FACEBOOK - YOUTUBE VIEWS EXPLAINED

For a view to count as a view, the viewer has to watch at least 3 seconds of a video. That number does not necessarily reflect the amount of people that have watched said video. People often watch one particular video more than once. So views is equal to the number of times a video has been played.

Views are also not a representation of the amount of watch time a video has accrued.

Let's use as examples two videos that last an equal amount of time. Let's say 5 minutes.

The first video has 10K views, while the second video has 5K views. This means that the video with 10K views has been watched for a higher number of times than the video with 5K views.

Supposedly the average viewer watched just 1 minute of the first video, and 3 minutes of the second video, you would have that:

- The first video, despite having 10K views has a total of 10,000 minute watch time;

- The second video with half the viewership of 5K has a total of 15,000 minute watch time.

Many creators generally post long videos to achieve this feature, but honestly, I prefer quality over length.

To explain this point, I will use three YouTubers as examples: Shallon Lester, Honest and J Aubrey. I am subscribed to all three of them.

Shallon's videos last an average of 25 minutes, but I feel like she could say what she wants to say in 10 minutes. Sometimes I get fed up and stop watching as she is just rambling on and has completely drifted from the topic and subject of the video.

Honest's videos can be as short as 5 minutes, but I always watch everything. He goes straight to the point, and packs a lot of information within that brief amount of time.

J Aubrey posts videos that are often over 1 hour long. His videos are like documentaries. Even though I do not know most of the people that he talks about (mainly influencers), I still watch just to know what he has to say about them.

J Aubrey has a total of 58,275,033 views, Shallon has 67,508,379 views, and Honest has 114,678,099 views.

Among the three, J Aubrey has the highest number of subscribers with over 600K subscribers. Honest has about 500K subscribers, while Shallon has 350K subscribers.

Shallon posts at least once a week. Sometimes she posts up to three times in a week. Honest posts frequently too but not as much as Shallon. J Aubrey might spend two months without posting a single video.

Given these stats, who do you think should have the most watch time? When you consider the amount of subscribers, length of videos and frequency with which the creator uploads, Shallon Lester should have the most watch time, but she doesn't.

I wouldn't be surprised if Honest with his 5 minute videos had the highest watch time.

Why am I writing this post?

When I found out in March that Facebook had completely changed their monetization policy and requirements for in stream ads, I was demoralized. It totally caught me off guard, ruined the plan that I had been working on for the last couple of months, and left me wondering how I was going to rack up 600K minute watch time in 60 days without the help of ads. But last night I became hopeful again.

Last night, after intentionally avoiding to check my insights for several months, I did, and I liked what I saw. Even though my views without ads have remained significantly low, I do have a good watch time. People generally watch my videos for more than 1 minute and that is good if you consider that my videos are on an average 5 minutes long.

I'm so optimistic that I have decided to carry on with my current and revised strategy to keep pushing for recognition, rather than viewership. I'm positive that, one day, I'll hit that ridiculous target. It might take me a year or two, but I will, eventually.

So, if you are thinking of going into blogging, don't be discouraged. There isn't really a formula that works for everybody. Just focus on delivering the best content you can afford.

As for me, you will keep seeing me on Osaremen's wall for as long as she is willing to share my videos.

Good day.

I SUPPORT TONTO

"I cannot inherit my friend's enemies."

The reason why many of you can open your mouth to say this nonsense is because you do not know what a friendship entails. You don't understand the importance of having friends, I mean FRIENDS. If you knew the value of your friendships, you'd understand that you have no business frequenting a person who has hurt someone you claim to love.

Your friend is your ally, your wing man/woman, your soul mate, your ride or die.

There is a reason why the saying goes "The blood of the brotherhood is thicker than the water of the womb."

That saying has never been about family. But about friendship.

Our friends do not owe us anything. They are not born into a friendship with us. They make the decision to stick with us, ride with us and stay by our side until the very end. And when you meet someone who is willing to do all of this for you, you don't play with it or fuck with them. You should fight for your friends with the same passion with which you'd fight for yourself.

If na for prick now, some of you would wear your boxing gloves without being asked. But when it comes down to your friends, you suddenly remember that "My friend's enemy is not my enemy".

There are enemies of your friends that are also your enemies. Yes. The evil these people perpetuated against your friend will eventually reach you and affect you. Or are you telling me that seeing your friend in a broken, traumatised, and destructive state would not do anything to you? Wouldn't it hurt your spirit? Wouldn't it affect your own ability to think and act right? If you have ever had any friend who went through an experience that almost killed them, and you felt absolutely nothing towards their condition, then you obviously do not consider that person to be your friend. And that is why you think it's OK to be loving and chummy with a person who caused such hurt to them.

In this Tonto vs Bob fight. I support Tonto. Lady Golfer was once Tonto's bestie. She was with Tonto when Tonto was facing abuse in her marriage. She witnessed everything first hand. Tonto ran to her to seek safety. She saw Tonto in one of her lowest moments in life. She knows about Tonto's marriage more than Bob. Yet, this woman came out to slander Tonto publicly, sided with her ex husband, hung out with him and Rosie, collected money from him and showered him with encomium. Bob came for this woman when she did all of this. Then all of a sudden, they are at a party dancing and laughing together? Sorry, but Bob is not well. He is an idgit and a very disrespectful person.

Perhaps there was a time that I would have tolerated friends who remained friends with someone or people who had proved with facts that they were a danger to me, but today, God forbid bad thing. You cannot be my friend and be mingling with my enemy. No friend of mine will allow themselves to be used as an access into my life by my enemy.

This is my stance.

Marry, Divorce, Re-marry ex spouse?

I have lost count of the number of times I have watched this movie. I just love the general atmosphere, and most especially I love the actors. I love Joselyn Dumas and OC Ukeje. I love seeing them on my screen. They are beautiful to look at and their acting skills are just superb.

