WHAT GOOD CHARACTER REALLY IS

According to www.keydifferences.com, character refers to a set of morals and beliefs that defines how we treat or behave with others and ourselves.

According to www.exampes.yourdictionary.com, morals are the rules that govern which actions are right and which are wrong. A moral can be for all of society or an individual's beliefs. Sometimes a moral can be gleaned from a story or experience.

According to www.wikipedia.com, belief is the state of mind in which a person thinks something to be the case regardless of empirical evidence to prove that something is the case with factual certainty. Another way of defining belief sees it as a mental representation of an attitude positively oriented towards the likelihood of something being true.

Based on these definitions, a character has the following characteristics:

1. It's what we actually are;
2. It's mental and moral:
3. It is a learned behaviour:
4. It is objective;
5. It includes the traits of a person that are abstract;
6. it remains the same;
7. It requires the validation of the society.

Based on this list, we can debunk many of the misconceptions that we have about character.

1. Character has nothing to do with your religious affiliation or lack of.

Many people think that just because they are Christians, Muslims or observant of any religious doctrines, that they automatically have a good character. That is not true.

A person can be deeply religious and still be morally bankrupt and a total asshole. Check that man or woman who treats people like garbage and you'll find out that they occupy important positions in their place of worship.

2. Character has nothing to do with your subservience to authority.

Being an obedient child, citizen, or wife does not make you a person with good character. As a matter of fact, one could say that you do not have a character, since most of the actions that you take are not the result of your free will, but that of someone else's. An obedient person simply acts according to the character of the person to whom they are being obedient. They are as bland as boiled rice.

3. Character has nothing to do with how domesticated you are.

This is especially for the women. Just because you can cook, clean, wash and give a man orgasm in 100 different ways does not mean you have a good character. It simply means that you are have a set of skills. Good for you.

And be careful to assume that a man has a good character just because he too can do all of the above.

4. Character has nothing to do with your high tolerance towards disrespect.

Your ability to tolerate and accommodate disrespectful people in your life has nothing to do with having a good character. On the contrary it could indicate a weak personality or even a dysfunctional one. It can also mean that your set of morals and beliefs are flawed. 

This is especially for women. There are many of you who endure all sorts of abuse, humiliation and crap from your family, friends and lovers, thinking that that will make you appear as someone with a good character, it doesn't. Something is wrong somewhere and that somewhere is within you. You cannot control how people treat you, but you can control how much you make yourself available to be treated wrongly.

5. Character has nothing to do with your family background.

Being from a broken home does not automatically make you a person with a bad character, the same way being from an unbroken home does not automatically make you a person with a good character.

You won't have a bad character just because your mother or your father has a bad character and you won't have a good character just because your mother or your father has a good character.

Character, like we said at the beginning, is learned and learning is a process that takes place in your brain. The way your brain processes information will determine how you will react to your surrounding environment. If you are the inquisitive type, you will most likely end up critiquing your environment. And if you are the passive type, you will simply absorb everything, the good and the bad, like a sponge. This doesn't mean that inquisitive people turn out to have good characters and that passive people tend to have bad characters. It is a combination of one's level of intelligence and the environment they are exposed to.

If a passive person grows up among people of integrity, they will most likely end up being a person of integrity themselves. However an inquisitive person can grow up in that same environment and not possess an iota of integrity because
their brain has decided that integrity is not a useful value.

I and someone I know are good examples of people who grew up in an environment where morals were scarce. I still managed to build solid principles on my own because I am inquisitive; while that person ended up blending with the environment they grew up in because they are passive.

6. Character has nothing to do with having strong family ties.

If you and your family are close knitted, congratulations, but that doesn't say much about your character.

I know for a fact that there is no family that is tighter than a family that runs a criminal organisation.

"La famiglia e' tutto". Have you ever watched any movie about organised crime? Think of the trilogy of The Godfather.

Many women will jump on a man just because he worships his mother, thinking that his love for his mother, extends to every other woman around. I had exes who loved their mothers more than any other thing, but you do not want to know how lowly they view the women they relate with amorously and sexually.

Men too, should take note of this.

7. Character has nothing to do with meeting up with societal standards.

You have a good job, you go to church or mosque, you are married, you have kids - you have done everything that the society requires from you. Congratulations. Unfortunately this does not mean that you have a good character.

But still, well done.

8. Character has nothing to do with occupying a position of authority.

People who are in a position of leadership often feel that not only do they have a good character, but that they have the authority to determine who has a good character or not, using theirs as a parameter. And the people they lead often believe it too. Wrong.

Your parents can have bad characters.
Your pastors can have bad characters.
Your boss can have a bad character.
Your governor, president or village ruler can have bad characters.

And women, your husbands can have bad characters. Admitting it will expose your gullibility and in some cases desperation to be a married woman, but the truth will set you free.

9. Character has nothing to do with your quality of life.

A good life is not a reward for having a good character and a bad life is not a punishment for having a bad character.

There are many people with bad characters who are having the time of their lives, while many people with good characters are dealing with all sort of shit.

In life, intelligence, talent, skills, determination and opportunity matter when it comes to having a shot at being successful. And if I may add, having a character that is neither good or bad could come in handy. It makes you more flexible and adaptable to all the various curve balls.

10. Nobody is perfect.

Trying to have a perfect character is suicide. Unless you want to isolate yourself from the world and go and live on a fucking mountain.

The Pope does not have the perfect character.
The Dalai Lama does not have a perfect character.
All those historical figures you admire did not have perfect characters. They fought noble causes, which earned them a place in the history of mankind, but they all had their flaws.

Mother Theresa was a sadist and a hypocrite.
Ghandi was a racist and a sex addict.
Martin Luther King was a serial cheat.
Malcomx was an ex con. He fucked a white woman when interracial relationships were illegal.
Mandela was abusive towards his first wife.
Einstein was a misogynist.

But today we speak highly of them. Why? Because they were intelligent, charismatic, innovative, talented and skilled. But trust me, there were people who knew them personally and who thought that they were assholes.

And that brings us to this final part.

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Can you know if you have bad character?

Probably not. People are not the most truthful when it comes to themselves, but I still wouldn't advise you to rely on the opinions of other people, and for three good reasons: humans are selfish, opportunistic and do a lot of projecting.

People will tell you that you have a bad character when they can't get you to do their bidding.

One way you could do a self assessment is by keeping track of how often the people who come close to you, stick around you, including those who say that you do not have a good character.

Trust me, even people with bad characters do not want to be around other people with bad characters.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. How old is your oldest friendship?
2. How often do you lose your friends?
3. What do you have in common with your friends?
4. Do people ever come to you to confide in you?
5. Do your friendships/relationships end because of the way you treat your friends/partners or because of the way they treat you?
6. Have you ever stopped talking to your friend because you believed they have grown too big?
7. Have you ever stopped talking to a friend because you believed that you have grown too big?
8. Are you always the last person to know what's happening in your friends' lives?
9. Do your friends often speak more of the things that you do for them or of the things that you do to them?
10. How do you treat people in vulnerable positions?
11. Are your acts of kindness motivated by personal gain?

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And remember: nobody is asking you to be the best. But you can make conscious efforts to be the best version of yourself.

Good night and good luck.

WOMEN ARE BROUGHT UP TO BE ASHAMED OF THEIR BODIES

The relationship a woman has with her body is almost opposite to the relationship a man has with his body.

On the one hand, men do not practice that level of regard or secrecy. And it's fundamentally because they were not raised to. Men generally don't care who sees their naked bodies. They whip out their penises in public without thinking twice if the urge to pee arises.

On the other hand, women were taught to cover up and protect their bodies. From the way they dress, to the way they sit. How many women do you see peeing by the road side in broad day light? Even at night, we still look for the darkest and most hidden spot to relieve ourselves.

A woman and a man wear undies that highlight their privates. We praise the man for his meaty bulge and shame the woman for her obvious camel toe.

How many of the women chanting disrespect would side with an anonymous woman who thinks that a headless picture of her fiance wearing just boxers on Twitter is enough to call off an engagement?

Your relationship with your body is ridiculously uptight. And also, you are ridiculously projecting your sense of shame.

LOVELESS PEOPLE SHOULDN'T HAVE KIDS

If you can't love another person's child like your own, then you have no business becoming a parent.

Nigerians are always proud to say that they can't love another person's child the way they'd love theirs, and that goes to show how emotionally and mentally damaged they are. It's obvious that these people do not have any love to give, so they have kids to give them love instead.

