COMMON EXPERIENCES DO NOT IMPLY SAMENESS IN IDENTITIES

I think people often search for common experiences to have a mutual connection and, perhaps, understanding with someone. I also think that people like to group other people together based on the latter's common experiences.

This results in people often making blanket statements such as:

1. If he or she is from a broken home, he or she won't make a good spouse.
2. If he or she was from an abusive home, he or she will either become a perpetrator or a victim of abuse.

I heard this one in church from a pastor: "If your mother sleeps around, you too will sleep around."

Why do we do that?

We learn that two people came from broken homes, suffered abuse or have sexually promiscuous parents, so we just lump together and never learn to separate them from their experiences.

Is it fair to say that everybody who went to a particular school is the same or similar?

Can you tell what a person's character is like because you know someone who has had a common experience with that person up close?

I date a guy, we break up, then he goes on to date another guy, while I too am dating another guy.

Would you now say that I and that girl have similar characters, intelligence, personalities or even preferences based on the fact that we dated the same guy?

Would you say that my ex and my current boyfriend have similar characters, intelligence, personalities or even preferences because they both dated me?

Life is like a book of of cliches. You will find millions of people who have had similar experience as you, some even identical, except for a few minutiae. 

Using a similar experience as the foundation of your relationship with someone hardly ever works, especially in those situations where you both feed on each other's pain to feel good about yourselves.

True, nobody can understand you more than someone who has been through a similar pain to yours, but that alone is not sufficient for your friendship or love to thrive.

You can't tell a person's personality, character, attitude, ideas and over all persona from an event that occurred in their lives. You can't even predict the kind of person they'll become.

For a long time, many people ignored the abusive nature of my mother because I didn't fall into their idea of how a girl whose mother is violent behaves. The lies that my mother told aside, I wasn't docile or timid. I was fierce as fierce can be.

I was vocal, I was expressive, I was also confrontational and I was a fighter. When I say fighter I don't mean physical fighter, though I did experience a few fights. I mean fighter because I would never allow myself to be at the receiving end of nonsense and injustice. I was everything a good Nigerian girl shouldn't be, and I never pretended in order to change their opinion about me.

There were other girls like me who had a similar family situation and they were, you know, quiet, meek, docile, etc. Some even faked unity and solidarity with their abusive parent because "we must not allow our enemies to win". Faking love with my mother is something I never did. If we were good, we were good. If we weren't good, we stayed off each other. I never begged her. I never apologised to her.

I could have become a timid girl who sought desperately for love. I could have become another statistics of "my mother didn't show me love so now I am dating this asshole."

I could have become a narcissist myself: "My mother never thought good of me, but I know that I am beyond perfect. And I'll prove it to her."

I could have become abusive myself: "My mother put me through so much pain, now I want to release that pain on somebody else."

I could have become any of those cliches or worse. Instead I grew up to become me: nonchalant, with strong principles, moral values and a hunger for change.

I have my flaws. I can be a total douche. I have been a total douche. I regret some of my douchery, while I do not regret others. But one thing is for sure: I intend to put my douchery to good use.

You think you know me based on the experiences I have written about on this space? 🤣🤣🤣🤣You are on a long thing bro and sis.

Some douches are made, other douches are born.

I, Mavis Ishanqueen, am a douche who was born.