Quick synopsis: The movie starts off with Lulu and Tony getting a divorce after two years of being married. But because they both contributed equally to the purchase of their matrimonial home, none is willing to sell it to the other party. And so, despite being divorced, they continue to live under the same roof, in addition to have to deal with seeing their ex spouse move on with his/her life.

Now the question is this. I know it is common for people to date, break up and get back together. But does it make sense for people to marry, divorce and re-marry that same person?

I think that before people decide to get a divorce, they spend a great deal of time thinking about it. Even spouses are allowed to take a break from one another, and so when a marriage breaks down, it means that the the two people must have tried it all and have been left with no choice but to accept the fact that it can't work between them. Marriage involves cohabitation, which means that the other person will get to see you at your rawest. There are aspects of us that even time and growth won't be able to change. But hey, I might be wrong. But my personal opinion is that an ex boyfriend and an ex girlfriend have a better chance at a successful reconciliation than an ex wife and an ex husband.

TAKE BACK THE POWER

I came across a petty blogger making fun of Laura Ikeji's new nose. She blocked him so he didn't see the video in which Laura herself revealed that she had had a rhinoplasty.

Now, what annoyed me the most in that video, is that he also posted pictures of Laura before surgery and went ahead to make fun of her old nose. He said and I quote "I can fit my entire head inside her nose".

So, let me get this right. He thought her old nose was ugly, but he is also making fun of her for undergoing surgery to improve it. Is that not witchcraft?

This guy is like many people I have come across. They mock you in your time of lack, and when you finally do something about your situation they still mock you for "trying too hard".

I think this blogger is mad that Laura has deprived him of the power to mock her with her old nose. With her new nose, her over all look has notably improved. Now he can no longer fit his big head inside of it, and it is paining him.

Please, if there is something in your body that you do not like and you want to change it, and you have the means to change it, do it.

Apply this to every aspect of your life. There is no such thing as trying too hard to be the best version of yourself.

Naysayers will laugh and laugh, but they won't be able to deny that in the end, you look great in your new form or state.

TRUE WEALTH SHOWS IN YOUR AURA

To many Nigerians, the proof that you have money is living lavishly and GIVING abundantly.

If you dress simple or ride public transport, then you are poor.

If a person asks you for money and you tell the person, "I do not have right now", they either label you as stingy or faking the life.

I know poor/perpetually broke people when I come across them, and it's hardly ever about the way they look or how little they give. Instead it is about their general perspective about issues.

Poor/perpetually broke men are the ones who read a post where a woman stated that she wants a man who is smart, good looking and rich, and start attacking her because of her third requirement, while completely ignoring the first two.

Likewise poor/perpetually broke women are the ones who read a post where a man stated that he cannot marry a woman who doesn't have a source of income, and start foaming in their mouths.

Poor/perpetually broke women also attack other women for saying that they cannot get married without having a source of income.

When it comes to me, I am very strategic with my money. I don't know if I learned this from my dad or I just developed it as a skill, but I manage money very well. I have taken loans from friends and called my dad for help even when I still had thousands of pounds sitting in my account.

As I mentioned in my previous post about my struggle with procrastination, I am an orderly person. The screenshot below is a picture of my memo. You see that number one? I don't play with it. I plan the shit out of my life. Nothing is left to chance.

However, the main reason why I can rack up plenty of funds within a short period of time is not my obsession with planning. It is my being moderately privileged. I'm not your average Nigerian living abroad.

I live in a first world country.

I'm a second generation. Adopted by a native.

Thanks to my Italian passport I can easily relocate from one European country to another.

I am skilled and educated.

My father is a landlord (x2) and receives a pension.

I am an only child.

I don't have a live in partner/husband or anybody under my care.

Extended family members don't bother me.

Every single penny I earn and own belongs to me. I am so privileged that I actually have to make a great deal of effort to become poor or even perpetually broke. Like, I seriously have to fuck shit up.

If you are waiting for me to prove myself to you, you will wait and tire. I will make more money than I can ever spend in my lifetime and only my close friends and business associates will know. I do not subscribe to flex culture. I'd rather spend my time recruiting other people into wealth than spend it rubbing my achievements on their faces. That's one of many reasons why I find Nigerian celebrities to be tacky, especially the ones that became popular and rich overnight. They lack prudence.

Now, if you are one of those people who believe that you must show off your money to prove that you are doing well, please stop it. You will attract the wrong attention, and the pressure to prove yourself will become heavier and heavier. And before you know it, you will run out of cash for real.

Don't worry about public opinions. Sensible people can tell whether you got it or not. Like I said, wealth is not in the way you dress or in the number of giveaways that you do. It's in the words that you pronounce, and the emotions that these words convey.

Off to have dinner.

OVERCOMING PROCRASTINATION

I’m an orderly person.

Orderliness is not the same as tidiness. Instead it’s about organisation and planning.

When I tell my friends about all the projects that I’m currently working on, they wonder how I manage to pull that many things off at the same time.

The truth is I had to learn to.

I’m both a serial procrastinator and a person with many interests, talents and skills. People like me either try to do many things at once, or they don’t bother with anything at all.

I was approaching my mid twenties and I didn’t have a degree or a skill, but I was constantly hearing from people that I was so good at many things. That’s when I knew that I had to do something about it.

I gave myself the push by initiating one project, and after I had developed it to a decent degree, I added another one. And I carried on like this, until I reached my present state: I am currently running more than five projects at the same time and planning to add more before the end of the year.

This method has been working marvellously for me. Even though I still procrastinate, it’s no longer like before when I had no project to return to or any projects to keep me going.

And thanks to my ability to learn fast, I save plenty of time that I can either use to cool my brain off or to brainstorm for new ideas.

I do ask myself, “If the world’s spotlights were to be pointed at me tomorrow, what would I be known for?”