Also there is this idea that being a parent is a privilege which grants them automatic access to the child's life, decisions and wealth. It makes sense that this kind of entitlement can only happen with a child whom you conceived with your sperm or carried in your womb for 9 months.

Our understanding of the parent-child dynamic is totally fucked up.

Little wonder Nigerians regularly treat house helps, step children, nieces and nephews like trash. Take a look at an average family picture and you will immediately spot the servants or the distant relatives. They have a dullness to them, compared to the biological children who are glowing effortlessly.

I'm a childfree woman, but I wouldn't have any problem dating a man who has a kid or kids. I could say no because I do not want the responsibility of looking after children, but my yes would mean accepting him and his kids without reservations.

If you are the kind of person who rebukes adoption as if it's a curse because your child must share DNA with you, otherwise you wouldn't be able to love him or her, let me tell you now that there is something wrong with you. You are not capable of love and I doubt you will even love your kids.

We see you future abusers of children who did not spring out of their genitalia. We see you and we want to let you know that you will never fool us into thinking that you are a good person.

Remember: the blood of the brotherhood is thicker than the water of the womb.

FRIENDSHIPS AND RELATIONSHIPS SHOULD HAVE SIMILAR FOUNDATIONS

The women you don't want as friends can only introduce you to men you don't want to date.

When you are searching for a partner, your circle of friends will play a crucial role as much as your personal efforts. You can't be friends with cats and expect them to introduce you to tigers.

In my previous posts, I stated that:

1. State your standards;
2. Embody your standards;
3. Date men who are comfortable with your standards;
4. Avoid women who question your standards.

Ever since I joined the match making group I have blocked no less than 30 men. Perhaps they are even more. I have lost count.

The purpose of the group is to meet prospective partners. I may not be searching, but I'm observing. And for me to enjoy my observation, I do not need those kind of people in my space.

I have only blocked 3 women so far. They are free to rave mad and insult me all they want as long as they do not cross certain lines. And the reason why I don't block women, is because they are crucial to scouting out the kind of men I do not want.

The women who come to attack other women for stating their standards do so to get the attention of a particular type of men. The kind of men I only want to see in my block list. In essence, I'm using the women as baits.

Whenever any of them insults me, I search among their reactions and block any man who liked that comment. I also block any man who replies in support of that comment.

If they tag people, I search among the tags and block any man they have tagged.

Because the logic is simple: that kind of woman will never attract the kind of man I like. The kind of man I like would never mingle with that kind of woman to begin with.

Wetin concern shark with sardine?

I have been practising this method and it works.

If you know yourself and the kind of man you want, as you are filtering out the ones you don't want, you should make sure that your circle of interaction is the kind of environment that your spec will want to be.

You are a feminist and your circle of friends is full of pickmeists and PTDs, what are your chances that any of them can assist in your search for a partner?

You are a pickmeist, and your circle of friends is full of feminists. Why would a feminist introduce a patriarchal prince to her friend?

Note this down: "My friends matter".

Most of my closest friends are feminists. Both the men and the women. Any man or woman who speaks patriarchy should not count on me to introduce any of my friends to him or her.

Look around you: is your circle of interaction, both online and offline, a favourable ground for you to find the kind of person you want?

If it's not, then I'd say it's time you started weeding them out.

When you reach a certain age, your friendships should embody who you are and what you stand for. Also, they should contribute to making you a better person. If they don't, then they are of no use and a waste of time. 

PRETTY PRIVILEGE

The world is riddled with privileges. As much as there has been a considerate amount of effort to curb them, privileges still exist. Privileges are the results of loop holes in existing laws and products of human bias.

There are four global dominant privileges - white privilege, male privilege, money privilege and pretty privilege.

White privilege is the result of centuries of Europeans invading, destroying and looting other countries, even of their inhabitants, which they used as slaves. They later reinforced this dominion with laws and religions that were aimed at making sure that this social and political structure dominated the world and all the countries they occupied. Europeans robbed other civilisations of 500 years of their history and their growth.

Male privilege is the result of a systematic oppression of female humans by male humans. For centuries women were denied access to education, jobs, relevant positions in the society because men had succeded in propagateling falsities such as "women are less smart than men. Or women are too mentally weak and frail to make important decisions". Aristle even said that women are half human beings. Christianity reduced women to one single rib, made out of a full fledge man. Islam clearly says that women are worth half of what a man is worth.

Money privilege is the result of the fear people feel towards those who have access to resources that they don't. A rich person is more likely to be able to influence the creation of laws that will favour him or her, manipulate situations and buy people's support.

Pretty Privilege is the result of human bias and nothing more. Beauty is associated with all that is good and innocent. In fact, people generally sympathise with good looking people, more than they do with those who are not.  Because white people dominate the world, the global epitome of beauty is man or a woman with eurocentric features. Which means that people with prominent features and coarse hair are at the bottom of the beauty chain, usually people of African descent.

Nigeria is nation of black people, so white privilege is not systematically enforced, and we are still able to admire a beautiful African person even though his or her nose is not pointed and their lips are not thin.

What privileges dominate the Nigerian society?

In Nigeria, pretty privilege works for women, male privilege works for men, while money privilege works for both men and women. Male and money privilege are systematic. Pretty privilege is whimsical.

In my last post, I said that women are brought up to be obedient and subservient wives to their future husbands. But that men are not brought up to be diligent and loving husbands to their wives. To buttress this point, I used the analogy of a master and a dog.

Dogs are the ones who are trained and shaped to respect their masters' wishes and commands. All a master needs is the amount of money required to purchase one. A master's ability to keep a dog is never questioned. Nobody asks a person who wants to buy a dog if they can love it and treat it right. But the dog on its part is judged for how it barks, how it responds to orders and how it wiggles its tail.

How is a dog's worth calculated?

Sinple: on its beauty and pedigree. Breeding has been in vogue for centuries and its sole purpose is to create the most beautiful and unique dogs, which will later be sold at ridiculous prices.

The most expensive dog in the world is the Samoyed, which goes from $4,000 to $11,000.

How does this apply to women?

Simple: the more beautiful a woman is, the more she's likely to trade this beauty for a man's money.

Every woman is expected to be domesticated. That's our basic training. A woman who can't perform domestic chores or who acts unruly towards a figure of authority is considered an anomaly. Beauty is supposed to be a plus.

However, even in the absence of this basic training, beautiful women still manage to end up with rich men, and are still the object of desire of poor or average men.

That is pretty privilege.

Remember: the highest a dog will ever sit is on its master's laps. However in order to get there, it has to stand out from the pack, naturally.

MEN DO NOT RESPECT PICK ME WOMEN

When I posted my introduction on a Facebook dating group, and I was attacked by men, personally the insults didn't get to me. It was expected. I had practically just made myself inaccessible to a good majority of them. Entitled people hate it and hate you when you don't do their bidding.

What I found funny about the whole situation though was that women too were attacking me for not wanting to be accessible to every Tom, Dick and Harry. They were questioning my right to set standards for myself and were demanding that I played nice.

"You can be a feminist and still be nice".

Bitter truth: you cannot be a feminist in a way that does not offend men. The very definition of feminism is an attack on male privilege and toxic masculinity. It says "women are human beings, people, just like men", and we live in a society that says "Men are human beings, people, while women are instruments of male gratification".

Just like dogs, women are trained by their parents to become loyal and obedient wives to their husbands. When a man wants to marry, he goes to a woman's father, pays money to him, buys gifts for the entire family and community, and in exchange he's given the woman as a wife. He practically buys her the way a person would buy a dog.

The woman will then relocate to wherever the man decides, change her surname to his surname and bear children that will bear his surname. Women are supposed to gift their husbands with their virginity as well to show that no other man has touched them before. Again, like a dog.

The whole system is built to make sure men and women complement and need each other. Men need female adulation and women need male validation.

But the difference is in the power structure. On the one hand, men demand for female adulation. A woman must worship and revere them. It is their right. Women are expected to know this.

On the other hand, women hope that men will validate them. They hope that they will notice their efforts and give them that head rub that validates their entire existence, just like a master does with a dog. And men know this.

The women who are the most guilty of this behaviour are the Pick Me Women.

They are always the ones to gbam to every statement aimed at debasing women.

Man: A woman who is not ready to be submissive should avoid getting married.
Pick Me: Gbam.

Man: Women who are not virgins do not deserve faithful husbands.
Pick Me: Gbam.

Man: A woman who cannot cook has failed in life.
Pick Me: Gbam.

