Emotional blackmail is a process in which a person or a group of people make use of fear, obligation and guilt to convince somebody to something that they do not want to do; and in most cases what that person is being asked to do is not beneficial to them.
I could write an essay on emotional blackmail and explain in details what it entails, how to recognise it and how to escape it; instead, I will use practical examples to better illustrate this modus operandi, as to give you readers a sense of familiarity with a situation that involves the use of emotional blackmail.
I always take it for granted that most of my readers are Nigerians or Africans, or at least align with that culture, which is why I always refer to it when I am writing. I know some of you will disagree that there is something such as Nigerian culture because there are over 250 ethnic groups in the country, but I will counter argue that even though these cultures manifest in different ways, at the end of the day, they all have the same objective: to impose the hegemony of a particular group and the subservience of another.
In Nigeria, irrespective of the place, the ethnicity and the language, the community always matters more than the individual and the hierarchy dictates that those that rank high must have their desires met first, irrespective of what it may cost those that rank lower.
In the family setting, parents rank higher than children, husbands rank higher than wives, fathers rank higher than mothers, older siblings rank higher than younger siblings and male children rank higher than female children.
Doing your parents’ bidding:
As a person, the first people you will ever relate with are your parents and your parents know that, no matter what the culture says, you are going to have your own way of doing things and that you will want to do things that way. Anybody who grew up in Nigeria is accustomed to the use of violence to subdue children. However a time will come when the child will become too old for his or her parents to beat. What will they do then?
They will simply try to emotionally blackmail them.
“If you don’t do as I say, you will no longer be my child.”
“A child who does not obey his or her parents will not live long.”
I was told this one: “No man will ever respect a woman who doesn’t get along with her parents.”
Permit me to laugh and to say that they are all a pile of garbage.
First of all, parenting is not a favour that a parent does for the child. Parenting is a responsibility. If a parent no longer wants to take responsibility for their child, then they are the ones falling short of their duties, and not the child.
When parents use this line, they are hoping that you will feel a sense of hopelessness and helplessness at the thought that they will no longer be there to take care of you, like they have been doing your entire life.
But ask yourself: “Are my parents supposed to take care of me for the rest of my life?” Of course they aren’t and that’s why that emotional blackmail does not hold as much power as you or your parents think it does.
Also, what correlation exists between obeying your parents and living a long life? Are they trying to say that every person who marked their centenary birthday always did what their parents said or that those who didn’t mark it did not do what their parents said? This particular line is taken from the Bible, but that Bible also says: “Parents, do not piss your children off.” So, here we go.
That last example, which I was told by a family friend, is stupid. Yes, that man is stupid. First of all, how much respect a woman deserves is not at the discretion of any man, no matter who he is. Second of all, a woman must not be attached to a figure of authority to be respected as a person. Women are people and they should be respected as people. Now the third thing is this: any man who does not admire your courage to cut off toxic parents and who insists that you must bring them into your life back as a condition for him to marry you, is an idiot and you should know that he too is a toxic person. Toxic people or people who are still victim of toxicity, will always support other toxic people. Run away from such man.
2. Doing your friends’ bidding.
As you grow older, you will start to form relationships with people outside your nuclear family. You will meet some of them in your neighbourhood, some in your church and most frequently some in your school. Schools are where you will be spending most of your time until you are done with your studies.
I believe a lot of you have heard of cliques and peer pressure. Cliques operate through peer pressure: “If you want to be part of our group, then you need to do what we say”.
According to a study, your friends wield more influence on you than your parents and that’s becaus,e during your most important formative years, you will interact more with your friends than you will with your parents. If you are not a naturally assertive person or your upbringing didn’t help much in developing this essential part of your character, you might find yourself doing things that you do not want to do, things that are bad for you, just because you want to belong.
Teenagers and young adults often go deep into cliques before they realize how bad they are. Sometimes, by the time they open their eyes to the reality surrounding them, it is too late to get out. The worst cases are gangs, where teenagers are pressured into committing crimes and violence against people and their community. But there are still less severe cases which involve bullying and the use of drugs.
