I believe that when they say you should not allow your past hurt to take over your humanity, they are not telling you to reset your standard at every new encounter and to allow every new person to drive you to your breaking point every single time, but that you should understand that people are different and might even do the same things for different reasons.
When I was 20, my birth father became an active member in my life but by then I had already gone through a lot with my mother and was determined never to allow anybody to put me through that much again.
I had heard a lot about my birth father. I had heard that he was not a good person. Even my mother never spoke well of him. The only good thing she has ever said about him - and I am not withholding any information - is that he was an extremely good looking man. I was told on several occasions that I could have done more to rub off his looks. Thankfully my mother is an attractive woman herself, so whatever I missed out from my birth father, I gained it from her.
Over the years I heard a lot of negative stories and comments about my birth father, but I never gave them much importance because I knew these sources to be people who always had something bad to say about anybody, including my own person. I knew that their opinion of me did not reflect my true nature, neither did their reports actually match my actions. So I took whatever they had to say about anybody with a pinch of salt.
Don't get me wrong. I had already come to know my birth father from my childhood. I had memories of him being irresponsible and thoughtless. I had my own idea of him but for some reasons, I wanted to give him the benefit of doubt. He expressed the desire to be part of my life, and there weren't any reasons, besides some unflattering childhood memories, that warranted a categorical no from me.
During the three years we had talks and the one year I lived with him and my mother, I came to know him for who he truly is and I decided that I didn't like him after all. There was nothing impressive or particularly exciting about him. He was just this plain old narcissist. Narcissist because he is a man who had spent 45 years or more of his life in Nigeria and because that was just the person he was meant to be, even if he had been born in another country. He was irredeemable.
I cut him off without any hesitation. There is no point talking about what led me to say "enough is enough", but I did just that and I am glad that I did.
I believe that my birth father was my mother's choice, thus her cross to carry. I had no say in my conception or birth and it would have been stupid to hang on to something I had no decisional power over just because "that is the way things are done around here".
Mothers should bear the consequences of choosing wrong men to have children with and fathers should bear the consequences of choosing wrong women to have children with. Children shouldn't be forced to carry a cross that was never theirs. Most of these parents were adults after all. They should have known better.
I always say that whatever relationship you have with your parents doesn't say anything about the kind of person that you are. On this Facebook, almost every day, we witness scenarios in which men denigrate and insult women, but would never allow anybody to talk ill of their mothers. A woman will shout that all men are dogs and that all men are scum, yet her father is the best man to have ever lived. You can be best friends with your mother or your father and still be a horrible person; and you can be that child your parents wish they never had and be one of the best people around.
To me, personally, there is nothing like mother like daughter or like father like son. Yes, I do have traits that I inherited from both my mother and my birth father but I have also sat down and reflected on how these traits ended up becoming the reasons why today we no longer sit together at the same table.
We all are a part of our mother, a part of our father and a part of our predecessors, but we are still our own person and we must realise that every person can break the chain of abuse, misery and unhappiness that has afflicted our past generations. All it takes is courage and the determination to stand through the insults and sneers.
My name is Ishan Queen.
I have owned my hurt.
I have owned my shame.
I have owned everything that makes me human.
I am flawed but I am not bad.
I have fallen but I am not broken.
I have cracks but I am not fragile.
I am not my mother.
I am not my father.
I am simply me.
And I am extraordinary.
When I was 20, my birth father became an active member in my life but by then I had already gone through a lot with my mother and was determined never to allow anybody to put me through that much again.
I had heard a lot about my birth father. I had heard that he was not a good person. Even my mother never spoke well of him. The only good thing she has ever said about him - and I am not withholding any information - is that he was an extremely good looking man. I was told on several occasions that I could have done more to rub off his looks. Thankfully my mother is an attractive woman herself, so whatever I missed out from my birth father, I gained it from her.
Over the years I heard a lot of negative stories and comments about my birth father, but I never gave them much importance because I knew these sources to be people who always had something bad to say about anybody, including my own person. I knew that their opinion of me did not reflect my true nature, neither did their reports actually match my actions. So I took whatever they had to say about anybody with a pinch of salt.
Don't get me wrong. I had already come to know my birth father from my childhood. I had memories of him being irresponsible and thoughtless. I had my own idea of him but for some reasons, I wanted to give him the benefit of doubt. He expressed the desire to be part of my life, and there weren't any reasons, besides some unflattering childhood memories, that warranted a categorical no from me.
During the three years we had talks and the one year I lived with him and my mother, I came to know him for who he truly is and I decided that I didn't like him after all. There was nothing impressive or particularly exciting about him. He was just this plain old narcissist. Narcissist because he is a man who had spent 45 years or more of his life in Nigeria and because that was just the person he was meant to be, even if he had been born in another country. He was irredeemable.
I cut him off without any hesitation. There is no point talking about what led me to say "enough is enough", but I did just that and I am glad that I did.
I believe that my birth father was my mother's choice, thus her cross to carry. I had no say in my conception or birth and it would have been stupid to hang on to something I had no decisional power over just because "that is the way things are done around here".
Mothers should bear the consequences of choosing wrong men to have children with and fathers should bear the consequences of choosing wrong women to have children with. Children shouldn't be forced to carry a cross that was never theirs. Most of these parents were adults after all. They should have known better.
I always say that whatever relationship you have with your parents doesn't say anything about the kind of person that you are. On this Facebook, almost every day, we witness scenarios in which men denigrate and insult women, but would never allow anybody to talk ill of their mothers. A woman will shout that all men are dogs and that all men are scum, yet her father is the best man to have ever lived. You can be best friends with your mother or your father and still be a horrible person; and you can be that child your parents wish they never had and be one of the best people around.
To me, personally, there is nothing like mother like daughter or like father like son. Yes, I do have traits that I inherited from both my mother and my birth father but I have also sat down and reflected on how these traits ended up becoming the reasons why today we no longer sit together at the same table.
We all are a part of our mother, a part of our father and a part of our predecessors, but we are still our own person and we must realise that every person can break the chain of abuse, misery and unhappiness that has afflicted our past generations. All it takes is courage and the determination to stand through the insults and sneers.
My name is Ishan Queen.
I have owned my hurt.
I have owned my shame.
I have owned everything that makes me human.
I am flawed but I am not bad.
I have fallen but I am not broken.
I have cracks but I am not fragile.
I am not my mother.
I am not my father.
I am simply me.
And I am extraordinary.
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