Man: No matter how successful and educated a woman is, if she's not married by the time she's 30, and with three children, she has failed in life.
Pick Me: Gbam.

Man: A woman's husband is her beauty and crown.
Pick Me: Gbam.

I could go on and on. The point is all these women care about is looking good for men. And in order to achieve this, they even promote self degrading ideas on their own.

"Women are the cause of domestic violence because they talk back."

"Women push men outside their marriage with their behaviour."

"Women cause rape by not covering up."

It's worrisome, but still not as worrisome as the women who join men to insult other women, women who gbam to insults by men against other women, women who point out the women to insult, and women who insult other women of their own initiative. The Pull Them Down Women.

Back in the days of slavery, the reason why many slaves who tried to escape were caught was because another slave snitched on them. These snitches sabotaged another slave's plan to become a free man or woman by reporting them to the guards or master. They got a head rub and maybe a few goodies, but what they never got was their freedom.

Both the slave who tried to escape and the slave who snitched on him or her remained slaves. Because the rules said "White people are free, black people are slaves".

Likewise, when a woman insults another woman or calls for men to insult another woman, she doesn't earn the respect of these men. She doesn't become "one of the guys". Because the rules says that for you to become "one of the guys", you must be a guy. So no matter how hard these women try, men will never treat them with the respect they treat other men.

What about the women that are insulted? What do men think of them

Let's go back to slavery once more. Whenever the slaves who tried to escape were captured, they were punished by whipping, shackling, hanging, beating, burning, mutilation, branding, rape, and imprisonment. Punishment was often meted out in response to disobedience or perceived infractions, but sometimes abuse was performed to re-assert the dominance of the master (or overseer) over the slave. (Wikipedia)

The master didn't just punish them because they ran away. He punished them and even killed them to re-establish the social order in the plantation. The masters FEARED them. They feared that these runaway slaves would influence other slaves to become subsersive. The punishment that the slaves received was not to discourage them from running away again, it was to discourage other slaves from even trying. These masters knew that courage was infectious.

Similarly when men attack women for daring to change the social order, they want to make an example out of her. They want other women to watch and learn, including the Pick Me Women and the Pull Them Down Women. Because at the end of the day, we are all women.

Fortunately we no longer live in the Middle Ages, when women were tortured and burned at the stake for being witches. And yes, many of them were reported to the Church by other women (Pull Them Down Women have been in existence since forever).

Today, the most these men and women can do is hurl insults at you, and insults can only do as much damage as you allow them.

On my post I was called bitter, unhappy, sex starved, a lesbian, an attention seeker, a whore, e.t.c.. I checked the definitions of these words and none of them describe me. Their words hit my barrier of awesomeness and bounced back right at them.

After that introduction, I became even more confident of my ideas because I know how much men fear them. And  I pity those women who attacked me because I know that they didn't earn the respect that they so much desired.

Dogs never get to sit at the table with their masters no matter how obedient and subservient they are. The highest they will ever get to sit is on their master's lap.

MEN DO NOT LIKE MAKE UP ON WOMEN?

I have seen this statement by men many times on social media. These men also state that men do not like unmarried women who:

- wear artificial hair;
- fix artificial nails;
- drive big and expensive cars;
- live in a rich neighbourhood;
- have properties;
- have post graduate degrees;
- are ambitious;
- dress fashionably.

All of it is a lie. It's a big time lie.

First of all, if you take a look at the men who make these blanket statements you will find out that they are either poor or barely comfortable. So their reasons for making these statements have very little to do with their personal taste and everything to do with their financial status.

These men have a problem with women who do all of the things in that list because they have a problem with women who are high maintenance.

It doesn't matter whether the woman is doing the maintenance by herself or relying on her lover to do it. They just don't like it because they cannot afford it.

Also, In Nigeria, once a woman looks good, drives a nice car and lives in a nice apartment, men start labelling her a runsgirl. I posted a picture of myself in an ordinary bedroom and some men started asking who paid for the hotel room.

Just like every other man Nigeria, poor or struggling men believe that they should have any woman they want. Nevertheless they cannot stand the idea that people might wonder why a particular type of woman is with them, since their status is lower than hers.

A rich or wealthy man will never ever say that he has problems with his woman wearing make up or fixing her nails. Because if need be, he can comfortably fund her lifestyle.

Ned is not the kind of man people expected Regina to end up with. Regina is young, beautiful and is doing well for herself. She could have easily found a young and dashing young man to date or marry, if she so desired. But she chose Ned, and people started wondering why, even though they knew already.

Ned also knows why Regina is with him, but he also knows that Regina might never find another man who can give her what he is giving her. He's in the 0.1%, against Regina who's in the 20%. Billionaires like him are scarce, while young, beautiful and high maintenance women like Regina are many.

Unfortunately the reality of the average Nigerian man is not the same as Ned's. The average Nigerian man is poor. Then right above the average, we have a majority that is barely comfortable. The average Nigerian man is in the 95%. Men like them abound, while high maintenance women like Regina are a lot less in comparison.

Why don't these leave the women in the 20% alone then, and find one among the 80%?

Well, for starters they don't find the women in the 80% desirable. Secondly, the women in the 80% want a man that is at least in the 5%.

It would seem like a contradiction that poor men like high maintenance women, but they also want these high maintenance women to look like low maintenance women.

First of all, everybody wants the finest things in life, including those people who cannot afford those things.

Secondly, there is the thrill that comes with acquiring a priced possession. There is no satisfaction in dating low maintenance women. She's either low maintenance because she's poor or because she's trying to bag a man. Easy thing.

On the other hand, there is a lot of satisfaction that comes from being able to successfully woo and date a high maintenance woman. And even more satisfaction from being able to mould this high maintenance woman to reflect his own status.

So when next you come across a man who says "Men don't like women who [are high maintenance]", take it as a big red flag, and flee. No matter how cute he is, do not ignore the red flag.

If you are a high maintenance woman, date and marry men who are comfortable with being with a high maintenance woman.

If you are a low maintenance woman who is working to upgrade herself, avoid dating men who are not comfortable with high maintenance women.

GET WHAT YOU WANT, AND NOT WHAT THEY ARE WILLING TO OFFER

If you do not set your standards, nobody will set them for you. And as far as Nigeria goes, a woman's standards should be zero. Anything goes.

When it comes to dating, any man in Nigeria feels entitled to the love and devotion of any woman in Nigeria. It doesn't matter whether he is poor, uneducated, unattractive, unintelligent and/or of dubious character. A woman should take whatever she gets.

A poor woman who turns down the advances of a poor man is arrogant. Likewise a rich woman who turns down the advances of a poor man. Accepting to be with a poor man is the ultimate proof of humility. And humility is the most sought out virtue in a woman. Please.

In my last post, I said that a woman should be the standard that she seeks, but a woman can also aspire to a standard that she knows she can be and will be, with the right push. Do not choose a partner based on your present state, if you have concrete and realistic plans to improve that state in the next future.

The importance of setting your standards cannot be undermined. It saves you time and it saves you stress that comes with disappointments and arguments.

Dele wants to come over to Chika's apartment, and he offers to bring a bottle of wine with him. Dele likez white wine. Chika likes red wine. Dele says "I'm coming with a bottle of white", and Chika does not mention that she doesn't like white, instead that she likes red. Dele arrives, opens the bottle of wine and serves Chika a glass. She's displeased, but still doesn't reveal that she doesn't like white wine. The conversation is stale, Chika is getting irritated and Dele starts getting a negative vibe. The visit ends and Dele never calls Chika again.

Imagine if Chika had just said "I don't like white wine. I like red wine."

In that moment she would have known if Dele is the kind of man who would:

- force her to drink white wine because that's what he likes;
- buy a bottle of red wine instead because that is what she likes; or
- buy an additional bottle of red wine so that they can each enjoy what they like.

In my introduction on Match Maker, I stated "men's opinions are irrelevant to me". And I said it because I mean it.

I was added to the group by a friend, but I wasn't sure that I wanted to join. Because, like I also mentioned in my introduction, I'm not looking forward to dating right now. But eventually I did. And I joined because, even though I could not comment, I could see all the posts inside the group. And the one that got me to join was one that read "men don't like women who wear too much make, so women need to reduce their make up".

I had to tell him "your opinion is irrelevant".

First of all, it's a lie that men do not like make up or too much make up on women, but I'll talk about that in another post. Secondly, he was setting a standard for himself and was trying to force every woman out there to comply. Thirdly he's entitled. He's the kind of man who believes that every woman out there need his approval to exist.

