The rape stories on Amanda's wall are a sad proof that Nigerians in general do not understand the dynamics surrounding this crime.
1. They don't think of sex as an experience shared by two or more consenting adults but as something that a man gains and that a woman loses.
2. They don't see sex as an act between equals which is why they think rape is just another form of sex between a dominator and a dominated.
3. They think that the gender of the rapist and of the raped are relevant to determine whether there was rape or not.
4. Because they don't think of sex as an act between equals, rape is sometimes seen as "rough sex".
5. They don't understand that rape is not sex but a crime which uses sex as a weapon.
To illustrate better, I'll use this example.
A lot of people struggle to distinguish sex and rape because sex is something that happens every day and among a great load of people. So one might say: "What's the difference between you having sex with that man and you having sex with that other man?"
The answer is simple: I want to have sex with that man but I don't want to have sex with that other man. My consent is what determines the act as sex or the act as rape.
The fact that I'm sexually active does not even make rape less traumatising and the fact that I have had sex with that person before does not make a sexual assault less of a rape.
To understand better, let's try and remove sex from the equation and replace it with another relatable action: sitting down.
At work, you sit down every day and every day you sit on one particular chair. One day you decide that you do not feel like sitting down on that chair neither do you want to sit at all. But your boss insists that you sit down and that you sit down on that chair.
Whether you sit down or not does not make a difference to your boss. You could perform well even if you were standing or walking about. But your boss does not care. They want you sat down and they want you sat on that chair.
In that moment what matters to your boss is that you understand that they are the one in charge and that they can make you do what they want you to do. At this point they no longer care about your performance as much as they care about controlling you and subduing you.
That is what will give them the ultimate satisfaction.
This same scenario happens in rape. The moment a person moves from making sexual advances to attempting rape, the purpose of their actions changes drastically. If at the beginning they wanted to share a sexual experience with you, a refusal causes their brain to switch from seeking sexual gratification to seeking revenge.
They stop caring about having sex with you; instead they want to prove to you and themselves that they can have sex with you.
So it's actually about the power they are able to exercise over you and not really the sexual pleasure they'd derive from having sex with you.
And in a rape situation gender stereotypes do not always apply. The woman can be the aggressor and the man can be the victim.
And if a man is able to resist being raped, it has nothing to do with his having self control. He's much as a survivor as a woman who escaped being rape. Do we also say she had self control?
That's why I say we need to change the way we view sex. Nobody is giving and nobody is taking. Everybody is sharing.
Being raped is not so different from being shot. One just involves a bullet, while the other involves sex.
1. They don't think of sex as an experience shared by two or more consenting adults but as something that a man gains and that a woman loses.
2. They don't see sex as an act between equals which is why they think rape is just another form of sex between a dominator and a dominated.
3. They think that the gender of the rapist and of the raped are relevant to determine whether there was rape or not.
4. Because they don't think of sex as an act between equals, rape is sometimes seen as "rough sex".
5. They don't understand that rape is not sex but a crime which uses sex as a weapon.
To illustrate better, I'll use this example.
A lot of people struggle to distinguish sex and rape because sex is something that happens every day and among a great load of people. So one might say: "What's the difference between you having sex with that man and you having sex with that other man?"
The answer is simple: I want to have sex with that man but I don't want to have sex with that other man. My consent is what determines the act as sex or the act as rape.
The fact that I'm sexually active does not even make rape less traumatising and the fact that I have had sex with that person before does not make a sexual assault less of a rape.
To understand better, let's try and remove sex from the equation and replace it with another relatable action: sitting down.
At work, you sit down every day and every day you sit on one particular chair. One day you decide that you do not feel like sitting down on that chair neither do you want to sit at all. But your boss insists that you sit down and that you sit down on that chair.
Whether you sit down or not does not make a difference to your boss. You could perform well even if you were standing or walking about. But your boss does not care. They want you sat down and they want you sat on that chair.
In that moment what matters to your boss is that you understand that they are the one in charge and that they can make you do what they want you to do. At this point they no longer care about your performance as much as they care about controlling you and subduing you.
That is what will give them the ultimate satisfaction.
This same scenario happens in rape. The moment a person moves from making sexual advances to attempting rape, the purpose of their actions changes drastically. If at the beginning they wanted to share a sexual experience with you, a refusal causes their brain to switch from seeking sexual gratification to seeking revenge.
They stop caring about having sex with you; instead they want to prove to you and themselves that they can have sex with you.
So it's actually about the power they are able to exercise over you and not really the sexual pleasure they'd derive from having sex with you.
And in a rape situation gender stereotypes do not always apply. The woman can be the aggressor and the man can be the victim.
And if a man is able to resist being raped, it has nothing to do with his having self control. He's much as a survivor as a woman who escaped being rape. Do we also say she had self control?
That's why I say we need to change the way we view sex. Nobody is giving and nobody is taking. Everybody is sharing.
Being raped is not so different from being shot. One just involves a bullet, while the other involves sex.
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