The desire to belong can breed the desperation to be accepted. Cliques prey on vulnerable people for that reason. Also, the emotional blackmailing is constant throughout your association with them and even after you have parted ways with them.
They are easy to join but extremely hard to leave. There are cliques that you do not leave alive.
How do you break away from a clique?
Sometimes you can do it on your own, other times you need to call for help: you might be ready to leave them, but they might not be ready to let you go.
Call on your parents, your childhood friends, your spiritual guide or anybody who genuinely loves you and cares about you. Because, trust me, your clique doesn’t.
3. Doing your lover’s bidding
This is perhaps the toughest type of emotional blackmail to recognize and to stop. How can you tell that your actions are not the result of your feelings towards a person, rather the result of a subtle coercion?
But ask yourself these questions:
Do I always do what my lover wants me to do?
Do we always end up doing what my lover wants us to do even though I wanted to do something else?
Does my lover ignore me or refuse to speak to me when I refuse to do something that he or she wants me to do?
Does my lover constantly threaten to break up with me?
Does my lover complain about the time I spend with my friends and family?
Do they threaten to harm you or themselves if you break up with them?
In some cases you might be done for, but your ex is not ready to give up. They threaten to kill themselves or to kill you if you don’t get back together. If they threaten to kill themselves, let them do it. Most of the time, they do not have the guts. If they do kill themselves, congratulations, you are now free. The ones that threaten to kill you, are the ones that you should worry about. Those ones are the real psychos. Call the police.
Break-ups are tough. I have suffered three major break-ups in my life and each time I thought that I would die. And I happen to be a very autonomous person. I can take care of myself and I have always been in charge of my decisions, yet these break-ups left me shattered for days or even weeks. So, I can imagine what breaking up would mean for a person that is used to being told what to do all the time. It’s like learning how to walk again.
There is no magic pill that you can take to mend a broken heart and during the first weeks, you will be tempted to call your ex and ask them to get back together. Someone who was a victim of emotional blackmail may be mentally conditioned to believe that without their ex that they can leave. The best thing you can do for your hurting heart is to distract yourself with a lot of self improving projects. If you can also go and spend some time with a friend or your family, do so. You need to surround yourself with genuine love. A love that doesn’t take advantage of your vulnerable state of mind to make you do things that you don’t want to do.
4. Doing the society’s bidding.
In Nigeria there is a higher authority people appeal to when every other type of blackmail has failed and that is the society.
The emotional blackmail always comes in the form of a question: “What would people say?”
What would people say if they know that you are not in talking terms with your parents?
What would people say if they know that you are no longer with your husband or wife?
In our society two relationships matter: parent-child and marriage because these are the two pillars of the society. You get married to have children who then grow up, get married and have children, and so on and so forth.
The society is practically people: just people, but you are made to think that these people matter more than you and that they have a say in how you should live your life. That’s a lie.
First thing first: you are also part of the society.
Should your neighbour, colleague or classmate do your bidding just because you live in the same society?
The question sounds stupid, right? Yes, because it is.
The society is a construct, an abstract figure. It doesn’t have a form of its own, so it operates through people. People do things. People say things. People do and say things based on what they think. Therefore people’s thoughts hold the ultimate power to their decisions. Since the society is made up of people, then the society doesn’t make you: people make you. People make and shape you based on how they have been made and shaped by other people, and they do it as a tradition, not out of consideration.
In essence, as a person you can also make and shape yourself. You can decide that you do not give a fuck about what people would say and the world would not come to an end: the world does not give a fuck about you. You are not important enough for people to spend the rest of their lives thinking or talking about decisions that you made, but do not affect them.
Emotional blackmail is cheap. Emotional blackmail doesn’t care about your happiness or well being. Emotional blackmail is a tool that serves the person blackmailing you.
“You have to be foolish to be wise.”
“Stoop low to conquer.”
“A wise woman builds her home, a foolish woman destroys it.”
Don’t be afraid to say no to emotional blackmail. The worst that can happen is for your blackmailers to tag you “wicked, selfish, heartless, disobedient, unsubmissive, etc”.