I don't need a man's approval, and certainly not his. I don't need people's approval. I have a group of selected friends whose approval matter to me. But before they came to occupy such an important position in my life, they proved to me that they possess values and ideals that align with mine and that are not detrimental to my person. They would never force me to do something that makes me miserable just because it makes them happy. And they would never try to stop me from doing something that would be extremely beneficial to me, just because it would make them sad.

I will dig in further into this sense of entitlement by Nigerian men in another post, but for now, let me just say this: "You don't get to set my standards for me just because you have a penis, or because you are rich".

Four years ago, I was seeing someone. He knew very well that I wasn't the kind of person who liked impromptu plans, especially the types that required me to make efforts in order to leave the house. Efforts like dressing up and making up. I need to plan my outfit days in advance. And doing my make up is a task. He knew this because I had told him. One evening, he showed up at my house tipsy and started demanding that I dressed up and went out with him. I said no. We had an argument and I asked him to leave. That's how we stopped seeing each other. He would later criticise my standards and principles and encourage me to bring them down a bit. Whatever. At least he never tried to force me to do anything that I didn't want to do again or show up tipsy in my house.

This is a simple example, just like the first example I made with the bottle of wine. But the point remains crucial.

If you state what you want, you are more likely to get it. If you do not state what you want, people will give you what they think you want, and it's going to be what they want.

If you are lucky, their desire will match your desire. But life is rarely about luck. So most of the time, you will get what you do not want, in the cheapest quality and in the harshest taste.

QUALITY MATTERS WHEN IT COMES TO ATTENTION

I have met women who love to brag about the number of men that are chyking them. It would seem that they swim in a pool of attention, yet these women are always single or never in a meaningful relationship. You begin to wonder, if these women are getting this much attention from men, how come they haven't been able to establish a relationship with any of them?

You see, it is not so much about the quantity of men who swoon over them. Instead it is about the quality of men.That is why it is not just enough that you set a standard for yourself. You must also make sure that you represent the standard that you seek.

Let's take for example Woman A and Woman B.

Woman A gets an average of 10 chykers in a day, while Woman B gets an average of just 3 chykers in a day.

However Woman A is unattached, while Woman B is romantically involved.

Both women have similar standards. They both want a man who is educated, intelligent, financially comfortable and attractive. But only one of them is currently involved with a man who meets those standards. Why?

It is because, unlike Woman A, Woman B is not just demanding for a specific type of man. She is also that specific type of woman.

She's educated, intelligent, financially comfortable and attractive. Because of these qualities that she possesses, her circle of interaction is more likely to include the kind of man that she wants.

Woman A on the other hand is lacking in either one, or two or in all these qualities and as a result her social circle includes men who, just like her, are also lacking in some or all of those qualities.

The reason why the men who chyke Woman A do not chyke Woman B is because they do not have access to Woman B. She operates on a different level from theirs. And similarly the men who chyke Woman B, do not chyke Woman A because they operate on a different level from hers.

When I wrote my introduction in Match Maker, I made sure that I stated clearly who I was and what I stood for because that would automatically filter out the kind of men I do not want. Mind you, I have not yet written what I want in a prospective partner. I simply outlined, "This is me", and that alone helped me to tell the men who are worth it from the men who are not.

If I had simply posted a picture of myself with the usual name, age, occupation, location and hobbies, I'd have gotten a ton of attention, even from men who hate feminists, Atheists and women who don't seek their validation. And I don't care for that.

Quality matters to me, so I made sure that I became the quality that I seek.

You are member of a match making group. You are there to meet someone special with the hope of initiating a relationship with them. But is this person supposed to be anybody? Or do you have a specific kind of person in mind?

I know what I want and when I'm ready to go for it, I'll know exactly where to find it. So the men that do not meet those standards can insult me as much as they want, but guess what? They will never slide into my inbox to yarn rubbish about getting to know me. I have already stated clearly that I operate on a different level from theirs.

MERCY DOESN'T OWE HER FAMILY

Mercy narrated the story of her life and how she's struggled to get where she is today. She comes from a very poor home. Her four brothers are jobless. Her sister is baby mama of three children. They all used to sleep in one room, e.t.c.. And, as usual, people are already judging her for using her money to look after herself instead of helping her family.

I say "God forbid".

God forbid that I'll ask anybody to inherit their family poverty. Mercy doesn't have any obligation towards her family. Not to mention that she's also the last born. She's supposed to be taken care of, not the other way round.

She's not responsible for her parents' decision to give birth to more children than they could take care of. She doesn't owe them anything.

The only person she owes is herself. She must look after herself first. Her siblings are not sick or disabled. They are all healthy and capable of hustling.

Her money belongs to her alone. If she wants to share, fine. If she doesn't want to share, fine. This bullshit of sending female children to sleep with men, so that her abled parents and siblings brothers can share the money is rubbish.

Her mother and her sister have a pussy too. They should start doing their own runs.

Her brothers can also put their dicks to use. Jigolo-ism is a lucrative career.

Enough of the "If I were Mercy, my family would come before my butts and Fashion Nova."

Well, Mercy comes before her family, and since it's HER butts and HER body, they come first by default too.

Nigerians and inheriting generational curses wey nor concern them.

NIGERIANS ARE NOT AS GOOD AS THEY THINK THEY ARE

I laugh when a Nigerian wants to claim that they are so good. No Nigerian person received a pristine upbringing. We are all lacking in something. And the ones who won't admit their flaws are the worst among us.

Considering that more than half of Nigerians are poor, chances are that they were taught how to survive, but not how to love. Loving someone and feeling responsible for someone are not the same thing. You feel responsible for your parents and siblings doesn't mean you love them.

That's why I take love from poor people with pinch of salt. It could be a strategy to get something from you and discard you when they no longer need you.

If you grew up in Nigeria or was raised by Nigerian parents who never came to terms with their own childhood trauma, you certainly inhaled and internalized some of the toxicity.

Except for psychopaths, children are born in a neutral state. Character is formed. Depending on your upbringing, level of intelligence, personality and instincts, you can become a person of poor, average, good or high character.

Right now as it stands, nobody in Nigeria is of a high character. Even the so called men and women of God or Imams are nowhere close. Those ones are barely managing to rise above abhorrent.

You think you are a good person because you are good all the time? 🤣 Dude, that's a textbook response to trauma. Nobody is good all the time. Even the best people are not good all the time.

Would you believe me when I say that I'm not even as good as I used to be? Until a couple of years ago, I was a better person than I am today, in terms of character. I wore my badge of integrity and honour like a lioness. But today? Mba. And ironically, I have shedded most of my internalized toxicity. As my behaviour improved, my character suffered.

"Everybody on this Facebook is so toxic. Nye nye nye."

News flash: even Zuckerboy is toxic. He gave you a free platform but monitors and dictates what you can or can't post. He owns every single information you have ever put on here and he reserves the right to sell them to companies and traders.

Your politicians are toxic.
Your parents are toxic.
Your friends are toxic.
Your lovers are toxic.
Your teachers are toxic.
The entire world is toxic.

Living in denial won't change it.

All of us join for this mess.

SYMPLY_TACHA IS NOT A NARCISSIST

For anybody to call Tacha a narcissist, then the person is a terrible judge of character.

Tacha is way too loud, straightforward, quick to react, poorly equipped with social skills to be a narcissist. Female narcissists usually have good social skills, love male attention, are mean to women and particularly nice to men, and love to suck up to authority.

Unlike a narcissist, the girl nor sabi cunny or manipulation. She doesn't engage in smear campaigns either. She only bitches about people who have offended her. All Tacha does is get angry, shout, say mean things while she's angry and cool off. She's like a pressure cooker: quick to heat up, and quick to cool off too.

If Tacha were a narcissist, she'd still be in that house.

Last year, I called Cee C a narcissist and a psychopath, not because she's quarrelsome, but because I noticed traits that are particular of people who suffer from those disorders:

1. She is callous. She doesn't apply emotional filter to what she says and how she says it.

2. She's controlling. If you are her friend, you have to like what she likes and dislike what she dislikes.

3. She seeks opinions and reacts negatively when that opinion does not match her thought.

4. She's slimy. Remember when she announced on national TV that Tobi and Alex had sex?

5. She's a pathological liar, and she seemed to sometimes forget her own lies.

But even then, my judgment was harsh, which is why I later retracted it.

