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I had planned to write this post tomorrow, just so I could achieve much of the reaction I had aimed for when I wrote my last post on motherhood, but I have been receiving comments from women who didn't see the sarcasm behind my post and felt that they had to justify their decisions to be mothers to me or to try and open my eyes to the joys of motherhood.
First of all, let me say that that post only partially reflects my opinions about motherhood and I say partially because while I do not want to be a mother, biologically or legally, my reasons for not wanting to be a mother are not the reasons I listed in my post.
My post was an attempt at flipping the script on why some women choose not to be identified as feminists despite aligning with the feminist ideology, but I guess it was so well crafted that most of the commenters failed to see my intentions.
The reasons some women dissociate themselves from the feminist tag mostly revolve around their perception of how certain women go about feminism or the concerns some women think are a priority in the feminist movement.
Let me start by saying that my last post is massive bowl of crap. Yes, it is. Just because I described a reality that affects some women after they become mothers or who chose to be mothers, it doesn't mean that the definition or expectations of motherhood are actually those ones.
My reason for not wanting to be a mother is simple: I don't want to have children.
On that post I also mentioned that I will adopt a little girl someday but still won't call myself a mother.
No, I won't adopt children either. That bit was just to highlight the silliness of my logic. It doesn't matter whether the child comes out of your vagina or you adopt it, as long as you take the child as your own, the child is your child and you are its mother.
The way a woman goes about motherhood has more to do with the way that woman is wired than with what the objective definition of motherhood is.
The reason why many of you were so quick to identify those issues I listed as normal and good reasons for me to castigate motherhood and mothers is a result of the environment you live in. Most women who were born and raised in that environment fit into those categories of mothers because that's how they have been wired to think and do.
A former classmate of mine commented on my post and used her mother as an example. My friend is Italian and Italy happens to be one of the most conservative countries when it comes to parenting and family related issues. They still have the idea of the man that provides and of the woman that takes care of the home and the children. The role of a "casalinga" (housewife) is widely accepted in the Italian culture. Italy is also one of those countries that have strongly opposed the right of gay couples to adopt children because their idea of a family is father, mother and children.
The ability to think outside the box is very essential in understanding the nuances of a situation. The realities that I mentioned in my post are true but only in relation to a particular place and people. The more we widen our area of study, the more we see the loopholes in certain arguments that on a first read, can pass as valid.
It is not true that women lose themselves after having children. It is only true in certain places because that is how those women have been brought up. And it is not true that women have children just to fulfil certain societal expectations. That also is only true in certain places.
Now, when it comes to feminism, we need to understand that there is the definition that is offered by the dictionary and the reality of the women who identify as feminists.
I always say this and I won't stop saying this: feminism as a mass ideology is still at its infancy in Nigeria and in other third world countries. A lot of times people want to compare the feminism that is being practised in Nigeria to the feminism that is being practised in the USA or in the UK and that's where they make a big mistake. The realities in these countries are so different from ours.
In Nigeria we have a reality where women are defined by how domesticated they are, their marital status and their ability to bear (male) children.
Women who live in the UK or in the States do not regularly face this kind of challenges and even when they do, they do not face it on a scale as massive as ours; and that's because their century long of struggle has resulted in laws that protect them from these types of discrimination and labels. These societies are patriarchal but their laws are egalitarian. That's why we talk about first world feminism. A lot of times, these feminists do not even need to make noise about an injustice against a woman, as the law readily steps in on its own to tackle it.
Nigeria has not yet reached that stage. We still do not have a legal system that is based on equality. Our legal system is biased towards the rich and the male population. This is not to say that poor people or women do not stand a chance of winning, but your chances become relatively higher if you are a man and if you have money.
This is the reason why we need to campaign that a woman is more than a wife and a mother.
We need to campaign that there is more to being a wife than being a house appliance and housekeeper.
We need to campaign that a woman shouldn't lose herself just because she is now a mother.
And you know what? First world feminists also campaigned for these mindsets to die out. You don't know this because, back then, we didn't have the internet, so people couldn't see all the discussions that were going on in those gatherings among women and men.
Right now the need to let the Nigerian society know that women do not belong in the kitchen is a priority. Other priorities also include the right to eat fucking gizzard, the need for women to pursue other goals that will make them useful to themselves and to the society at large (yeah, marriage is not your ultimate stop. You can go further than that) and the courage to stand against the fears the society has instilled in women and to walk out of a marriage that is not doing them any good.
Anti-feminists might make a mockery of these campaigns and call them silly and trivial but we can never win the big fights until we have won these little ones. These are the chains we need to break first, before we start aiming for a more radical change.
