Ever since I started researching the subjects of Character, personality and attitude, I have come to acquire sufficient knowledge in understanding behaviours and the trigger behind certain behaviours.
Last year, Bunmi wrote a post about infidelity, and how sex is more urgent as a need for men than it is for women. I believe that her point was meant to prove that indeed a man can still love a woman and cheat on her with another woman.
I didn't agree. From what I have learnt, women's sexuality has been greatly undermined and neglected for far too long, so the whole idea that women are not as sexual as men seems more of a social myth than a natural truth.
Last week, Vivian proposed her own point of view concerning infidelity and stated that sex and love are two different things, and that they are not mutually inclusive. I agree with this.
She then proceeded to say that a man or a woman can cheat, and still perform very well as a husband or a wife. I do not intend to argue this point.
Her last point was that cheating does not stop a man or woman from being a good man or a good woman.
This is the point I want to argue.
Let me just state that as far as Nigeria goes, the upbringing of a good husband or a good wife is fundamentally different from the upbringing of a good person.
Husband and wife are a role you might or might not perform in your life time, while a person is not a role. It is an identity. You are a person from the day you are born until the day you die.
How you are as a person will ultimately determine how you will relate with the rest of the world and humanity. And yes, a person can be rated in terms of good or bad.
Remember that test I proposed two weeks ago where you could rate your goodness based on a Nigerian scale and then
based on a universal scale?
Most people failed the Nigerian test, and that's fine. Your goodness does not depend on your tribe, religion, the way you dress or your attachment to culture.
Your goodness, instead, depends on the values/qualities/virtues that you possess as a human being: these values are what determine how you treat other people and also treat yourself in a way that won't pose a threat or cause hurt to other people.
The totality of those values form your character and your character ultimately forms your person.
In the universal test, I listed 25 values. I suppose that whoever marked a particular value as one they possess, does possess that value in moderate or high level.
Now let's analyse the character of someone who cheats.
First of all, let's precise that cheating does not occur in a matter of seconds. Even if the person was cheating with a prostitute, they would still have to think of patronising a prostitute, decide to patronise a prostitute, look for a prostitute and negotiate the payment. That alone is a process that takes a minimum of an hour, and I am being generous.
Nobody meets a man or a woman a minute and starts fucking him or her the next minute.
For two strangers who are acting on a mutual attraction to come together and fuck, it means that there was an encounter, an exchange of numbers, communication, sexual dialogues, amorous effusions, financial investment and time invested. They probably planned it for days, weeks or even months.
You can argue all you want that the other man or woman does not mean anything because you are the spouse, but ask yourself what the difference between what your spouse did to woo them and what your spouse did to woo you is. What did this other person say to your spouse to seduce them that you didn't say to your spouse to seduce them when you were the one courting them?
During those days, weeks or months that your spouse flirted with another person, he or she lied, sneaked around, connived, betrayed and hurt you.
That means that your spouse was dishonourable, non-compassionate, disrespectful, disloyal, dishonest, unkind, non-committed, ungenerous, unempathetic, discontent, and also lacked integrity.
If you add that they were not remorseful and tried to put the blame on you, then boom, you might be dealing with someone suffering from an antisocial personality disorder or narcissism.
Cheating, in my opinion, is not an issue that should be treated lightly. Cheating is more than often, a symptom of something more severe. It can be the symptom of a poor character or of a personality disorder.
There is something I have come to understand about people who cheat. They are not different from your regular addicts. Cheating itself is a form of addiction. People cheat as a form of escapism.
If you think cheating is not a deal breaker, you are within your rights to think so.
If you say that a cheat can still be a good person, then I beg to differ. Cheating, just like lying, stealing, bullying are all manifestations of a deep character flaw. It's never a one time thing and it's a neverending thing.
Few weeks ago, I used to say that I might not divorce if I find out that my husband has cheated, but after the research I have done in the last couple of weeks, I'm afraid that I would divorce, and fast as well.
The first thing I'd do would be to put a distance between me and that man.