Cee C does not possess the cold bloodedness and intelligence that is typical of psychopaths. And I doubt that she was born without empathy. She most likely lost it as a result of her spoilt upbringing. She definitely possessed narcissistic traits, but I was still wrong to have called her a narcissist. She's more like a spoilt brat who's very conscious of her surrounding.

Tacha on her part, totally lacks all the main characteristics of a narcissistic. She's toxic, no doubt, but she's not cunning, manipulative, or controlling. She doesn't gaslight either. What you see is exactly what you get. She did not come to the house wearing a fake persona. Right from the very minute she was introduced, she made it clear that she was in for whatever trouble you had in mind for her. She's a bragger, but that was part of her strategy to intimidate her opponents. Just like wrestlers do before a match. She went to that house knowing full well that Nigerians had a low opinion of her. She wanted to raise the bar. Remember how she was shamed by a woman who spotted her at the auditions and called her an Instagram prostitute? Remember how everybody thought that she was going to give the viewers first class porn? Her strategy was weak though because BB is not about being the loudest and putting on a bravado. It's all about social skills and fan servicing.

Two people understood that and that's why they are the strongest contestants in that house: Mike and Mercy. Mike is even stronger than Mercy. They both know that BB is a psychological game. You have to identify those housemates who are more likely to be fan favourites and try and get rid of them. How? By trying to push them to break rules and nominating them consistently.

Mike targetted Frodd and Tacha, while Mercy targeted Tacha. They are the cleverest people in that house. They are not smart, but they are extremely clever.

In a white country, both Mercy and Mike would have been evicted a long time ago. Oyibos sabi smell rubbish from afar. Go to HONY and see them dropping textbook psychology.

In Nigeria we are too clueless. We can't distinguish people like Tacha who are putting on a bravado from people like Mike and Mercy who are outright fake.

Like I said, Tacha's problems are not the type that cannot be resolved. There is definitely room for improvement. She's empathetic. She just can't control her emotions.

But you see Mike and Mercy? Tueh. They have zero empathy and have a lot of control. Mike, even more than Mercy. Unlike Mercy, Mike has never exposed himself. We had to be the ones to figure him out. That's how coded the man is.

I have high hopes for Tacha. More than I had for Cee C. She will grow into a wonderful person. Give her a couple of years.

This failure was necessary for her to face her personal challenges. She will be fine.

WOMEN BEAR THE BRUNT OF A HOMOPHOBIC SOCIETY

Decriminalizing homosexuality is an important step in the fight for gender equality.

When a gay man marries a straight woman, the woman ends up in a marriage where she is not love or wanted, but still has to perform all her wifely duties. The man can pretty much engage in homosexual extramarital affairs without any concern for the woman, as long as he keeps it on the down low. Meanwhile advisers will focus on the woman and blame his lack of interest and intimacy on her, urging her to pray, fast, dress attractive and become more submissive. As if a person can go lower than a doormat level.

When a gay woman marries a straight man, chances are that she will face abuse and rape in her marriage. Again, these are events that are considered normal and within the right of her husband. Why would a woman refuse to be intimate with her husband? A man who spent millions of naira to marry you?

I will always advocate for the decriminalization of homosexuality in Nigeria. It affects both men and women. However women suffer more daring consequences because of the patriarchy.

I do not wish for any straight woman to end up with a gay man or for any gay woman to end up with a straight man.

Gay men should be with gay men.
And gay women should be with gay women.

A less disastrous scenario would be for gay men and gay women to arrange to get married. I believe that they would protect each other's secret and make sure that none of them gets exposed to the cruelty of the society.

Homophobia is just another type of discrimination where women bear the harshest brunt.

Las las, na we dey carry last for everything.

WHEN THEY KEEP CALLING YOU A GOOD GIRL

"I like you. You are a good girl."

These words, as flattering as they sound are not a compliment. Instead they are a big red flag. They could indicate that you don't have an identity and are just existing to exist.

First of all, a person who uses the expression "good girl" is not interested in you as a person. Rather they are interested in your role as a female. It's all about what you can do for them and what they can get you to do.

In our society boy and girl describe functions more than they describe a simple attribute of a person: a young male human and a young female human.

In our society, if you are a boy, certain things are expected of you, and if you are a girl, some other things are expected of you.

The good girl tag is not one that indicates respect and admiration. On the contrary it expresses opportunism and condescension.

When people want to commend a man or woman of high character, they usually say, "He or she's a good person". Note: PERSON.

Even "He/she is a good man/woman" is not a compliment. Whoever uses that expression means that you are doing what you are supposed to do as a man and as a woman.

For a man it generally means that he provides. And for a woman it means that she serves and pleases.

So, don't hurt when people tell you that you are not a good girl. Don't hurt either when they tell you that you are a bad girl. They are just criticising your inability or refusal to adhere to societal standards that I personally consider to be nonsensical.

You should be more concerned when people say that you are not a good person. It means that indeed they are questioning your character.

And if it happens that several people tell you that you are not a good person, then it's time to sit down and do a self assessment.

👇🏽
1. Do I hurt people who have not done anything to hurt me?
2. Do I feel remorse when I hurt people, even when they have done something to hurt me?
3. Do I actively take part in social lynching, jungle justice, smear campaigns and unverified rumours?
4. Do I lie regularly to protect myself?
5. Do I regularly lie against friends and family for my personal interests?
6. Have I falsely accused someone of doing something which I knew they didn't do?
7. Do I brag about how good I am at hurting people and getting away with it?
8. Do I apologize when I'm wrong?
9. Do I mean it when I apologize?
10. Are my apologies followed by some form of amendments?
11. Would I do for my friends and family what they do or would do for me?
12. Am I grateful for the love and support that I receive?
13. Do I sometimes put my needs on hold to make other people happy?
14. Am I open to compromises and sacrifices?
15. Am I genuinely happy for the success of other people?
16. Do I contribute to making other people successful, even when the success does not benefit me?
17. Do I give before I receive?
18. Do I give even when I know I may never receive?
19. Am I capable of forgiveness?
20. Do I feel happy when something bad happens to someone I claim to have forgiven?
21. Do I offer help when I see someone going through a difficult situation?
22. Do I offer comfort to someone who is experiencing pain?
23. Am I indifferent to other people's suffering?
24. Do I show concern about what happens around me?
25. Do I feel affected when I see someone being mistreated, bullied and abused?

These are a few questions you can ask yourself to know if you are a good person. Of course, nobody is perfect. But if you miss 10 out of 25, I'd say that it's time to put in more efforts into being a good person.

Note that a "good girl" can actually have none of the qualities and all of the vices listed above, and she'd still be considered a good girl simply because she does what a girl is supposed to do: serve, please and obey.

And when that good girl grows up, she becomes a good woman.

MY REALITY IS A RACIST ONE

The average Nigerian woman's reality is not my reality.

My circumstances are more racially influenced than gender influenced. I will never experience most of the things that a woman my age in Nigeria experiences almost on a daily basis.

- I will never be age/slut/marriage shamed here in the UK
- I'll never be followed by a crowd hurling insults at me because my dress is too short.
- I'll never be stripped naked because I'm dressed "indecently.
- I'll never be denied a job because I'm married.
- I'll never be forced to stay at home from school because I cannot afford to buy sanitary pads.
- I'll never be denied a house because I'm not married.
- I'll never be called ashawo by a man just because he can.
- I'll never have to worry about submission and all that crap about stooping low to conquer.
- I'll never worry about in-laws, pastors and elders from the village.
- A divorce will never scare me.
- I'll never report a case of domestic violence only to be told that it's a family matter.
- I'll never be raped by my husband only to be told that he owns me because he paid my bride price.
- E.t.c..

But I still write about all these things. I write about them because the are the reality of most Nigerian women. And those women will raise girls inside that same reality.

It's not enough to give girls an education and a job, if they are still going to throw them away in the name of marriage. Empowerment is nothing without mental emancipation.

That your reality is not this reality does not mean that you should trivialize it. There is a reason why your ideas are not resonating with these women's minds. You are talking about feminism 100 years from now. The kind of feminism that abroadians practise in the West.

Nigerian women from poor and middle background experience a massive cultural shock when they travel abroad. They feel like they have travelled 100 years into the future.

They no longer have to struggle over those issues that hindered them massively back home.

Nobody cares about how they dress, talk, walk or where they go. And when they speak, people listen.

The police listen.
The court of law listens.
Their friends listen.

