When I took the character test, I flunked all the traits that have anything to do with tolerance: patience, adaptability, commitment, etc.
The only trait that bothered me though was (my lack of) commitment. I know. Character is what it is and it's hard to change. But it is not impossible. It just requires a lot of work, or if I may say, commitment.
I lack commitment. I noticed it during those days at school when I would get really excited at the beginning of the school year. I would scroll through my new text books and even read a few pages in advance, only for this enthusiasm to drop to almost zero after just a couple of months. Then I would fall into a state of apathy towards that activity and start looking for something else to revive my passion.
As a kid I tried to do a lot of things, but I never did any of them on a long term. My longest journey so far has been my academic career which has met several stops and even suffered abandonment.
This lack of commitment does not only affect my hobbies, schooling or even my jobs. it also affects my relationships with people. I tend to give up easily on people. It's not that I stop caring about them. I simply stop wanting them around me.
Thankfully people are not things or situations. People come looking for you after a while that they haven't heard from you, so somehow I have managed to maintain friendships that have spanned over a decade with some of my classmates.
However my volatility still bothers me. I am not a superficial person. I am passionate. But I have difficulties maintaining this passion for a long time.
My relationships with men were always characterised by these ups and downs of emotions. I was invested, then I wasn't. Until last year I blamed it on the men.
"They piss me off."
The truth is that I used to find reasons to be pissed off and just distance myself.
After my relationship with an ex ended, I was very angry. "How could he have moved on so quickly? Did he ever even love me? Fuck him. He is an asshole."
Then one day, I sat down and did a self assessment. That's when I had my epiphany: I was not committed. I was convinced that he was the one who wasn't committed all along because he never bothered to reassure me of my doubts, and instead he just magnified them. Then I realised that those doubts were a result of my lack of commitment.
The man wanted to settle down. He wanted a wife. He wanted to have kids. He wanted to open a new chapter in his life. And I was there, trying to fit into his plans. I had told him I didn't want to have kids, then I thought that I could do it for the one I loved. But it never felt quite right with me. And my attitude transpired in my behaviours.
I wouldn't describe myself as a person with gamophobia, but I do have serious issues committing myself to people and long term projects.
When I first read that the United Kingdom was planning to make civil partnership open to heterosexual couples, I was elated. Now I am no longer elated. And that's because I read that the dissolution of a civil partnership is just as long and stressful as that of a marriage.
I have not even gotten in and I am already looking at how to get out.
Right now, if I were given the option to go back in time and do things differently with that ex, I wouldn't. In as much as I wanted to be with him, I didn't want it as much as I love being commitment free.
My refusal to commit fully has caused me and the people around me a lot of hurt and loss. My mother spent thousands of pounds trying to get me to finish university. I ended friendships with people over flimsy excuses. I did the same with my relationships.
I could have scored better grades at school. I could have written more pages of my fictions. I could have become a skilled pianist and song writer. I could have become a better singer. I could have forgiven that friend or asked for that friend for forgiveness. I could have tried harder to make that relationship work. I could have been more and better than I am right now.
I couldn't because I can't commit.
I want to do better, and I promise to do better.
It won't be easy but I will try my best.
Take the character test here: https://theishanqueen.blogspot.com/2019/11/character-test.html
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