And I think of all my ongoing projects and I answer, “For quite a lot”.

So if you are like me, talented, skilled, but lackadaisical, just pick one project, just one and start working on it. Defeat the urge to abandon it and grow it to a stage where you can move some of your attention to a new project, and your previous project will not suffer.

That’s the only way you can overcome the demon called procrastination.

-------------------------

This comment by Olumide Glowville is an interesting addition to the subject:

"This is a good idea.

I have applied different strategies for beating procrastination.

1. I make a list of what needs to be done and put specific times to them. The catch for me is that I also create time to indulge in between. That way, I get a fair share of what excites me in between. I did this because I realize I spend too much time doing one thing and by the time I am ready to move to the next, I feel like I have wasted all the time, so I postpone. With this strategy, I have started getting much more done. Case in point is how I use social media these days.

2. I use the Eisenhower Matrix to determine what's important and what's urgent. It helps me focus on the most important and urgent tasks, and to determine what I can delegate to others or just simply trash out.

3. I reward myself with a special gift for achieving tasks. Sometimes, it could be something as intangible as buying myself my favorite drink. Other times, it could be something as tangible as getting myself something really exciting. On some occasions, I have even used sex as a reward. The point is to put something exciting at the end of the line, so I can be pushed to achieve within the set time frame.

These three things have helped me."

Link to his Facebook account: https://www.facebook.com/olumideglowville

OWN YOUR SHAME BEFORE THEY SHAME YOU

After reading Mabel's post, Controlling The Narrative, I couldn't help but think about how much we have been conditioned to feel ashamed of things of which that we shouldn't feel ashamed.

Unless you have actually done something which resulted in serious consequences for another person, I do not understand why we should allow our actions to become object of blackmail and ridicule by other people.

These days, men seem to be into revenge porn. They know how much the society hates women who dare to express their sexuality, so they are using this as their new bargaining chip to wield the sword and make women bow before them. You never know if those pictures you sent to you ex boyfriend will surface on the internet after you have broken up. And who says that you are not being recorded while having sex? Do you know if he snapped you while you were sleeping?

Unfortunately there is little we can do to control what others do to us in our moments of vulnerability. Should we stop having sex? Should we stop doing sleep overs? Should we stop engaging in phone sex? Should we stop sending sexy pictures?

Do we now have to give up the fun of being adults who are charge in of their bodies because another adult is thinking of how they can gain control over us and ruin our lives?

You can date a man for months, and the moment you break up, he can outright deny you and claim that he only used you for sex. And people will believe him.

After having sex with a particular girl, a group of boys will gather together and start discussing the shape, depth and smell of her private parts, and nobody will ask them to shut up. Even other girls will join the shaming because they need to prove to those scum that they are not like the slut.

Sex is a woman's loss. Men are feeding on it. Pick-me-women are getting rid of their more attractive opponents by engaging in slut shaming.

I remember when an idiot tried to slut shame me for having sex through other orifices besides my vagina. Me? Mavis? Bitch, try harder. And the irony? She was doing that and more. 

People who shame you just really want to remove attention from themselves and focus it on you.

The 21st century woman has a lot of work to do. She needs to start owning her shame. We allow people to have too much power over us. We allow people to decide our worth way too much.

Listen. everybody has an opinion about you, and sometimes, they will want everybody else around you to have that same opinion, including your family. But the question is, will you let them?

Control the narrative today. Take charge. Own your shame before someone else owns it for you.

Give it back to them. Be petty. Be vengeful if you have to. But never, and I say never, allow someone to control you to the point where they decide whether or not you can step out of the house.

The only person who can have that power over yourself is YOU.

You can find the post by Mabel here: https://www.facebook.com/mabel.agbenyo/posts/10215811590716107

PUBLIC EXPOSURE

While I am still on the topic of privilege, there is one thing I'd like to say, rather it is an advice I wish to give.

I already gave a similar advice when I wrote about toxicity and how to deal with toxic people. You can find the posts by doing a quick search on my wall.

On that subject about toxicity, I wrote that you should never confront a toxic person while you are still in his or her comfort zone. Instead you should try and force them to come into yours - something they will rarely do because toxic people rely on the negative energy in their comfort zone to thrive and overpower you.

Similarly, you should never try to confront a person who has offended you and who has also refused to accept that they have, one on one. Chances are they will believe that your retorts are nothing but the result of your being unable to deal with the "truth". You know how people will say something stupid and nasty and then conclude it with "the truth is bitter".

Desist from arguing with them privately. It is a waste of time and energy. Instead allow other people to tell them what you wish they'd understand.

Take the matter to a neutral zone.

Back in the day my mother would always say horrible things about this friend of mine. I won't repeat any of the things she said because they were simply terrible. This was a girl that was even younger than me. How an adult of my mother's age could sit down and spew that much bile about another person's child was beyond me.

Anytime she started her negative rants about my friend, we would end up having a serious argument and even quarrel. My fierce defence towards my friend proved pointless though. Once my mother was convinced of something, there was nothing anybody could say to convince her of the contrary. She was allergic to reason and logic. All traits that matched with her narcissistic personality.

So I did what I thought back then was the only thing to do.

I went to my friend and informed her of the situation. My hope was that she would confront my mother and tell her the same things that I had been trying to tell her for months.

I know for a fact that if my friend had confronted my mother, my mother would never have opened her mouth to slander her or any other person again in her life. The embarrassment from having a girl that young tell her off would have served as a life time reminder of her vileness.

I spent fifteen years having heated arguments with my mother. Arguments that would have ended a long time before that if somebody, just anybody had had the courage to tell her that she was quite a detestable person. But nobody did.

I have been accused of always making matters public.

"Mavis, you are dramatic and you love attention."

Perhaps, I do, but I have also seen the good in exposing people to public judgment.