If I were you, I would take them as a compliment.
I could write an essay on emotional blackmail and explain in details what it entails, how to recognise it and how to escape it; instead, I will use practical examples to better illustrate this modus operandi, as to give you readers a sense of familiarity with a situation that involves the use of emotional blackmail.
I always take it for granted that most of my readers are Nigerians or Africans, or at least align with that culture, which is why I always refer to it when I am writing. I know some of you will disagree that there is something such as Nigerian culture because there are over 250 ethnic groups in the country, but I will counter argue that even though these cultures manifest in different ways, at the end of the day, they all have the same objective: to impose the hegemony of a particular group and the subservience of another.
In Nigeria, irrespective of the place, the ethnicity and the language, the community always matters more than the individual and the hierarchy dictates that those that rank high must have their desires met first, irrespective of what it may cost those that rank lower.
In the family setting, parents rank higher than children, husbands rank higher than wives, fathers rank higher than mothers, older siblings rank higher than younger siblings and male children rank higher than female children.
Doing your parents’ bidding:
As a person, the first people you will ever relate with are your parents and your parents know that, no matter what the culture says, you are going to have your own way of doing things and that you will want to do things that way. Anybody who grew up in Nigeria is accustomed to the use of violence to subdue children. However a time will come when the child will become too old for his or her parents to beat. What will they do then?
They will simply try to emotionally blackmail them.
“If you don’t do as I say, you will no longer be my child.”
“A child who does not obey his or her parents will not live long.”
I was told this one: “No man will ever respect a woman who doesn’t get along with her parents.”
Permit me to laugh and to say that they are all a pile of garbage.
First of all, parenting is not a favour that a parent does for the child. Parenting is a responsibility. If a parent no longer wants to take responsibility for their child, then they are the ones falling short of their duties, and not the child.
When parents use this line, they are hoping that you will feel a sense of hopelessness and helplessness at the thought that they will no longer be there to take care of you, like they have been doing your entire life.
But ask yourself: “Are my parents supposed to take care of me for the rest of my life?” Of course they aren’t and that’s why that emotional blackmail does not hold as much power as you or your parents think it does.
Also, what correlation exists between obeying your parents and living a long life? Are they trying to say that every person who marked their centenary birthday always did what their parents said or that those who didn’t mark it did not do what their parents said? This particular line is taken from the Bible, but that Bible also says: “Parents, do not piss your children off.” So, here we go.
That last example, which I was told by a family friend, is stupid. Yes, that man is stupid. First of all, how much respect a woman deserves is not at the discretion of any man, no matter who he is. Second of all, a woman must not be attached to a figure of authority to be respected as a person. Women are people and they should be respected as people. Now the third thing is this: any man who does not admire your courage to cut off toxic parents and who insists that you must bring them into your life back as a condition for him to marry you, is an idiot and you should know that he too is a toxic person. Toxic people or people who are still victim of toxicity, will always support other toxic people. Run away from such man.
2. Doing your friends’ bidding.
As you grow older, you will start to form relationships with people outside your nuclear family. You will meet some of them in your neighbourhood, some in your church and most frequently some in your school. Schools are where you will be spending most of your time until you are done with your studies.
I believe a lot of you have heard of cliques and peer pressure. Cliques operate through peer pressure: “If you want to be part of our group, then you need to do what we say”.
According to a study, your friends wield more influence on you than your parents and that’s becaus,e during your most important formative years, you will interact more with your friends than you will with your parents. If you are not a naturally assertive person or your upbringing didn’t help much in developing this essential part of your character, you might find yourself doing things that you do not want to do, things that are bad for you, just because you want to belong.
Teenagers and young adults often go deep into cliques before they realize how bad they are. Sometimes, by the time they open their eyes to the reality surrounding them, it is too late to get out. The worst cases are gangs, where teenagers are pressured into committing crimes and violence against people and their community. But there are still less severe cases which involve bullying and the use of drugs.
