If you do not set your standards, nobody will set them for you. And as far as Nigeria goes, a woman's standards should be zero. Anything goes.
When it comes to dating, any man in Nigeria feels entitled to the love and devotion of any woman in Nigeria. It doesn't matter whether he is poor, uneducated, unattractive, unintelligent and/or of dubious character. A woman should take whatever she gets.
A poor woman who turns down the advances of a poor man is arrogant. Likewise a rich woman who turns down the advances of a poor man. Accepting to be with a poor man is the ultimate proof of humility. And humility is the most sought out virtue in a woman. Please.
In my last post, I said that a woman should be the standard that she seeks, but a woman can also aspire to a standard that she knows she can be and will be, with the right push. Do not choose a partner based on your present state, if you have concrete and realistic plans to improve that state in the next future.
The importance of setting your standards cannot be undermined. It saves you time and it saves you stress that comes with disappointments and arguments.
Dele wants to come over to Chika's apartment, and he offers to bring a bottle of wine with him. Dele likez white wine. Chika likes red wine. Dele says "I'm coming with a bottle of white", and Chika does not mention that she doesn't like white, instead that she likes red. Dele arrives, opens the bottle of wine and serves Chika a glass. She's displeased, but still doesn't reveal that she doesn't like white wine. The conversation is stale, Chika is getting irritated and Dele starts getting a negative vibe. The visit ends and Dele never calls Chika again.
Imagine if Chika had just said "I don't like white wine. I like red wine."
In that moment she would have known if Dele is the kind of man who would:
- force her to drink white wine because that's what he likes;
- buy a bottle of red wine instead because that is what she likes; or
- buy an additional bottle of red wine so that they can each enjoy what they like.
In my introduction on Match Maker, I stated "men's opinions are irrelevant to me". And I said it because I mean it.
I was added to the group by a friend, but I wasn't sure that I wanted to join. Because, like I also mentioned in my introduction, I'm not looking forward to dating right now. But eventually I did. And I joined because, even though I could not comment, I could see all the posts inside the group. And the one that got me to join was one that read "men don't like women who wear too much make, so women need to reduce their make up".
I had to tell him "your opinion is irrelevant".
First of all, it's a lie that men do not like make up or too much make up on women, but I'll talk about that in another post. Secondly, he was setting a standard for himself and was trying to force every woman out there to comply. Thirdly he's entitled. He's the kind of man who believes that every woman out there need his approval to exist.
I don't need a man's approval, and certainly not his. I don't need people's approval. I have a group of selected friends whose approval matter to me. But before they came to occupy such an important position in my life, they proved to me that they possess values and ideals that align with mine and that are not detrimental to my person. They would never force me to do something that makes me miserable just because it makes them happy. And they would never try to stop me from doing something that would be extremely beneficial to me, just because it would make them sad.
I will dig in further into this sense of entitlement by Nigerian men in another post, but for now, let me just say this: "You don't get to set my standards for me just because you have a penis, or because you are rich".
Four years ago, I was seeing someone. He knew very well that I wasn't the kind of person who liked impromptu plans, especially the types that required me to make efforts in order to leave the house. Efforts like dressing up and making up. I need to plan my outfit days in advance. And doing my make up is a task. He knew this because I had told him. One evening, he showed up at my house tipsy and started demanding that I dressed up and went out with him. I said no. We had an argument and I asked him to leave. That's how we stopped seeing each other. He would later criticise my standards and principles and encourage me to bring them down a bit. Whatever. At least he never tried to force me to do anything that I didn't want to do again or show up tipsy in my house.
This is a simple example, just like the first example I made with the bottle of wine. But the point remains crucial.
If you state what you want, you are more likely to get it. If you do not state what you want, people will give you what they think you want, and it's going to be what they want.
If you are lucky, their desire will match your desire. But life is rarely about luck. So most of the time, you will get what you do not want, in the cheapest quality and in the harshest taste.
When it comes to dating, any man in Nigeria feels entitled to the love and devotion of any woman in Nigeria. It doesn't matter whether he is poor, uneducated, unattractive, unintelligent and/or of dubious character. A woman should take whatever she gets.
A poor woman who turns down the advances of a poor man is arrogant. Likewise a rich woman who turns down the advances of a poor man. Accepting to be with a poor man is the ultimate proof of humility. And humility is the most sought out virtue in a woman. Please.
In my last post, I said that a woman should be the standard that she seeks, but a woman can also aspire to a standard that she knows she can be and will be, with the right push. Do not choose a partner based on your present state, if you have concrete and realistic plans to improve that state in the next future.
The importance of setting your standards cannot be undermined. It saves you time and it saves you stress that comes with disappointments and arguments.
Dele wants to come over to Chika's apartment, and he offers to bring a bottle of wine with him. Dele likez white wine. Chika likes red wine. Dele says "I'm coming with a bottle of white", and Chika does not mention that she doesn't like white, instead that she likes red. Dele arrives, opens the bottle of wine and serves Chika a glass. She's displeased, but still doesn't reveal that she doesn't like white wine. The conversation is stale, Chika is getting irritated and Dele starts getting a negative vibe. The visit ends and Dele never calls Chika again.
Imagine if Chika had just said "I don't like white wine. I like red wine."
In that moment she would have known if Dele is the kind of man who would:
- force her to drink white wine because that's what he likes;
- buy a bottle of red wine instead because that is what she likes; or
- buy an additional bottle of red wine so that they can each enjoy what they like.
In my introduction on Match Maker, I stated "men's opinions are irrelevant to me". And I said it because I mean it.
I was added to the group by a friend, but I wasn't sure that I wanted to join. Because, like I also mentioned in my introduction, I'm not looking forward to dating right now. But eventually I did. And I joined because, even though I could not comment, I could see all the posts inside the group. And the one that got me to join was one that read "men don't like women who wear too much make, so women need to reduce their make up".
I had to tell him "your opinion is irrelevant".
First of all, it's a lie that men do not like make up or too much make up on women, but I'll talk about that in another post. Secondly, he was setting a standard for himself and was trying to force every woman out there to comply. Thirdly he's entitled. He's the kind of man who believes that every woman out there need his approval to exist.
I don't need a man's approval, and certainly not his. I don't need people's approval. I have a group of selected friends whose approval matter to me. But before they came to occupy such an important position in my life, they proved to me that they possess values and ideals that align with mine and that are not detrimental to my person. They would never force me to do something that makes me miserable just because it makes them happy. And they would never try to stop me from doing something that would be extremely beneficial to me, just because it would make them sad.
I will dig in further into this sense of entitlement by Nigerian men in another post, but for now, let me just say this: "You don't get to set my standards for me just because you have a penis, or because you are rich".
Four years ago, I was seeing someone. He knew very well that I wasn't the kind of person who liked impromptu plans, especially the types that required me to make efforts in order to leave the house. Efforts like dressing up and making up. I need to plan my outfit days in advance. And doing my make up is a task. He knew this because I had told him. One evening, he showed up at my house tipsy and started demanding that I dressed up and went out with him. I said no. We had an argument and I asked him to leave. That's how we stopped seeing each other. He would later criticise my standards and principles and encourage me to bring them down a bit. Whatever. At least he never tried to force me to do anything that I didn't want to do again or show up tipsy in my house.
This is a simple example, just like the first example I made with the bottle of wine. But the point remains crucial.
If you state what you want, you are more likely to get it. If you do not state what you want, people will give you what they think you want, and it's going to be what they want.
If you are lucky, their desire will match your desire. But life is rarely about luck. So most of the time, you will get what you do not want, in the cheapest quality and in the harshest taste.
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