These days I don't even bother replying people who offend me like I would have in the past. I can't waste my energy confronting anybody. Besides, whatever I say will be brushed off as the rants of an angry and bitter woman. So, I simply opt for the easiest and most effective way to resolve: let other people judge.

I have a sensible audience on my social media platform. If I'm wrong, they will tell me that I'm wrong - this has happened a few times - and if I'm right, they will also tell me that I'm right.

Yes, this is a form of privilege. I won't deny it. But there are ways and ways to make use of your privilege.

Don't use it to oppress others and don't ignore it by remaining passive in the face of injustice.

Learning how to live a stress free life is paramount to your happiness. You have a huge platform, use it.

If you don't have a sensible audience or you are worried about your privacy, use the many inboxes available to you. There are also groups you can join. Just stop forcing a blind person to see.

If person carry your matter go meet their village people, you sef carry their matter come meet your own village people.

PS: Public exposure is a drastic and extreme move that can permanently jeopardise your existing relationship with that person or people, even if you choose to post your issue personally or through the help of another person. So always think it through before implementing it. Because there is no going back.

ABOUT RESPECT...

My idea of respect is very different from that of the average Nigerian. Based on Nigerian standards, I am in absolute one of the most disrespectful people you will ever meet.

And guess what? I do not care.

Like everything else in Nigeria, respect has been bastardised to mean docility, servitude and conformity.

If you do a quick search on my profile, you will find past posts I made about social contracts, social hierarchy and a recent one I wrote on privileges.

In Nigeria, we thrive on privileges. Starting from the moment we are born, we can tell the quality of life we are going to have based on certain elements.

1. Are you male against being female?
2. Are you rich against being poor?
3. Are you from a particular ethnic group against being from another one?
4. Are your parents spiritual leaders of any sort?
5. Were you born within the legitimacy of marriage as opposed to being born outside wedlock?
etc.

If you were born with either one of these privileges or with multiple of these privileges, you are automatically entitled to being respected by those who do not have those same privileges.

That respect is absolute and uncontested. And yes, you are not under any obligation to respect the less privileged people. You only respect those people who are more privileged than you.

That up there is what respect is all about in Nigeria and among Nigerians.

----------------

There are groups of people I automatically discard from my list of people to respect.

1. Misogynists and supporters of patriarchy;
2. Homophobic folks;
3. Entitled people;
4. Religious bigots.

If you belong in any of these categories, forget that I will ever respect you.Your ideas alone violate the fundamental rights of an individual. You do not deserve any respect and I will not be civil with you.

Now, to those Nigerians who believe that they deserve my unquestionable respect based on a privilege, I have this to say: I will respect you as long as you respect yourself and respect me.

Do not be a fool and disrespect me because I will come at you like a bull.

Do not play the parent, elder, pastor, man or rich cards with me. They won't work. Once I have stripped you of that respect,  you will have to work to earn it back.

-------------

People do not respect themselves. Perhaps they are oblivious of the change that is going on or perhaps they are just delusional to think that certain things will never change.

Nobody has time to give unmerited respect to anybody anymore. Our irrational fear of questioning these imaginary authorities is what has reduced Nigeria to being a beggar.

"Respect his old age".
"Touch not my anointed."
"Don't you know I am a man?"
"Do you know who I am?"

Is this not madness?

Forget that rubbish you see on Twitter. Most of the people insulting celebrities would not even dare to speak in their presence. These people appear rich.

Nigerians do not walk the talk.

---------------

There are many things I consider disrespectful to my person and regardless of who you are, if you attempt any of them, you would have earned yourself my disrespect.

I am not here to observe anybody's privilege. I myself I am privileged. Privileges are things of the world. But privileges also foster inequality and inequity.

You have the privilege of being born healthy with all your limbs intact. Does that mean you have the right to treat people suffering from one form of disability or another with disrespect?

Let me not forget to mention those women who think that a marriage certificate makes them better, smarter and more morally upstanding than women who haven't got one.

----------------

The point of the matter is respect yourself. Never take it for granted that everybody will recognise your privilege. There are people out there who do not give an absolute damn.

I know the kind of behaviours that will make me disrespect someone and I try my best to not indulge in them, so I won't be at the receiving end of disrespect myself.

In conclusion, whoever is out there crying foul that Mavis has disrespected him or her, guess what? You had it coming.

Next time, FUCKING RESPECT YOURSELF.

ABOUT COMMITMENT

Written 28/01/2019

When I took the character test, I flunked all the traits that have anything to do with tolerance: patience, adaptability, commitment, etc.

The only trait that bothered me though was (my lack of) commitment. I know. Character is what it is and it's hard to change. But it is not impossible. It just requires a lot of work, or if I may say, commitment.

I lack commitment. I noticed it during those days at school when I would get really excited at the beginning of the school year. I would scroll through my new text books and even read a few pages in advance, only for this enthusiasm to drop to almost zero after just a couple of months. Then I would fall into a state of apathy towards that activity and start looking for something else to revive my passion.

As a kid I tried to do a lot of things, but I never did any of them on a long term. My longest journey so far has been my academic career which has met several stops and even suffered abandonment.

This lack of commitment does not only affect my hobbies, schooling or even my jobs. it also affects my relationships with people. I tend to give up easily on people. It's not that I stop caring about them. I simply stop wanting them around me.

Thankfully people are not things or situations. People come looking for you after a while that they haven't heard from you, so somehow I have managed to maintain friendships that have spanned over a decade with some of my classmates.

However my volatility still bothers me. I am not a superficial person. I am passionate. But I have difficulties maintaining this passion for a long time.

My relationships with men were always characterised by these ups and downs of emotions. I was invested, then I wasn't. Until last year I blamed it on the men.

"They piss me off."

The truth is that I used to find reasons to be pissed off and just distance myself.

After my relationship with an ex ended, I was very angry. "How could he have moved on so quickly? Did he ever even love me? Fuck him. He is an asshole."

