THE CULTURE OF FORGIVENESS

Forgive (to): to stop feeling angry with somebody who has done something to harm, annoy or upset you.

Forgiveness: the act of forgiving somebody, willingness to forgive somebody.

(Oxford Advanced Learner’s Dictionary)

That is really a noble trait. Forgiveness gives us peace of mind. Annoyance alters our mood, takes control over our emotions, clouds our sense of judgement and distracts us from important issues; so the moment we let go of all negativity, we feel this sense of freedom, of lightness and liveliness. That’s how it’s supposed to be when we forgive someone.

Nevertheless, sometimes we feel empty even after we have forgiven. Why is it so? Despite saying “It’s OK! There is no problem”, we are still overwhelmed with bitterness and annoyance, as though those words have been forced out of us, yet we said them spontaneously. If we feel this way, even after pronouncing those words, then maybe we haven’t really forgiven that person, because we don’t want to forgive that person. That sort of attitude is not tolerated in our Nigerian setting. We are taught right from time to let go of any grudge and malice we may come to grow against someone, during the journey of our lives. So many negative terms are attached to somebody who obstinately refuses to settle matters with their offender(s): coldhearted, stonehearted, heartless, wicked, cruel, inhuman, selfish, etc... Some even go as far as finding supernatural explanations for our unwillingness to forgive: witch, wizard, possessed, demonic, satanic and even Devil’s incarnate. Laughable, isn’t it?

So, why do we sometimes refuse to forgive someone?

1. They might have done something very terrible.

Some actions can’t easily be condoned: actions that cause irremediable damages to the offended and maybe extend these damages to their family or friends. When the consequences of these actions are drastic changes in the lives of the people involved, we might find it very difficult to forgive. From a pleasant situation, suddenly we are befallen by problems from every corner. It’s as though one single thing done by a person has, somehow, ignited a series of calamities. It becomes a chain of sorrow and despair; going from one problem to the other. We find a solution to one, and immediately after, we have to start looking for a solution to the one that comes after.

It is said that in this case, the first step is to forgive the person who has offended us and from there, start from scratch to build our life again. We know that is easier said than done. Since the bruises are so in-deep and invisible to external eyes, those invitations to forgive sound really superficial, selfish and incomprehensive. Were they in our shoes, would they preach forgiveness with so much shallowness? This is indeed a sensitive case. True no one can see the scars in our hearts. No one knows how many nights we have spent in our bed, tossing and turning, even crying our hearts out; and, it may surprise you, it’s good that they don’t. Why do I say so? For a simple reason: if they did, they wouldn’t be able to dash out their superficial words of encouragement (as if those could ease the pain at once and make everything cool again), without feeling the same heaviness that bothers our minds.

Whether we like it or not, those ignorant people, who suddenly find themselves being comforters in a disastrous situation, are in their own way of help. When we suffer a great offence and we are hit by a storm of negativity, it’s very important for it to be balanced with a sane positivity. In that moment, we may not want to hear about how the world is a beautiful place and about how life is one and only, therefore we must let go of all our negative sentiments to enjoy it to the fullest; but we need it. We need to know that there isn’t only darkness around us, that if we move away from that place we’ve decided to imprison ourselves, we’ll find light. These superficial people help us to make those steps that we wouldn’t make on our own, because we’d be lost in our sorrow, pain and despair. Even with all the irritation that comes with listening to their gibberish, we still owe them a “thank you”.

Now back to the offender: should the relationship we have/had with them influence our decision to forgive them? To a point, it does, but it shouldn’t become a determinant factor.

It’s unarguable that harm caused by people close to us, hurts more than that caused by a stranger. But when it comes to moving forward, we shouldn’t focus on the pre-existent relationship between us and our offenders, but rather focus on where we want to go and what we want to achieve: our peace of mind. It’s not said that that stranger or family member or friend, is still going to be part of our life afterwards, but they are definitely part of the solution. Settling matters with them can help us, and them, to overcome that period of difficulty or at least give us the right kick to start a new page in our lives.

2. They are chronic offenders.

They say an ocean is made up of little drops, the same way an existent problem can arise from a series of other little problem caused by the same person over a period of time. Since they are always minor issues, we might never attach any importance to it and keep forgiving; yet every time we forgive, for the main part we mean it, while for a very little part, we are not really cool with it. On the long going, our state of intranquillity whenever we forgive that person is bound to increase and eventually surpass the state of apparent peace of mind.

How do we handle this case?