When they are not in their Nigerian circle, they even forget that they are women. They live like people.

But one thing we forget is that the west did not reach that level of eqality in one day. It took them more than 100 years. 100 years of women protesting, marching, getting jailed, beaten, raped and killed.

Nigeria is practically an infant as far as feminim is concerned, and yet you want to teach her how to drive already.

She can't crawl yet.
She can't talk yet.
She can't even stand yet.

Person wey still dey foam for want, you want make e dey drive car. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Anyway, wetin concern me. Carry on with your mature feminism.

I will carry on with my trivial, unimportant and irrelevant issues.

So as we were saying, how do we cure Nigerians of the saviour complex? 🤔

WHEN FEMINISTS STILL CATER TO MALE PRIVILEGE: FEMINISM LITE

The whole purpose of feminism lite is to make men happy.

Lite feminists cannot mention one single benefit women derive from feminism lite. The whole "compromising" is aimed at maintaining peace because when men are not happy they take it out on women.

But they forget that women do not become targets only when men are feeling negative emotions. They also become the prize when men are feeling euphoric.

How many women have been captured and kept as sex slaves by the victorious party after a battle?
How many African women were offered as sex slaves to guests by their masters during slavery?
Who do men hire to dance half naked for them the night before their wedding?

Lite feminists are women who still haven't been able to unlearn the teaching that says "Making men happy is women's responsibility".

Moreover there is the idea that maintaining peace is solely the woman's duty. Women have to make all the necessary efforts to mitigate a highly tensed situation. Unfortunately that is a mission nobody will ever succeed at.

The antelope can keep out of the lion's den all it wants, but one day the lion will still get bored or hungry and hunt the antelope down.

I want to be successful, but not too successful so that my husband will be happy.
I want to be assertive, but not too assertive so that my husband will be happy.
I want to be independent, but not too independent so that my husband will be happy.

Question: what compromises are these men making to make women happy?

IT'S NORMAL FOR A FEMINIST TO STRUGGLE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A PATRIARCHAL MAN

I agree that women who refuse to play the traditional gender roles assigned to females will struggle to make it work with a man who subscribes to traditional gender roles. That's a truth everybody knows.

I know that.
Feminists know that.
Those men know that.

"I'll give in to tradition, but only at home because I need to be in a couple."

The whole point of the movement is to demystify the whole idea that a woman needs to be part of a couple to be fulfilled.

Feminism is a test on how much you love yourself and on how you much you are ready to stick to your standards especially when you know that settling for less will force you to make sacrifices that you shouldn't be making.

The traditional woman per se is overrated. She has nothing and is nothing. Forget that rubbish about how she's the pillar of the house, how she's behind the success of her husband, and how she's there to offer him advice and counsel.

She's the pillar of the house because traditional men do not do their parts at home besides paying the bills - that is if they even do that.

Traditional men USE women to achieve success. She's not a vessel. She's a tool.

Traditional men do not give a crap about getting advice from women. Why would you take advice from someone whom you think is not as smart and emotionally/mentally equipped like you?

When a woman refuses traditional roles, she's challenging the men to step up.

"You have to have more than a penis and money to get with me."

And when a man refuses traditional roles, he does the same with women.

"You have to have more than a vagina and two hands to get with me."

If they can't step up, it's their loss.

However if marriage means more than your standards to you, fine, go for it. But stop trying to justify the whole thing. Or making women who have refused to settle look bad.

Because the only thing I get from this whole message is that men are sad that they can no longer be just men. Because being a person, a decent person, is too demanding.

And of course it had to be a black woman that says this crap because you know, "black women are too unruly and difficult, and I'm here to change prove that some of us are not like that".

Fuck off, Fantasia.

NIGERIAN WOMEN HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE, BESIDES THEIR MARRIAGES

After making a long list of the horrible things that their man is and has done, the average Nigerian woman will still end it with "But he's a good man. He takes care of my needs".

And these people think that I'll take them seriously and not ridicule their choices?

You are settling for the lowest among the lowest because of greed, and you want to be taken seriously?

We get it: you are poor. Nigerians are not broke. They are poor. Both men and women. However, men still have it better because of the inequalities between the two sexes.

Somehow in a country of extremely poor men and women, the men still get to have higher standards than women because they are N1k richer.

I can imagine what it means to be N1M richer, or N1B then. That means you are a godsend.

In the United States of America, the catch for a rich black man is a beautiful white woman, or just a famous white woman. But these white women are not willing to settle for an anyhow rich black man. They want the rich black man that does not come with baggage, i.e., plenty baby mamas, plenty children and legal dramas.

Rich black men with baggage can only afford to get those white women that white men do not want for they consider them to be trash, e.g., the Kardashians.

If Davido were an American celebrity, no white woman of respectable name would want to fuck with him. He'd be aiming for a white woman in the same league as the Kardashians.

Money talks in America, all right, but reputation talks louder.

The average Nigerian woman does not care much about her reputation, and that's because she has no reputation. These women have nothing that carries their name such as a brand, career or business. Because if they did they'd know what it means to be involved with problematic people.

Do you remember how Tiwa arranged an interview within a day of her ex husband's Instagram Fiasco?

Do you remember how Tonto had to make a two hour video to clear the situation with her ex husband?

Because these two women had too much to lose. Brands were attached to their names and their involvement with a messed up man would have cost them millions of naira in endorsements.

When I think about my future, I think about my name becoming a heavy weight. I think about brands wanting to be associated with me. That's why I have never tolerated any type of smear against my name. That's how much I value my name.

The man you are dating or married to is not your value. Your name is. Nevertheless this man can add to that value or diminish it. And as far as I'm concerned, men like Davido belong to the category of people who diminish a name's value.

The vision I have of myself is not that of a black woman of Nigerian nationality. The world might see me that way, but I don't. I think of myself as a person with ideas and talents. And because of that the quality of people that I associate with matters, especially the man I'm going to be introducing to the public as my partner.

Most Nigerian women haven't reached this level of self consideration and consciousness.

They still think of themselves as black women of Nigerian nationality, or worse of Igbo/Yoruba/Bini/Ijaw/Esan/etc., tribe. Some still reason about themselves in terms of their village or village people. The worst ones are the ones who are still stuck with their family compound.

Unless a trait or characteristic adds to your stake, you have no business factoring it in your equation.

It makes sense for men to factor being a man, as being a man comes with privileges. It makes sense for a white person to factor being white as being white comes with privileges.

But tell me what privileges come with being black, Nigerian, and coming from your village and family compound?

The world is already programmed to limit you. Why are you determined to limit yourself even further?

Chioma probably sees herself as that black woman of Nigerian nationality and Igbo tribe, member of the Rowland family, a family nobody knows. And Regina Daniel thinks the same of herself. And those women supporting their marriages also think the same of themselves.

How you see yourself will determine the standards of anything you do in this life. And right now, based on the opinion Nigerian women have of themselves, they are good for nothing, except making babies.

The average Nigerian woman is nothing but a breeding cow.

NIGERIAN WOMAN, YOU DON'T HAVE THE SAME PRIVILEGES AS MEN

When Nigerian men speak, they speak from a place of privilege and power. They will say and do anything to uphold their control and freedom to be and to do without being held accountable.

But the women who agree with them do not understand this. Those mugus believe that their motivations are the same as their male counterparts'. They are deluded enough to think that Nigerian men care about women and their right to make personal choices.

These are the same men that will chase you down the street and strip you naked because you CHOSE to wear a piece of clothing that they do deem indecent.

These are the same men that will slutshame you and call you a prostitute after you CHOSE to have sex (with them).

These are the same men who will overpower you and rape you because you CHOSE to be at a particular place, at a particular time.

These are the same men that will set you up and rape you because you CHOSE to not date them.

These are the same men that will beat you up mercilessly because you CHOSE to speak up for yourself.

These are the same men that blackmail you with your nudes and engage in revenge porn because you CHOSE to break up with them.

These are the same men that kill you because you CHOSE to live your life at your own terms and conditions.

Ask yourself, why do some of your choices attract violence, humiliation, rape, assault and even murder from men, while some others attract eulogies?

Why did they praise Chioma for CHOOSING to marry a man who currently has three children from three different women, but, just a couple of months ago, they castigated Regina for CHOOSING to marry a 59 year old man who already has 3 wives?

Why is Chioma virtuous, but Regina is a golddigger?

Could it be that these men know that they are all potential serial baby daddies, but are "never will be" billionaires?