Then one day, I sat down and did a self assessment. That's when I had my epiphany: I was not committed. I was convinced that he was the one who wasn't committed all along because he never bothered to reassure me of my doubts, and instead he just magnified them. Then I realised that those doubts were a result of my lack of commitment.

The man wanted to settle down. He wanted a wife. He wanted to have kids. He wanted to open a new chapter in his life. And I was there, trying to fit into his plans. I had told him I didn't want to have kids, then I thought that I could do it for the one I loved. But it never felt quite right with me. And my attitude transpired in my behaviours.

I wouldn't describe myself as a person with gamophobia, but I do have serious issues committing myself to people and long term projects. 

When I first read that the United Kingdom was planning to make civil partnership open to heterosexual couples, I was elated. Now I am no longer elated. And that's because I read that the dissolution of a civil partnership is just as long and stressful as that of a marriage.

I have not even gotten in and I am already looking at how to get out.

Right now, if I were given the option to go back in time and do things differently with that ex, I wouldn't. In as much as I wanted to be with him, I didn't want it as much as I love being commitment free.

My refusal to commit fully has caused me and the people around me a lot of hurt and loss. My mother spent thousands of pounds trying to get me to finish university. I ended friendships with people over flimsy excuses. I did the same with my relationships.

I could have scored better grades at school. I could have written more pages of my fictions. I could have become a skilled pianist and song writer. I could have become a better singer. I could have forgiven that friend or asked for that friend for forgiveness. I could have tried harder to make that relationship work. I could have been more and better than I am right now.

I couldn't because I can't commit.

I want to do better, and I promise to do better.

It won't be easy but I will try my best.

Take the character test here: https://theishanqueen.blogspot.com/2019/11/character-test.html

COMMON EXPERIENCES DO NOT IMPLY SAMENESS IN IDENTITIES

I think people often search for common experiences to have a mutual connection and, perhaps, understanding with someone. I also think that people like to group other people together based on the latter's common experiences.

This results in people often making blanket statements such as:

1. If he or she is from a broken home, he or she won't make a good spouse.
2. If he or she was from an abusive home, he or she will either become a perpetrator or a victim of abuse.

I heard this one in church from a pastor: "If your mother sleeps around, you too will sleep around."

Why do we do that?

We learn that two people came from broken homes, suffered abuse or have sexually promiscuous parents, so we just lump together and never learn to separate them from their experiences.

Is it fair to say that everybody who went to a particular school is the same or similar?

Can you tell what a person's character is like because you know someone who has had a common experience with that person up close?

I date a guy, we break up, then he goes on to date another guy, while I too am dating another guy.

Would you now say that I and that girl have similar characters, intelligence, personalities or even preferences based on the fact that we dated the same guy?

Would you say that my ex and my current boyfriend have similar characters, intelligence, personalities or even preferences because they both dated me?

Life is like a book of of cliches. You will find millions of people who have had similar experience as you, some even identical, except for a few minutiae. 

Using a similar experience as the foundation of your relationship with someone hardly ever works, especially in those situations where you both feed on each other's pain to feel good about yourselves.

True, nobody can understand you more than someone who has been through a similar pain to yours, but that alone is not sufficient for your friendship or love to thrive.

You can't tell a person's personality, character, attitude, ideas and over all persona from an event that occurred in their lives. You can't even predict the kind of person they'll become.

For a long time, many people ignored the abusive nature of my mother because I didn't fall into their idea of how a girl whose mother is violent behaves. The lies that my mother told aside, I wasn't docile or timid. I was fierce as fierce can be.

I was vocal, I was expressive, I was also confrontational and I was a fighter. When I say fighter I don't mean physical fighter, though I did experience a few fights. I mean fighter because I would never allow myself to be at the receiving end of nonsense and injustice. I was everything a good Nigerian girl shouldn't be, and I never pretended in order to change their opinion about me.

There were other girls like me who had a similar family situation and they were, you know, quiet, meek, docile, etc. Some even faked unity and solidarity with their abusive parent because "we must not allow our enemies to win". Faking love with my mother is something I never did. If we were good, we were good. If we weren't good, we stayed off each other. I never begged her. I never apologised to her.

I could have become a timid girl who sought desperately for love. I could have become another statistics of "my mother didn't show me love so now I am dating this asshole."

I could have become a narcissist myself: "My mother never thought good of me, but I know that I am beyond perfect. And I'll prove it to her."

I could have become abusive myself: "My mother put me through so much pain, now I want to release that pain on somebody else."

I could have become any of those cliches or worse. Instead I grew up to become me: nonchalant, with strong principles, moral values and a hunger for change.

I have my flaws. I can be a total douche. I have been a total douche. I regret some of my douchery, while I do not regret others. But one thing is for sure: I intend to put my douchery to good use.

You think you know me based on the experiences I have written about on this space? 🤣🤣🤣🤣You are on a long thing bro and sis.

Some douches are made, other douches are born.

I, Mavis Ishanqueen, am a douche who was born.

INTELLECTUAL LAZINESS LEADS TO INEXCUSABLE GULLIBILITY

1. Say it with confidence.
2. Repeat it over and over again.
3. Get an important person to support you.

Nigerians are intellectually lazy. They do not like learning. They hate to research for themselves. They would rather you told them than attempt to study any topic by themselves.

"Tell me what to look at. I can't be bothered searching and discerning."

And if we hear something from multiple sources, it is finished. We won't bother anymore. Let not one of these sources be a figure of authority, then it becomes law.

"Even our pastor talk am o."

Over the years I have heard a crowd chant rubbish. And some of the most fucked up things I have ever heard were said by the so called pastors.

Even the friend who claimed to know what good character is did not know the definition of character. She meant behaviour, instead she said character because that's what she had been hearing.

