SOMETIMES I GET TIRED OF BEING A FEMINIST

"Should bride price be abolished?"

"No, because a lot of men would take women for granted."

This was the reply an overwhelming amount of women gave to this demeaning practice.

You see, I waited 15 years for my mother to learn how to treat me right.

I waited 9 years for men to learn how to treat me right.

I waited 16 years for my friends to learn how to treat me right.

And now that I'm 27, I do not want to wait any longer for anybody to treat me right because I will tell them right from the beginning: "This is how I want to be treated and if you can't do it, please take a walk."

The average Nigerian women would rather be treated like property than actually stand up and set a standard for herself.

"It's too difficult. Let's wait for the men to realise that they are wrong."

Yes, let's wait for the men to realise that we can't go on like this, like the Americans realised that slavery was wrong. It only took them 200 years. 200 years for it to be abolished legally and more than half of a century for it to be abolished de facto because blacks were still being treated like slaves not until 50 years ago.

My heart bleeds for the Nigerian woman. I'm in pain because yesterday I came to the awful realisation that my fight for female emancipation is for myself alone.

These women are not interested in my talks.

They don't want to fight.

They want the men who erected patriarchy to also demolish it. 

They are deluded.

I could say even stupid.

Since the sudden realisation that I'm a lone ranger, I have come to this decision: I won't allow any bride price to be paid on my head and I won't submit to any human being who was born of a woman like me.

This is my personal feminism: it's mine and only.

Dear Nigerian woman, I wish you 200 blissful years of waiting.

Bye.

STRATEGIC MARRIAGE

This post is going to hurt a lot of people, especially my fellow women, but I think it's time someone took the ham off our eyes.

WHY HE IS HAPPY, WHILE SHE IS MISERABLE

Weeks ago I made a post containing the three top reasons why men and women get married in Nigeria and I received confirmation, from both friends and acquaintances, that my deductions were not too far from the truth. Women get married mainly for financial reasons, while men get married because it's just the next thing to do on the list.

Because of the different reasons why men and women get married, men are given much more time to accumulate as much wealth as possible, while women are groomed from birth to satisfy the number two reason why men get married: have someone to have their kids, cook their meals and clean after their mess.

It would seem that this arrangement works after all because both the man and the woman end up getting exactly what they wanted from their union; then why is it that, on the long run, husbands appear to be happy, while wives become more and more miserable?

The reason is quite simple. 

The Nigerian society is built in a way that allows men to go for a functional wife without having to give up the kind of woman they actually like, while women are expected to settle exclusively for the man they have decided to marry. So if a woman married a man just for money, she can't go out to look for a man whom she's actually attracted to. Adultery is not considered a big deal for a man. Our society rewards men when they succeed and excuse them when they fail. But this same society will withhold rewards for women - because success is what is expected of them - and punish them severely when they fail - because women have been awarded with the enormous responsibility of making sure things turn out fine. "Monkey dey work, baboon dey chop" kind of thing.

Men know this and they have been taking huge advantage of the system. They are technically the "leaders" in a marriage, but the success of said marriage does not depend on them, but rather on the woman.
So they can stray and as many times as they want with little to no consequences.

In Nigeria marriage is not built to accommodate the individuality and peculiarities of the husband and the wife.
Instead there is a model of husband and that of a wife that every single couple must adhere to. I'm not even going to list all the duties that are expected of the woman because that could take me ages and I need to get enough sleep for tomorrow, but I can spare a second to write the duty a man is expected to perform in a marriage because, well, it's just one: provide. It doesn't matter if he's a monumental piece of shit that has been left to dry under the burning sun of Abuja for centuries; as long as he provides money for "his" household, he is a good husband.

A successful marriage in Nigeria is not judged by how happy the couple is, but by how long they have been together. So a happy marriage that lasted just a few years is considered a failure compared to a nightmarish one that lasted instead twenty-five years. Quantity over quality.