Could it be that the conditions to get a Chioma are feasible, but the ones to get a Regina are unattainable?

Could it be that by supporting Regina they would admit that a man has to be a billionaire before he can land an attractive 22 year old Nollywood actress? How many Nigerian men will become billionaires in this life?

It makes sense that they will not support Regina. Just like they will not support a woman who CHOOSES to date or marry a man who earns above a certain income.

Even if Davido were poor, Nigerian men would still praise Chioma for choosing to marry him. Because Nigerian men are poor, and a poor man can still have three children with three different women, just like Davido.

And if Ned were poor they would have supported Regina was well. True love. That's what they would have called it.

But do you know who wouldn't support Davido if he were poor? Nigerian women. The same way they wouldn't have supported Ned if he were poor.

That right there is the difference. When Nigerian women speak, they do so from a place of poverty, subjugation and low self esteem.

Your reasons for agreeing with your men are OPPOSITE to theirs. The men are protecting their own interests. And you too are doing the same. Nobody is protecting women's rights because both men and women are busy protecting men's.

Come out again and say that you cannot date a man who earns N50K and watch how Nigerian men will respect your CHOICE.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

And to conclude, I stand by what I wrote yesterday. Any man or woman who has more than two kids, and at least three of those kids have different parents, must have his or her emotional and mental wellbeing checked.

What are they looking for? Why do they think a child is the answer?

My heart goes out to those siblings who have only one parent in common. If they tell you their story, you will understand why some people are not fit to be parents.

Oh, and if polygamy is natural, why do men frown at a woman's CHOICE to date/marry more than one man?

🤣🤣🤣🤣

If I hear you shout choice again, eh? Do you think that you have a choice in a society where you don't have any choice?

Maybe na God o. I heard that with him, nothing is impossible sha.

CHIVIDO ARE NOT MY IDEA OF A COUPLE

Anytime a serial baby daddy gets engaged or married, motivational posts will start flying upandan.

What a lucky woman. She managed to set him straight.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Let me tell you something. A man who goes about having children with different women is mad. A woman who decides to marry that kind of man is madder.

There is nothing inspirational about the situation. On the one hand you have a self centred motherfucker and on the other hand you have a woman whose self esteem is low, shadows pass on top of it.

Fuck Tuface and Annie.

Even after they got married, Tuface still cheated on Annie and had another baby with one of his baby mamas. And to date the man is still cheating.

Davido cheated on Chioma several times during their relationship. Rumours have it that he even fathered another child while they were together. A child that he has refused to recognize.

What is enviable about them?

Besides didn't Annie and Chioma become mothers before the ring appeared?

Please, let's give these people the disrespect they deserve.

Tuface and Davido will never be my ideal of a man. And may my uterus fall off if I ever think of Annie and Chioma as two extraordinary women. If anything, their decision to "fight" for those kinds of men show how ordinary, unintelligent and insane they are.

They want the wife title abi?
They want to be the one in the husband's house abi?
They want to be the one to be posting family pictures abi?

They will have all of it.

They will also have scares whenever the man leaves the house.
They will also have scares when the man visits any of his children in their mother's house.

Or was it not Annie that tried all her best to cut off the other kids so that they wouldn't see their father? Did you think the kids were her real problem? 🤣🤣🤣

Mscheeew.

Just imagine. So now Chioma and Annie should become my point of contact.

"God, like you made the Chioma to Davido and the Annie to Tuface, make me the Lady to "I'm probably a walking STD with plenty children".

God forbid bad thing.

THE CREATION OF THE FOUR GIRLS OF TOXICITY

Good girl. Poser. Bad girl. Lost girl.

All four are the result of a toxic upbringing or a particularly traumatic event which altered their original identities or completely erased them.

But what determines the kind of girl you will become?

Why don't we all become good girls or bad girls or lost girls?

The reason why girls react differently to toxicity or trauma is because like I said, as babies, we are not the same and we are not born empty.

Babies possess instinct, a personality and intelligence. Yes, some babies are smarter than others. Even though intelligence is an aspect that we can improve with time, just like our personalities, you can pretty much tell those babies who are particularly smart for their age.

In terms of personalities, there are many different types of personality traits, and, because, I can't afford to analyze them one by one, I'll simplify the this aspect by dividing girls into three groups: extroverts, introverts, ambiverts.

Extroverts are people who love to relate with other people. They are easy and out going. They seek social contact without which they'd be gloomy and blue.

Introverts are people who love to be in solitude. They are not fond of social gatherings and tend to isolate themselves when they are in a crowd. They function better in private and intimate settings.

Ambiverts are people who function well both in social gatherings and in private. They can go for weeks or months without having the need to interact with people. And when they are with other people, they are fun and sociable.

Now, let's talk about intelligence. Again, because there are many types of intelligence, I can't deal with all of them. So I'll go for the one that deals with the ability to observe, collect and elaborate data. And I'll divide it into three groups: low intelligence, average intelligence and high intelligence.

Now let's combine our three personalities with the three types of intelligence.

Extrovert and low intelligence.
Extrovert and average intelligence.
Extrovert and high intelligence.

Introvert and low intelligence.
Introvert and average intelligence.
Introvert and high intelligence.

Ambivert and low intelligence.
Ambivert and average intelligence.
Ambivert and high intelligence.

Who are more likely to become good girls?
Extrovert with low intelligence.
Introverts with low intelligence.
Introverts with average intelligence.
Ambiverts with low intelligence.

Who are more likely to become posers?
Introverts with high intelligence.
Extroverts with average intelligence.
Ambiverts with average intelligence.

Who are more likely to become bad girls?
Extroverts with high intelligence.
Ambiverts with high intelligence.

Who are more likely to become lost girls?
Pretty much anybody.

Note 1. Introverts with average intelligence.
They are more likely to become good girls, but not because they are not capable of understanding their toxic surrounding, but because their personality allows them to accommodate toxicity.

Note 2. Introverts with high intelligence.
This group is extremely dangerous. This group is where you will find people with anti-social personality disorders (sociopath/psychopath) posing as good girls. Even though science says that there are more male anti-social than female anti-socials, female sociopaths still exist. And they are dangerous because they appear to be totally harmless, which can give them the confidence that they will get away with doing terrible things.

Note 3. Extroverts/Ambiverts with high intelligence.
Another group at risk of developing an anti-social personality disorder. Since they are so intelligent, and they can figure people and their surroundings out, they are more likely to attain positions of power or fame. However, they might never engage in anti-social behaviours since they have too much to lose.

Note 4. Extroverts with average intelligence.
These girls are more like to be the narcissists. One particularity about narcissists is that their opinion about themselves do not match reality. Narcissists are not smarter, cuter, richer or generally better than anybody else. They just believe that they are. They are usually average people who desire to be more and end up convincing themselves that they are more.

Note 5. Anybody can become a lost girl.
This loss might be a one time thing, last for a period of time or carry on forever, but we all can lose ourserves and embrace hurt as our new identity.

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The society's intention is to raise good girls, but unfortunately, only few girls will become good girls. The majority of girls will become posers, followed by lost girls, bad girls and at last good girls.

Believe it or not, but good girls are in the minority. And that's because people of average intelligence constitute the majority of the world population, while introverts make less than half of the population.

This means that in Nigeria, you are more likely to meet a poser than an actual good girl. Which makes sense. Many women make excellent wives but are horrible mothers and friends. How would you explain that otherwise?

The world is full of deceit, so always look before you leap.

TEST: WHAT GIRL ARE YOU?

1. Peace
A. To be maintained at all costs.
B. If it makes me look good.
C. Sometimes it's to be tossed aside.
D. What is peace?

2. Authority.
A. Deserves absolute respect.
B. If it serves my purpose.
C. To be questioned.
D. I'm the only authority.

3. Religion.
A. Fundamental.
B. If it makes me look good.
C. A choice.
D. God doesn't care.

4. Men.
A. Essential.
B. Useful.
C. They exist.


5. Marriage.
A. Necessary.
B. Useful.
C. A choice.


6. Motherhood
A. A woman's purpose.
B. A burden.
C. A choice.


7. Love
A. As long as they care.
B. Necessary and useful.
C. Fundamental.
D. I don't understand it.

8. Money
A. Happiness is more important.
B. Essential.
C. Important.
D. I don't care.

9. Knowledge.
A. Ignorance is bliss.
B. Only the useful.
C. It's the source of life.
D. A powerful weapon.

10. Truth
A. Truth hurts.
B. My truth.
C. A heavy but necessary burden.
D. Irrelevant.

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A: 1 points.
B: 2 points.
C: 3 points.
D: 4 points.