Intellectual mediocrity is a disease. I could never understand why people would buy into an idea of which they do not have an understanding.

How many of the people who criticize feminism, know what feminism is?

How many Christians or Muslims have read their holy scriptures from the beginning to the end?

How many people know the etymology of the words they use in the name of writing/speaking big big grammar?

How does it make sense to say that Atheism is a belief?

When did all Atheists become science inclined?

I have been active on the internet for almost two decades and this mental stagnation still bothers me.

The reason why you think that Nigerians get dumber and dumber with age, has nothing to do with mental regression. Their intelligence simply stopped growing as they grew older. Their brain does not reflect their age. Which means that you will often come across men and women in their 40s who reason like teens.

On an average, I make no less than ten trips to Google every day. I often research stuff I already know just to make sure that I still have the correct information.

You have a smartphone. You have data. You know how to browse. What's you excuse? Why are you still spewing crap? Why are you still buying into notions and ideas you don't know shit about?

Those who know have the responsibility of educating the ones that do not know. Even if you are only knowledgeable in one subject, please, still manage to divulge it.

It is immoral to keep your knowledge to yourself. I know that you cannot force people to learn, but your effort alone to put it out there will be a huge step.

I admire people who care about educating other people. They are the true heroes in our society.

In a society where stupid people control information, there can never be progress.

May the universe continue to be kind to the anti-conformists, the free and critical thinkers, and to those who push for a world where equality and justice are the norm.

As for my own personal mission, I will continue to educate on the subject of psychological composition of a person.

It's not under my nose that any of my friends will be ignorant.

And may I never have any friends who will contribute to my intellectual stagnation.

BEWARE OF BAD ADVISERS AND THEIR TERRIBLE ADVICE

Whenever a Nigerian opens his or her mouth to vomit some questionable advice, I always ask myself: would this Nigerian like to be at the receiving end of this rubbish? Would they allow their daughter, sister or anybody they care about to be at the receiving end of this rubbish?

The truth? No.

Because it is no.

Nigerians rarely give advice out of true concern. It is either they have something to gain from your life being totally ruined or they have never thought that you deserve a life to begin with.

I have seen this happen several times. I myself have been at the receiving end of useless advice.

Those who don't know will be feeling special. Because Nigerians have a way of making you feel special while giving you useless advice.

"Madam, you are the pillar of your home and no woman can come in unless you say so."

Madam's head will start swelling. So she has the power to decide who and who can't come into her home? All she has to do is fast, pray, fast and pray even more. Nor be small thing.

"My dear, you have the power to change this man and make him the type of man you want him to be."

The lady's head will start swelling. She has the power to change a whole human being. Something no other woman can do, she can do it. Chai. Odikwa powerful.

"My dear, if you marry this man, your life will be set forever. His family is rich and they will spoil you silly. Not to mention that this man cannot do anything. In a few years, you will be the one controlling him."

The little girl's head will start swelling. As small as she is, she will start controlling a full grown man in maybe five or six years. Uhm. Na wa o.

That's how madam, lady and little girl will enter gobe with their eyes wide open. Grinning from cheek to cheek. Wearing the badge of victory when in reality they are in line to compete for the biggest losers ever.

Take advice from an average Nigerian at your own risk and watch your life end in peril. You will lose and you will lose big time.

You think I am being too harsh?

Show me one human being who heeded the advice of an average Nigerian person and ended up living a good life.

I am waiting.

REGRET IS A USELESS SENTIMENT

Honour, integrity and empathy are three fundamental character traits that whoever wants to be part of a change needs to possess.

If there is one thing that always pisses me off in people, including some of my friends, it's how they could sit and watch all manner of rubbish happen around them and refuse to do something about it.

How can you be so passive in the face of injustice? You could watch another human being being lynched and you would fold your arms and say, "It does not concern me".

And tomorrow you will have the guts to come out and say that you are a good person. You will walk around with a chip on your shoulder, passing judgment on those who dared to do something.

The people who witnessed the injustice that was being committed against Chinwe, the fifteen year old girl that was given out in marriage to a mentally impaired man in his fifties, and did not make any move to stop it are just as guilty as the people who planned the whole marriage.

They belong to the same class of evil as the perpetrators.

These passive watchers might never come to terms with the horror they partook in. Yes, they might live the rest of their lives believing that they didn't do anything, that they are not culpable of any offence.

But they are. They are guilty as charged. Their conscience is dirty and their mind is rotten.

I hope that, one day, they will wake up to see what they almost caused by not wanting any problems.

"I don't want any problems", the mantra of every person who came to this world just to exist and die.

If instead, they come to realise their mistakes, they should know that their future regret won't mean shit to Chinwe. She will have grown bigger and gone too far for their pleas to reach her.

And if they eventually realized their how terrible their indifference was, but Chinwe had already ended up with that man, what would their regret have done to change her circumstances? How would it have restored a stolen childhood and life?

Regret is cheap. It is absolutely useless.

Do you know what you have to do to avoid any form of regret?

SOMETHING. All you have to do is something. No matter how little. Even if it's just "I disagree", say it.

I do not believe in regret. You do not abandon a person in his or her time of need and claim you regret it years later. It's too easy. It's too cheap. It's too cowardly.

If you have to feel any kind of guilt towards anybody, let it be remorse.

It's better to cry over something you were brave enough to do, than to cry over something you were too much of a coward to do.

Who wan know, go know.

SOCIAL HEIRARCHY DETERMINES WHO CAN OFFEND AND WHO MUST FORGIVE

Why is easy forgiveness expected from the most vulnerable and dependent members of the society?

Have you ever asked yourself why the ability to forgive is such a big deal when it comes to women, children and youths?

Do you think that it's a coincidence that these people are expected to forgive even in the absence of accountability and apologies?

Why are people quick to call women, children and youths who do not forgive wicked, but act more lenient towards men, parents and elders?

