DOCTRINE AND THINKING IN HARMONY

I gave up on religion during my teenage years. I have never been a spiritual or religious type for I can remember: I had always preferred my individual law to doctrines and dogmas. So when I found myself in an environment that encouraged a rational thinking, I was more than happy to abandon all the pretense and deceit I put up in the name of maintaining an African and family identity. Today I’m a free thinker, but as well as other people, I have gone through various phases: first I became a skeptic, then a negationist and lately I have been able to find my balance between my rationalism and the religious doctrine I have major contact with which happens to be Christianity. This is the religion I also grew up with. I knew a few Muslims but we’ve never engaged in any religious debates, because, contrary to what is normally thought and shown in the media, Muslims are more reserved about their faith unlike Christians, who according to the media are very moderate and tolerant, yet, privately they are more oppressing and intolerant towards people who don’t share their faith.

As a skeptic, my first question was “Where was God in this World”. I was not looking for a physical presence, but for something physical and tangible that could actually prove that there was an intelligent force behind everything, as preached by Christians. I was perplexed and disappointed though. For every disaster that happened, you had a Christian coming out claiming it was part of a bigger plan that God has reserved for us, thus justifying all the pain and suffering that existed in the world. But the pain I saw in the eyes of those suffering was too heart tearing to be part of an intelligent plan that a supposed clement god had made for us. The pain was too physical and devastating for it to be brushed off as “expected” and “normal”. There is nothing normal in suffering. The rupture of normality and the passage to instability caused pain. I knew very well that change is the only permanent thing in life, but it was crazy that for something spectacular to happen, a disaster of the same entity had to take place. The law of dynamic says: for every action, there is a reaction of the same force; but in this case it seemed that for everything given to us, we had to give something in return which left me questioning: isn’t this God supposed to be benevolent and love free of charge? Didn’t he create man out of pure love or was he just attention starved and created us for us to worship him and pay back everything he did for us, with a superhuman sacrifice? If we put God and man on a scale, we’d have an entire humanity placed on a plate and yet we still wouldn’t bring the scale to a balance. Now imagine how much suffer we must use to compensate an infinitesimal good God does for us. There is something wrong somewhere. It’s either Christians don’t have a clue about how this God actually operates or this God is a sadist. Because unless he gives us for free, we can never, I mean never, pay back our dues. It’s impossible. A single can’t even if he was given millions of years or millions of lives. Even as a collectivity, we still can’t measure up to the level of adoration required to make things even. And now that we have a divided multitude, with people choosing other religions, philosophies and a growing number choosing to live an irreligious life, it seems we are bound to remain in debt as long as the human race exists. So that justifies all the horrible disasters we have been witnessing for centuries? Is that why we have wars, epidemics, feminine killing innocent people and children every day? At this point it was obvious that I couldn’t remain a skeptic forever. I had either become an fool living in an illusion of a perfect god or a negationist: such god couldn’t just exists.

For years I did live as a negationist and it was very challenging, not for me as a person but for those around me. My mother has never really been that religious but she has always found comfort in the spiritual. She made me baptize and confirm at the Catholic Church and during my childhood until my early adolescence, I sincerely respected those vows, but I later on found out they didn’t belong to me. She didn’t take it lightly. We used to have arguments and fights, until she decided to let me be. I gained my total independence from religion at seventeen, I think. I was very determined to abandon all the falsity attached to the religious words. I saw so many Christians hiding behind their Bibles: self-proclaimed holy and righteous who were so far away from being decent human beings. So in terms of self-conviction I was inflexible. In those few times I attended religious functions, I never took part in their prayers or rites, because I didn’t want to be a hypocrite. There were times though I was forced to participate, and even then I firmly refused. This was perceived as an act of rebellion, as an embarrassment to my family. Trust the bigots to be investigating behind my back on why I didn’t want to be part of their activities. They didn’t know; in fact they don’t know anything. But I respected the pastors enough to let them know that mine wasn’t an act of rebellion or an attempt to question their authority or that of the church. I was there was a learner and an observer. Even though I had rejected Christianity, I still thought it was a very bad idea to set a limit to my knowledge of this religion, so when I could, I went to church. I sang when I knew the song and I danced when I felt the rhythm, but I wasn’t a wolf in sheep’s garment and I was never going to take the Holy Communion or allow the pastor to anoint my head because I was not a liar. The pastors perfectly understood and they let me be, even though the woman-pastor went on privately to try to convert me. I didn’t mind. I liked her and I respected her, not because she was a pastor, but because she was a person of principle. I don’t have anything against religious people, as long as they are faithful to what they preach. Even enemies respect each other when they know they are being absolutely faithful and loyal to their cause, so when I meet someone of principle, I could care less whether they were Christians or not. I’d always respect them for being that brave and bold because it’s really hard to resist the temptation to compromise to stand for what you believe in.

Perhaps she contributed somehow to my transformation into a more moderate thinker, but today I’m glad I have abandoned my state of negationism. I’m now more open to experimenting and I have not totally refused the idea of becoming a believer someday. After speaking with the pastors, they still wanted me to take part in their rites. At first I thought that would be going against my principles, but then having informed the church leaders of my ideas, I felt very free of guilt whenever I took part in their activities. I even allowed them to baptize them a second time and surprisingly, I have fallen twice under the power of anointing. I don’t know: had I eaten those days, would I have fallen? I’m not a very hard task, just a push and I’m already on the floor. But hunger or not, those experiences left me wondering. I believe in karma and I believe in aura; and I think these men of God just happen to have that special aura that captures you and overwhelms you. It may be spiritual or just part of the many human characteristics we are yet to discover.

However today, I’m free. I no longer feel resentful towards religion, neither do I blame religion for the horrible things people do. People are bad regardless of whatever doctrine they belong to; and if someone needs to follow a doctrine to be the best person they can be, then they have to do so and I invite them to. There are those who are meant to lead and others who are meant to be led and a few others who just walk on their own without a guide or a flock. We are all different and we must strive to bring out the best in us. I found my way in this path and I love it.

This is exactly where I want to be and you?