The desire to belong can breed the desperation to be accepted. Cliques prey on vulnerable people for that reason. Also, the emotional blackmailing is constant throughout your association with them and even after you have parted ways with them.
They are easy to join but extremely hard to leave. There are cliques that you do not leave alive.
How do you break away from a clique?
Sometimes you can do it on your own, other times you need to call for help: you might be ready to leave them, but they might not be ready to let you go.
Call on your parents, your childhood friends, your spiritual guide or anybody who genuinely loves you and cares about you. Because, trust me, your clique doesn’t.
3. Doing your lover’s bidding
This is perhaps the toughest type of emotional blackmail to recognize and to stop. How can you tell that your actions are not the result of your feelings towards a person, rather the result of a subtle coercion?
But ask yourself these questions:
Do I always do what my lover wants me to do?
Do we always end up doing what my lover wants us to do even though I wanted to do something else?
Does my lover ignore me or refuse to speak to me when I refuse to do something that he or she wants me to do?
Does my lover constantly threaten to break up with me?
Does my lover complain about the time I spend with my friends and family?
Do they threaten to harm you or themselves if you break up with them?
In some cases you might be done for, but your ex is not ready to give up. They threaten to kill themselves or to kill you if you don’t get back together. If they threaten to kill themselves, let them do it. Most of the time, they do not have the guts. If they do kill themselves, congratulations, you are now free. The ones that threaten to kill you, are the ones that you should worry about. Those ones are the real psychos. Call the police.
Break-ups are tough. I have suffered three major break-ups in my life and each time I thought that I would die. And I happen to be a very autonomous person. I can take care of myself and I have always been in charge of my decisions, yet these break-ups left me shattered for days or even weeks. So, I can imagine what breaking up would mean for a person that is used to being told what to do all the time. It’s like learning how to walk again.
There is no magic pill that you can take to mend a broken heart and during the first weeks, you will be tempted to call your ex and ask them to get back together. Someone who was a victim of emotional blackmail may be mentally conditioned to believe that without their ex that they can leave. The best thing you can do for your hurting heart is to distract yourself with a lot of self improving projects. If you can also go and spend some time with a friend or your family, do so. You need to surround yourself with genuine love. A love that doesn’t take advantage of your vulnerable state of mind to make you do things that you don’t want to do.
4. Doing the society’s bidding.
In Nigeria there is a higher authority people appeal to when every other type of blackmail has failed and that is the society.
The emotional blackmail always comes in the form of a question: “What would people say?”
What would people say if they know that you are not in talking terms with your parents?
What would people say if they know that you are no longer with your husband or wife?
In our society two relationships matter: parent-child and marriage because these are the two pillars of the society. You get married to have children who then grow up, get married and have children, and so on and so forth.
The society is practically people: just people, but you are made to think that these people matter more than you and that they have a say in how you should live your life. That’s a lie.
First thing first: you are also part of the society.
Should your neighbour, colleague or classmate do your bidding just because you live in the same society?
The question sounds stupid, right? Yes, because it is.
The society is a construct, an abstract figure. It doesn’t have a form of its own, so it operates through people. People do things. People say things. People do and say things based on what they think. Therefore people’s thoughts hold the ultimate power to their decisions. Since the society is made up of people, then the society doesn’t make you: people make you. People make and shape you based on how they have been made and shaped by other people, and they do it as a tradition, not out of consideration.
In essence, as a person you can also make and shape yourself. You can decide that you do not give a fuck about what people would say and the world would not come to an end: the world does not give a fuck about you. You are not important enough for people to spend the rest of their lives thinking or talking about decisions that you made, but do not affect them.
Emotional blackmail is cheap. Emotional blackmail doesn’t care about your happiness or well being. Emotional blackmail is a tool that serves the person blackmailing you.
“You have to be foolish to be wise.”
“Stoop low to conquer.”
“A wise woman builds her home, a foolish woman destroys it.”
Don’t be afraid to say no to emotional blackmail. The worst that can happen is for your blackmailers to tag you “wicked, selfish, heartless, disobedient, unsubmissive, etc”.
If I were you, I would take them as a compliment.
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