Why do men/boyfriends/husbands, parents and elders see the refusal to forgive by these people as an act of defiance and disrespect?

Why do they hate it when their actions, authority and assumption of infallibility are questioned?

Why do the people who rank higher in social hierarchy feel entitled to forgiveness, but demand accountability and apologies when they are at the receiving end of the offence, especially by someone who ranks lower?

--------------

The people who made the rules were not stupid. They knew exactly what they were doing.

I do not demand to be forgiven easily. On the contrary, I'll pick offence if I offend you and you never bother to inform me or communicate your hurt to me.

I demand accountability and I expect to be held accountable for my actions.

I do not see forgiveness as my right.

I'd rather you told me to my face that you hate me, than feign likeness. If you say you have forgiven me and you carry on to say shit behind my back, you and I will have serious problems.

But this is me.

Everybody is different.

ABOUT LOYALTY...

People around you will sometimes have an opinion about situations, people and life in general that completely differs from yours.

Your loyalty starts being questioned when you do not act based on your own opinion, but rather on the opinions of these people.

You claim that you are friends with a person. Your family clearly does not like that person. So you choose to neglect the person's needs and refuse to offer them support in their time of need.

You claim to love a person, of whom your family does not approve. You are always reassuring him or her that you love them and care about them. And yet, many times you have refused to do right by them because you don't want to displease your family.

When I arrived in the UK in 2013, my mother instructed me to not announce my arrival to some family friends who had relocated months before me. I did otherwise, and I did so because her reasons were neither sensible nor satisfactory.

When I was in financial difficulty, again my mother instructed me to not seek help towards that same friend and her family. Again I did otherwise because her reasons were not satisfactory.

My mother had her opinions about people. I had mine. I never chose my friends based on her own criteria or judgment. When it came to picking the people I wanted to share important moments with, I relied on myself to make that decision.

She and I had very different opinions about the sense of good and bad. I felt that she had normalized a lot of bad behaviours and that she herself had become guilty of such bad behaviours.

She on the other hand thought that I didn't have sense as her own idea of sense implied doing what had to be done to get what you want, even when it involved acting immorally.

The irony of it was that my mother couldn't stand being at the receiving end of any immorality.

There was no way I could possibly take her opinions seriously. But that was me. I had friends who thought differently. However, I reserved the right to decide whether or not I want to put up with that kind of hypocrisy.

You can't call yourself a friend, affirm that you trust that person, tell them that you believe and will always support them, but when they need you, you aren't there. And this is because your family who doesn't know them or their story as much as you do, says otherwise.

You can't tell someone that you like them, share intimate moments with them, then turn around to tell them that you can't be with them because your family is against it.

Your family is never the problem. You are the problem.

Loyalty is a very rare quality but people often ignore the hefty responsibility it carries.

A lot of people erroneously believe that loyalty is all about sticking with the person who matters the most to you generally, whereas loyalty dictates that you stick with the person who matters the most in that particular situation.

You see, loyalty does and cannot work alone. It's not an isolated quality. Loyalty needs honour and integrity to properly function.

When loyalty is acted upon on its own, people often end up covering up for horrendous crimes and abuse perpetrated by a loved one.

Honour matters because a person of honour is a person who has a penchant for justice. They do what is right even when it goes against popular opinion.

I have supported my friends against the opinions of family because that was the right thing to do.

I have supported a stranger against the opinions of friends because that was the right thing to do.

If you think that someone is a good person, a good friend or the one who has been wronged, why should a contrary opinion make you act otherwise?

Loyalty is expensive, friends. Those who can't afford it should never been given access into your life.

If you do, you will count plenty of losses.

THIS IS HOW PRIVILEGE WORKS

A friend once said that he'd rather be ugly than have a bad character.

So I told him: "You say so because you are not ugly".

He tried to argue it, but he had to concede that in fact he doesn't know what it feels like to be ugly.

There are many ugly people who have a bad character but they do not allow it to transpire in public because they do not have the privilege of being good looking.

The society is generally not nice to people who are not attractive, so this group of people have no other choice but to feign "niceness" and good morals if they want other people to dignify them with a bit of attention.

My friend ignored this struggle because he is attractive. He has never had to act nice to be liked. People liked him because he is cute and they liked him even more because he was genuinely nice.

Last week, I was telling my friend that I wouldn't have faced most of the shit that I had to deal with if I were Yoruba like her and the majority of Nigerians in that community back in Italy. And she told me that it's not true. She then added that my bad character coupled with my tendency to cause trouble caused them to dislike me.

It was in that moment that I realised that our friendship had reached an impasse. I was stunned that in all those years she has never noticed how my non Yoruba background played against me.

My friend has never been in a situation where she'd be in the midst of people and she'd be the object of their conversation without even knowing.

My friend has never had to physically isolate herself because a group of people made it impossible for her to contribute to the conversation by speaking in a language that she couldn't understand.

My friend has never felt irritated during a Sunday mass because the pastor decided to preach part of his or her sermon in a language foreign to her.

My friend has never had to reaffirm that she has her own language and she needn't learn a new one to be able to communicate with people who could comfortably communicate with her in two different languages.

My friend has never been in a situation where she reacted to an attack and the onlookers chose to focus on her reaction rather than the action that caused because the the attacker was Yoruba while she wasn't.

The members of this Yoruba community were not friends. They didn't even liked one another, but that ethnic background they had in common gave them a sense of unity and confidence.

Even people who weren't Yoruba felt lucky that they could speak the language. At least nobody could cheat them in their presence and they could still manage to disguise themselves.

When two Yoruba people had a fight, the community split into two and each party would have some form of support.

But when a Yoruba person had a fight with a non Yoruba person, the clique automatically sided with the Yoruba person irrespective of who was actually wrong.

For my friend to have called me a trouble maker signified that she too was biased towards me. That is how their privilege clouds their judgement.