In countries where individualism is valued and gender roles are almost non existent, you will come across a variety of types of marriages. And that's because in these countries man and woman get married mostly for companionship and even as a couple, they still maintain their uniqueness and peculiarities. They care about the quality and not the longevity.

WHY HE WANTS TO CHANGE YOU AFTER MARRIAGE

Why would a man obsess after this beautiful, successful and confident single woman, only to want to change her into an old, tired looking maid after marriage?
Then he goes out to date women who look like what she used to as a single woman. Is it witchcraft?

Yes, it is. But it's nothing that can't be defeated with a bit of bad character.

Men know very well that if they want to have the best of both worlds - a long lasting marriage and an adventurous social life - they can't allow their wives to be too financially independent, confident, sexy, sassy, fashionable and just awesome.  A woman like that would never settle for a mere provider. So what they do is try and re-mould her to fit into the role of the perfect Nigerian woman. A lot of women, obsessed by the idea of having a long lasting marriage, instead of a happy one where they are true to themselves, will mistake their husband's request to quit their job, change their mode of dressing, stop using hair extensions, stop applying make up and do away with their friends, for a sign of commitment. They will believe that that is what he truly likes and that that is what will make the marriage last long. 

Well I'm sorry to tell you that most men find unkempt women repulsive. What he has managed to do is make you unattractive to other men, including himself, so that he can have a reason to cheat on you. You yourself will eventually agree that you look gross, but you won't make efforts to reverse back to your pre-marriage settings because, against all odds, you have been convinced that that is what he really likes. He turned you into the perfect Nigerian wife with your full cooperation: you are now virtuous, submissive and ugly.

So my fellow woman, if you know that the woman you are today is not the woman you were before you got married, let me tell you now that you have been duped. Your husband does not even like the way you look right now. You are no longer his type of woman. The side chick that reminds you of your old self is. That is the kind of woman he likes. Right now you are just a tool serving a purpose. You are meant to be the figurine that holds the marriage together while he lives on merrily enjoying the best of both worlds.

Get up, burn those wrappers and untie your hair. Dust up your CV and go and look for a job. Start dressing sexy again. Join a gym. Visit a salon. Get a manicure. Resume your baby girl life. Trust me, your husband will start respecting you again. Fuck love. Respect is what matters.

Don't let nobody fool you: if he tries to change you, then he doesn't love you. He just wants to use you.

Now ask yourself: will you be his tool?

NIGERIAN MARRIAGE VS WESTERN MARRIAGE

As soon as a Nigerian man or woman learns that a woman is married, they automatically assume that she's submissive and "wise". They don't just associate this kind of reasoning with their Nigerian/African women, which would somehow make them right to an extent, but they go as far as thinking that even western born and raised women also conform to that type of marriage.

What they fail to understand is that marriage in Nigeria is very different from marriage in the west. Even the role of the stay at home wife which is considered a traditional role does not follow the same tradition as we understand it in Nigeria.

In the west, stay at home wives are protected under the law, especially the non earning ones. A man can't wake up one day and "throw" her out of the house. There is no such thing as "husband's house" or "father's house", what they know is matrimonial home or family house and parents' house.

In the west marriage is not fixed. If we could compare it to a garment, westerners "sew" their marriage garments to fit their individual uniqueness and peculiarities.

Think of paternity leave and gay marriage; those alone defy the traditional roles we expect of a man and a woman.

In Nigeria, marriage is a fixed garment. There is this ugly, badly sewn, cheap, dumb ready-made dress for the woman and a nice ready- made suit for the man and husband and wife must fit in. The society can allow a misfit for the man, but they don't tolerate a misfit for the woman. If a woman is too small for the dress, she must grow bigger and if she's too big for the dress, she must make herself smaller.

When someone says Michelle, Merkel, Serena and Beyoncé are married therefore they must be playing their traditional roles as wives, that someone doesn't just sound ridiculous, they also sound dumb.

These women will never make themselves smaller to fit into your cheaply sewn wife dress. For crying out loud, Beyoncé has five nannies. Five nannies. Which woman in Nigeria has five nannies?