The role of ignorant advisers should be limited and reduced to minimum. They shouldn’t be given access to our personal affairs, because the type of situations that usually involve such offenders are most times private, such as relationships or family matters; so the offender statistically speaking is either a close friend, a relative or even our partners. It’s unusual for a stranger to keep offending us in various occasions and for us to suffer passively if there wasn’t a pre-existent relationship between us, be it direct or indirect (very close to someone personally involved with us). So, I’ll take it for granted that we have this relative, friend or partner that is very fond of doing things that annoy us, but by the virtue of the affection and feelings we have for them, we tend to forgive them. But, I must say be careful.

There are offences that are committed out of a habit and there are those that are committed out of character. Old habits die hard, but better hard than never. With love and support, we can help a love one to overcome their weak points and eventually get rid of those attitudes and behaviours that made them chronic offenders. It’s usually not a very easy task, especially when the habit is deep rooted in that person, but whenever there is a possibility of redeeming someone, we should never give up. And this is case one.

Case two: offences born out of bad character traits. I’m sorry to say but there is no solution to this. We can try to curb or improve the character of this person by helping them to be more in control of their emotions and not to listen to their impulse and instincts whenever they try to take over their common sense, but little can be done to eliminate this aspect of a person’s nature. We can either be tolerant and keep enduring their continuous negligence of our happiness and wellbeing or simply put a distance between us and them.

In a situation where this person is just a friend or an acquaintance, it can be very easy to distance ourselves from them, especially if they never occupied a relevant role in our lives. But if this person is a relative or a partner (if we have the privilege of choosing our friends, I suppose we are not so stupid to choose a chronic offender as our best-friend), the decision to redefine our relationship with them may be harder, especially if we are one of those overly emotional and optimistic people, who always see the good in others.

Let’s start from the case of a partner. Love doesn’t cover all. Love is not pain (I mean pain as in whatever situation or emotion that put you in state of discontentment) and you must not believe anybody that tries to convince you it is. The fundamental reason behind coming together emotionally or physically with a person is to take care of one another and derive happiness and pleasure from doing so. When we take care of someone and that person reciprocates our care and attention, we find it very fulfilling. The lack of fulfilment or an overwhelming sense of frustration is the first sign that something is lacking in that relationship. Having a chronic offender as a partner offers the worst prospect in terms of relationship. We can only think of the present, but never about the future, because every attempt of ours to even think of a second ahead of the moment we are living is ruined by the fear/consciousness that our partner is around to corner to inflict another harm on us. Do yourself (I’ve already done it) a favour: call it quits. If you don’t, you’ll only have yourself to blame and others will join you to blame yourself. Why? Simple as ABC.

If a hundred times you have been offended, and a hundred times you have forgiven, why shouldn’t they offend you the 101th time and why shouldn’t you forgive the 101th time too? You have been doing it, you can as well continue doing it. You gave your blessing, legitimated their behaviour and through your constant forgiveness, made it known that you are comfortable with such behaviour, that you condone it and that you love it. I mean, why should you keep putting up with something you don’t love? Their continuous pleadings have become more like an act of formality. They are not really necessary, because you are not going anywhere, but they still plead, so they wouldn’t look insensitive in your eyes and in the eyes of the curious spectators. Is this what you want for yourself?

Now, what if the chronic offender is a relative? A distant relative? You didn’t choose your mother, father and siblings: those are more than enough things over which you don’t have any control, so do away with the distant cousin or niece or whoever they are.

A sibling? Blood is thicker than water, but a person with a nasty character remains a person with a nasty character. Treat them like the chronic offending partner, but always keep a window opened for reconciliation; after all blood is thicker than water.

A parent? Now, from my own personal experience, you just have to learn to tolerate them and love them despite all their flows. You may not remember or maybe you do and think they were at fault, but you also did a lot of things that annoyed the hell out of them, but they never gave up on you. They still loved and took care of you. Their love for you has been unconditional since you were right there inside mummy’s womb. No matter what they do, remember that they are humans and they are bound and allowed to make mistakes. If they didn’t abandon you, even those years you used to think you knew it all, why should you abandon them because of this annoying trait they have? Besides, aren’t you their child? They may have the disease, but you my dear have the antidote.

Our culture loves forgiveness and, true, there are those who take advantage of it to be nasty hoping that you’ll always turn the other cheek and forgive them. But for those who you think are worth it and can change, turn the cheek, but for the rest, punch both of theirs.

Cheers!