One day, a non Yoruba friend of mine sent me a text message after church service. In the text she complained of how she had been shunned out of the group because everybody was speaking Yoruba.

At that point I texted this friend of mine who had called me a trouble maker and was present at the gathering, to correct her over such behaviour.

The result was that all of them turned against my non Yoruba speaking friend and accused her of stirring up drama. My non Yoruba friend was mortified and told me that I shouldn't have said anything.

Sometimes I read posts by some feminists and immediately I notice that they are speaking from a position of privilege. There are many feminists who cannot identify with the struggle of the average Nigerian woman because they have never had to deal with that particular struggle.

Their posts reek of condescension and deliberate misinterpretation.

This was particularly obvious during the #wifenotcook saga. A lot of feminists called the discussion stupid and unimportant.

"There are more important issues to discuss."

Well, congratulations to have been among the few lucky women who were not told that they belonged in their husband's kitchen. Even our first Lady was not that lucky.

Privilege is the equivalent of wearing a blindfold. Yes, some people choose to be deliberate about their blindness, and I think that this set of people are the worst.

However those ones who do not recognise their privilege because they are used to it as a comfortable normalcy need to shaken and awaken.

The same way my friendship with that friend will never work until she recognises her own privilege.

EVEN THE BEST FAIL TOO

I wasn't a brilliant student. I was mediocre at best.

I remember my school days with a mix of bitter, surprised and frantic feelings. Just to put things into perspective, I didn't go and collect my high school diploma until four years after my graduation.

I started high school at the age of fourteen and finished at the age of twenty. High school in Italy lasts five years, but it took me six years to complete it.

I started out well, then in my second year I started spiralling. Italy is not a country where teachers see a scar on your face and come to ask you what had happened. Our school was all about science and grades. How much you were worth was determined by how well you did at school. And being the only black student, the different one, in the entire building didn't help matters. There was a subtle racism. I believe that many of them did not expect me to make it, and I wouldn't be surprised if many of them also thought I didn't belong there either. After all, one of my ex classmates would call me a "dirty nigger" during an argument on Facebook.

I remember my Art teacher. I panicked and flunked my first test with her and I never made it pass a C grade, no matter how good my paper was.

However, the worst memory has to be my Physics teacher: an exceptional teacher, on whose humanity I won't spare a thought.

During my first two years, I was among those students that lingered in the middle. From time to time, I would even make it to the top. Then I started sliding, and in my fourth year, I hit rock bottom. I had to repeat class.

Even though I cried when the letter arrived home and my father was utterly disappointed, I saw it as an opportunity to start all over again. I was more than happy to run away from those teachers who had stopped believing in me.

I didn't miss my old classmates either. As a matter of fact, none of them is my friend on social media. I resented them for not seeing through my pain and reaching out to me. I only speak to one as of today: the boy I found myself crushing on for two years in high school.

I began my first four years in section A and ended my last two years in section C: same course, but different teachers, at least in the majority of the subjects. A great relief that those Art and Physics teachers were gone for good.

I still didn't rise up to be among the top students in my class, but I was back to lingering in the middle, while occasionally reaching for the top.

My final grades were poor. I was more eager to leave that school, than to come out with flying colours.

When I applied to study Psychology at the university of Parma, I had to sit for an entrance exam. Our grades were to be calculated based on our score at the exam and on our pass mark from high school. I sat for the exam with light-heartedness.

We were over seven hundred students competing for three hundred seats. I made position two hundred and something-something.

That's when I realised that, even though I was just a 66/100 high school graduate, I knew all I needed to get through life.

All I had to do was commit.

ABOUT KINDNESS...

I have a friend that whenever he calls me to ask me for a (monetary) favour, I do not hesitate to help him out, and that's because a few years ago, he did something that really impressed me.

Back in 2015, I had asked for a paid leave, but, due to a bureaucratic error, I ended up not being paid on the supposed week and had to resubmit the form.

I lamented with this friend. I was on a strict budget and was almost obsessed with making sure that I met up with my plan every week. So this incident completely threw me off.

I didn't ask him for anything. I was just on the phone complaining, when he said, "Send me your account".

Wow, this guy paid the missing money into my account, just like that. I was thoroughly impressed. Ever since, if he calls me to tell me that he needs something, sharp sharp, I help him out. He always pays back his loans, so his gesture was not a one time act of kindness.

He is truly a kindhearted person.

----------------------------

I had this other friend whom once in a while I'd ask for help. Not an immediate help, but something in the line of, "By the end of the month, I might need to ask for you for a loan. The sum is £££. I'm telling you now, so I do not catch you off guard."

This was me making a request, but with no certainty that I would eventually make the request for real. I did it twice, but both times I was able to sort myself out before the end of the month.

What I noticed is that my friend never asked me if I was able to resolve my financial issues. He showed no concerns at all.

Once in a while I'd jokingly ask him for a small amount of money. I didn't need it. I just wanted to see if he'd give me or even remember the times I sought his help and ask me how I pulled through. But nothing came out.

He's not kind.

------------------------------

I am kind-hearted. It's my weakness. Before 2017, I gave without reservations. If I had I would give you. But in 2017, I witnessed something that made me open my eyes. Human beings can be wicked and heartless.

I'm still eager to help people and I'm still eager to spoil my friends with treats, but I do not do it as often as I used to. Right now, it feels like I'm battling against my own instinct and it's something that deeply disturbs me.

That's why having a friend like the one in the first example is a source of joy to me. I can be me without the fear that someone will take advantage of me or abandon me in my times of need.

I cherish kindness. Kindness comes with many other qualities. If you meet someone who is not kind, or someone who is not spontaneous with their help, pause and ask yourself questions.

I'm not saying that kind people are also good or perfect people. I am just saying that kindness carries a huge chunk of weight in a person's character.

Never overlook it.