Even higly accomplished Nigerian women did not become smaller to fit into the description of the good wife: they broke rules and probably burned their own dresses.

There is Nigerian marriage, then there is marriage. Nigerian marriage is what I wish for my enemies, marriage is what I wouldn't mind for myself one day.

And my wife dress? No dresses for me. Just a crop top and a pair of bum-shorts - for easy twerking.

Happy Hoe Life to future me.
And my husband will agree.

BE HAPPY YOU HAVE HIM

My friend stormed out of my house (after laying my bed - how nice) because of a heated argument we had about relationships.

He got mad when I told him that his advice was stupid and nonsense and that he should flush it down the toilet.

This man never sees any wrong in anything men do. He will cover up for them and even justify their actions. He believes that women ought to be grateful for being in a relationship and therefore should bear all the burden. We should be good all the time because a man, no matter how wayward he is and how horribly he treats you, will always remember a good woman.

Who remember epp?

He claims that a woman ought to pay the price, no matter how high it is to get the man she loves, because you know, at the end of the day, it's all going to be worth it.

I gave him different examples of women who bore the burden, paid a very high price, eventually got married to these men and ended up being miserable.

He said I'm focusing on the bad examples.

But let's be honest. This man is not a model of morals and of a husband. He is a proper ashawo who believes all men are like him and, unfortunately, the majority of men are like him, at least in Nigeria.

How many women who are married to men like him and know they are married to his type are happy? Will his wife continue to be happy if she finds out about all his dirty deeds?

Do you know this man has a daughter who is the apple of his eye and upon reminding him of that, he said and insisted the whole issue wasn't about her. Well, to me, it was.

It's about his daughter.
It's about me.
It's about my friend.
It's about his wife.
It's about every single woman in this world.

I swear upon my life that I will never lose my self respect and self-esteem because of a man.

I won't go broken.
I won't go lost.
I won't forsake my passion, my ambitions and my loved ones.

I will carry myself with pride.

I will send them to hell when necessary.
I will delete them when they cross their boundaries.

This friend says that with my attitude, I will never find a boyfriend.

Well I say that, with my attitude, his type will thread carefully around me.

I'm just waiting for his shit sack to explode on his face. Because cheats always get caught.

I mean how long can your stupidity go undetected?

And for all I care, any woman who is brave enough to tell you to go to hell, when you misbehave, is a keeper.

DOES COOKING VALIDATE ME AS A WOMAN?

I'm a single woman who lives on her own. Whenever I'm asked what I eat I simply say anything that is easy and fast to cook because I have a busy schedule. Then they ask me if I cook Nigerian dishes. I answer no. It's just me so there is no point cooking all that stuff if at the end of the day I'm gonna throw it away.

Then the nonsense resounds: "But you are a woman. You are supposed to cook".

For who? I don't know.

My ex's mother decided that I couldn't cook because I refused to stay in the kitchen with her and play the good daughter in-law. Months later she would eat a delicious ogbono soup made by me and give all credits to her son. 

A man once questioned my right to enjoy a delicious hamburger because, according to him, places like that (a fast food joint) are only meant for people like him. 

I have this friend who used to ask me to come and cook for him at least once a week. After telling him off several times, even aggressively, he got the message. Now he cooks the two recipes I taught him by himself but never fails to remind me that I'm not a better person. Like say I be better person (woman) I for come him house come cook for am. 

I enjoy cooking (occasionally). Recently I embarked on an experiment to cook all the types of soup I can think of. Now I'm super excited and literally can't wait for weekends to arrive. However after this experiment is concluded, cooking will become a boring task to me again and I'll be back to my noodles and pasta.

I don't know how it happened that all my worth has been reduced to how good of a cook I am. I could swear I had other qualities like being smart, funny, sassy, cute and so much more, but all that everyone sees is: "You fit cook sef?"

Where did I go wrong? Should I stock my fridge with food I'll never be able to eat all by myself just to prove that I'm a good woman and eigible for marriage?

What do I do? 

Aaaah. I yam tired. 