Everybody has their deal breaker. Just be careful to not let what you can forgive become something that will break you.
Last year, Bunmi wrote a post about infidelity, and how sex is more urgent as a need for men than it is for women. I believe that her point was meant to prove that indeed a man can still love a woman and cheat on her with another woman.
I didn't agree. From what I have learnt, women's sexuality has been greatly undermined and neglected for far too long, so the whole idea that women are not as sexual as men seems more of a social myth than a natural truth.
Last week, Vivian proposed her own point of view concerning infidelity and stated that sex and love are two different things, and that they are not mutually inclusive. I agree with this.
She then proceeded to say that a man or a woman can cheat, and still perform very well as a husband or a wife. I do not intend to argue this point.
Her last point was that cheating does not stop a man or woman from being a good man or a good woman.
This is the point I want to argue.
Let me just state that as far as Nigeria goes, the upbringing of a good husband or a good wife is fundamentally different from the upbringing of a good person.
Husband and wife are a role you might or might not perform in your life time, while a person is not a role. It is an identity. You are a person from the day you are born until the day you die.
How you are as a person will ultimately determine how you will relate with the rest of the world and humanity. And yes, a person can be rated in terms of good or bad.
Remember that test I proposed two weeks ago where you could rate your goodness based on a Nigerian scale and then
based on a universal scale?
Most people failed the Nigerian test, and that's fine. Your goodness does not depend on your tribe, religion, the way you dress or your attachment to culture.
Your goodness, instead, depends on the values/qualities/virtues that you possess as a human being: these values are what determine how you treat other people and also treat yourself in a way that won't pose a threat or cause hurt to other people.
The totality of those values form your character and your character ultimately forms your person.
In the universal test, I listed 25 values. I suppose that whoever marked a particular value as one they possess, does possess that value in moderate or high level.
Now let's analyse the character of someone who cheats.
First of all, let's precise that cheating does not occur in a matter of seconds. Even if the person was cheating with a prostitute, they would still have to think of patronising a prostitute, decide to patronise a prostitute, look for a prostitute and negotiate the payment. That alone is a process that takes a minimum of an hour, and I am being generous.
Nobody meets a man or a woman a minute and starts fucking him or her the next minute.
For two strangers who are acting on a mutual attraction to come together and fuck, it means that there was an encounter, an exchange of numbers, communication, sexual dialogues, amorous effusions, financial investment and time invested. They probably planned it for days, weeks or even months.
You can argue all you want that the other man or woman does not mean anything because you are the spouse, but ask yourself what the difference between what your spouse did to woo them and what your spouse did to woo you is. What did this other person say to your spouse to seduce them that you didn't say to your spouse to seduce them when you were the one courting them?
During those days, weeks or months that your spouse flirted with another person, he or she lied, sneaked around, connived, betrayed and hurt you.
That means that your spouse was dishonourable, non-compassionate, disrespectful, disloyal, dishonest, unkind, non-committed, ungenerous, unempathetic, discontent, and also lacked integrity.
If you add that they were not remorseful and tried to put the blame on you, then boom, you might be dealing with someone suffering from an antisocial personality disorder or narcissism.
Cheating, in my opinion, is not an issue that should be treated lightly. Cheating is more than often, a symptom of something more severe. It can be the symptom of a poor character or of a personality disorder.
There is something I have come to understand about people who cheat. They are not different from your regular addicts. Cheating itself is a form of addiction. People cheat as a form of escapism.
If you think cheating is not a deal breaker, you are within your rights to think so.
If you say that a cheat can still be a good person, then I beg to differ. Cheating, just like lying, stealing, bullying are all manifestations of a deep character flaw. It's never a one time thing and it's a neverending thing.
Few weeks ago, I used to say that I might not divorce if I find out that my husband has cheated, but after the research I have done in the last couple of weeks, I'm afraid that I would divorce, and fast as well.
The first thing I'd do would be to put a distance between me and that man.
Everybody has their deal breaker. Just be careful to not let what you can forgive become something that will break you.
No comments:
Post a Comment