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Results

10-15: good girl.

You are not confrontational and you are extremely submissive. You live to please the people in charge and would often put your own interests aside just to fulfil that purpose.

To you being married and having kids is the ultimate achievement in life. And you will do anything to achieve that and maintain it.

16-25: poser

You are a poser. You are not a good girl but you love the perks that come with being a good girl. So while you maintain the facade of the good girl in public, you live a bad girl life behind closed doors.

You may not sincerely care for marriage or kids but you understand that society respect wives and kids, so you go for it.

26-35: bad girl

You are not afraid to be confrontational and you challenge authority when the need arises. Your idea of good and bad are not subject to the dictate to the society or religion but are based on personal and collective benefits.

Your desires are real and so are your efforts to get what you want. If you decide to get married or have kids, you will be doing it because you want it and not because you want to please anybody.

You are independent and not afraid to show it.


Over 35: lost girl

You don't care about anybody. You may not even care about yourself. You look at the world and you don't see any beauty or joy. You hate seeing happy people and are incapable of pursuing happiness.

You might have experimented with drugs and alcohol just to try and evade your reality. And you might hurt others just to feel alive or to at least try and feel something.

You are obsessed with control and power and often resort to violence, manipulation and coercion just to achieve it.

You are a bleeding heart. You are pain personified.

BOYS

Boys are not good or bad in our society. They are just boys. Boys are not rated based on their behaviours. Instead they are rated on their social skills - quiet boys versus sociable boys. Because a boy who has many friends is more likely to find opportunities to make money than a quiet boy. And money is the only thing a boy has to have to transition into a man.

Grow up, make money and you become a man.

I'm sure that as boys some men were berated for being too quiet. Because quiet boys do not make impact. And as they grew older this quietness became associated with weakness or meekness, depending on the person's opinion.

A strong or real or just a man is a man who fully embraces all the privileges that a society has to offer him. Or at least he embraces them in good part.

A weak or meek man is a man who doesn't embrace these privileges in good part. Becsuse I doubt that there is any man who's not conscious that as a man, he can get many things and get away with many others.

Based on this distinction, it makes sense that the ideal man in our society is egotistic, self serving and emotionally unavailable.

However, we can't conclude, based on these premises, that these men are bad people. These men are aware though that they could be bad people and nothing would happen.

So, if a man is allowed to be a bad person without suffering consequences, why do we still have posers among men? Why are there men who want people to believe that they are weak/meek when in reality they are strong?

Because posers enjoy the art of manipulation.

Is there a difference between a male poser and a female poser?

There is none in the way they treat people or in the way they view themselves. They both seek to appear as the least harmful person around. Female posers want to be seen as good girls. Male posers want to be seen as meek men.

We wrote that female posers are in reality bad girls or lost girls and we also wrote that a boy cannot be objectively bad. However, can a boy be a lost boy?

Definitely. But then, that is the default upbringing of a boy in our society. A strong/real/man man is a lost boy.

If so, why do Nigerians act shock when men engage in anti-social behaviours if men are raised to be the kind of people who engage in anti-social behaviours?

We could call it ignorance or cognitive dissonance.

I believe that one thing that an observant Nigerian will notice is how we do not think much of the consequences of our actions. We are more interested in the immediate effects and results than the long term impacts our behaviours have on other people and surroundings.

A child does something. Instead of correcting him or her, we resort to beating and abuse. Then we act surprised when that child does that same thing again or beats up another child for doing something that he or she didn't like.

"How did it happen? I didn't raise my child to be like this."

Well, you did.

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Believe it or not, but I dated a couple of posers. I don't like the prototype of man that Nigeria proposes as the ideal. I don't like men who flaunt their privileges to my face. So, I always go for the quiet/meek men.

I was lucky with my first boyfriend. I was lucky with the boyfriend after him. Then I got unlucky and started meeting posers. The last guy I dated in Italy is a poser.

My last boyfriend is a poser.

Are some male posers also narcissists, like some female posers?

While the number of narcissists among female posers could be limited to some but not a majority of them, the average male poser is a narcissist.

FUN FACT: male posers are attracted to bad girls. And it makes sense, since they are narcissists who prey on outspoken, successful and unconventional women so that they can break them and turn them into hollow entities, aka good girls.

ANOTHER FUN FACT: Male posers do not like good girls, which is why, as soon as they manage to break a bad girl into a good girl, they discard her and move on to another bad girl.

LOST GIRLS

If you are not a good girl, then you are a bad girl, and if you are a bad girl, then you could be lost.

(Note that the society does not care about this categorisation. It only cares about what it sees. Girls who behave well, and girls who don't. I'm the one going the extra mile to make a case for the different types of girls.)

Before we start, let us understand the psychological process that leads to the creation of "any" girl.

When people are exposed to toxicity or experience a traumatic event, they experience a split in their identity. There is the person they were before the trauma and the person they are after the trauma.

Identity is not to be confused with personality. And I'll explain why.

I read an article a while ago that said that people who speak multiple languages exhibit different personalities when they speak those languages. However their character remains the same.

This means that a person can have different personalities while having one sole identity.

As a matter of fact, the disorder commonly known as multiple personalities disorder is not really about personalities, instead it's about identities. A person affected by this disorder have multiple identities. Each identity has their personalities and their own unique character. Each identity also has their own unique name.

This is not to be confused with having an alter ego. An alter ego is an identity that a person chooses to create. People who suffer from MPD no not choose to split. They simply experience this split.

Back to our topic, what happens to a person's identity after they have been exposed to trauma? Like we said, there is a split. And the person will find themselves oscillating between these two identities for a period of time.

Most people who experience a traumatic event will oscillate between these two identities for the rest of their lives.

But the rest will lose their former identity completely.

Good girls belong to this group of people who have lost their original identity. And so do lost girls.

There is this general misconception that human beings are born empty. But that's not true. Human beings are born with basic instincts and personality traits. That's why babies can recognise their mum's smell, find the nipple to suck on and cry for attention.

Also babies can be quiet, cheerful, needy, clingy, sociable or unsociable. This proves that new born babies already possess a basic identity which needs the help of their parents or guardians to develop into a healthy adult identity.

However a toxic upbringing can damage this identity by splitting it or by completely erasing it.

Good girls are caught in a sort of limbo. They never got to fully transition into a new identity. Lost girls however have.

A particularity about lost girls is that they are very active, but in a negative way.

Our society does not make any distinction between bad girls and lost girls. Every girl that is not good is bad. But that sort of reasoning is not just reductive but also dangerous.

All you have to do to become a bad girl is to challenge the society and behave in a way that moral judges do not deem "good" for a girl. Yes, because morality is different for boys and for girls.

Feminists are bad girls.
Prostitutes are bad girls.
Cultists are bad girls.
Girls who have sex before marriage are bad girls.
Girls who don't go to church are bad girls.
Girls who don't obey their parents are bad girls.

In essence you are a bad girl, even when you are not even hurting anybody. Nobody cares about the reasons behind your "badness". Our society is dogmatic. Your reasons for not adhering to the standard of behaviour are irrelevant.

Why do I want to categorise bad girls? Because, just like we have posers among good girls, we also have lost girls among the bad girls.

Lost girls are girls who lost their original identity and transitioned fully into their new identity. And this new identity has one sole purpose: to spread the same hurt that they carry inside to other people.

Cultists are lost girls.
Abusive women are lost girls.
Paedophiles are lost girls.
Thieves are lost girls.

They speak hurt and pain because hurt and pain are the only languages that they know.

I call them lost girls because traces of their original identity are so weak that the normal "show her love" will not work. It usually takes the intervention of a professional to recover what they have lost. And it is not said that the professional will succeed.

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What's the difference between posers and lost girls?

A poser can be a lost girl who wants to enjoy the benefits of a good girl. A poser can also be a bad girl who is afraid of being judged even though they are not doing anything bad.

Eg: I don't want people to know I'm having sex, so I lie that I'm a virgin.

So posers are not necessarily bad people who hurt other people. Lost girls are bad people who hurt other people.

There are lost girls who don't care for pretence. They show themselves for who they are. In psychological terma, we'd call anti-socials because they engage in behaviours that are particularly harmful to other people and the community.

Lost girls who pose as good girls are what we'd describe as narcissists. And they are so good at posing as good girls, that they are ones actually getting married, having children and perpetuating the chain of abuse.