Too often people speak from a position of privilege. A large number of men can't empathise with women because they have never experienced that kind of situations women face on a daily basis before. The rich can't empathise with the poor and those women who were lucky enough to have been raised by parents who were gender blind actually believe that their reality is the same as every other woman's reality. Even people who reside abroad often fail to understand where someone who resides in Nigeria is coming from and that's because their day to day experiences are not the same.
Mrs Eunice Atuejide said that she is not a feminist because the feminists she sees do not want to cook and do not respect men and I won't bother wasting my time trying to explain things to her. Mrs Atuejide benefited massively from feminism. All you have to do is read her credentials. She is just like most women who have dropped the tag: privileged and lacking in sense and empathy.
If you have sense you will definitely see the reason behind #wifenotcook. And if you have sense you will also understand why being a man does not automatically make you a respectable person especially in a society where women are not deserving of respect unless they are tied to a man.
I won't stop campaigning against these "ridiculousness" because these ridiculousness have deprived Nigeria and the world of exceptional women.
Feminism has a definition but the reality I want to address will shape my orientation and my priorities. If you understand, you understand. If you don't understand, that's your problem.
At the end of the day, my victory will be every woman's victory; and that is all that matters.
Stay tuned for more flipping the script.
I had planned to write this post tomorrow, just so I could achieve much of the reaction I had aimed for when I wrote my last post on motherhood, but I have been receiving comments from women who didn't see the sarcasm behind my post and felt that they had to justify their decisions to be mothers to me or to try and open my eyes to the joys of motherhood.
First of all, let me say that that post only partially reflects my opinions about motherhood and I say partially because while I do not want to be a mother, biologically or legally, my reasons for not wanting to be a mother are not the reasons I listed in my post.
My post was an attempt at flipping the script on why some women choose not to be identified as feminists despite aligning with the feminist ideology, but I guess it was so well crafted that most of the commenters failed to see my intentions.
The reasons some women dissociate themselves from the feminist tag mostly revolve around their perception of how certain women go about feminism or the concerns some women think are a priority in the feminist movement.
Let me start by saying that my last post is massive bowl of crap. Yes, it is. Just because I described a reality that affects some women after they become mothers or who chose to be mothers, it doesn't mean that the definition or expectations of motherhood are actually those ones.
My reason for not wanting to be a mother is simple: I don't want to have children.
On that post I also mentioned that I will adopt a little girl someday but still won't call myself a mother.
No, I won't adopt children either. That bit was just to highlight the silliness of my logic. It doesn't matter whether the child comes out of your vagina or you adopt it, as long as you take the child as your own, the child is your child and you are its mother.
The way a woman goes about motherhood has more to do with the way that woman is wired than with what the objective definition of motherhood is.
The reason why many of you were so quick to identify those issues I listed as normal and good reasons for me to castigate motherhood and mothers is a result of the environment you live in. Most women who were born and raised in that environment fit into those categories of mothers because that's how they have been wired to think and do.
A former classmate of mine commented on my post and used her mother as an example. My friend is Italian and Italy happens to be one of the most conservative countries when it comes to parenting and family related issues. They still have the idea of the man that provides and of the woman that takes care of the home and the children. The role of a "casalinga" (housewife) is widely accepted in the Italian culture. Italy is also one of those countries that have strongly opposed the right of gay couples to adopt children because their idea of a family is father, mother and children.
The ability to think outside the box is very essential in understanding the nuances of a situation. The realities that I mentioned in my post are true but only in relation to a particular place and people. The more we widen our area of study, the more we see the loopholes in certain arguments that on a first read, can pass as valid.
It is not true that women lose themselves after having children. It is only true in certain places because that is how those women have been brought up. And it is not true that women have children just to fulfil certain societal expectations. That also is only true in certain places.
Now, when it comes to feminism, we need to understand that there is the definition that is offered by the dictionary and the reality of the women who identify as feminists.
I always say this and I won't stop saying this: feminism as a mass ideology is still at its infancy in Nigeria and in other third world countries. A lot of times people want to compare the feminism that is being practised in Nigeria to the feminism that is being practised in the USA or in the UK and that's where they make a big mistake. The realities in these countries are so different from ours.
In Nigeria we have a reality where women are defined by how domesticated they are, their marital status and their ability to bear (male) children.
Women who live in the UK or in the States do not regularly face this kind of challenges and even when they do, they do not face it on a scale as massive as ours; and that's because their century long of struggle has resulted in laws that protect them from these types of discrimination and labels. These societies are patriarchal but their laws are egalitarian. That's why we talk about first world feminism. A lot of times, these feminists do not even need to make noise about an injustice against a woman, as the law readily steps in on its own to tackle it.
Nigeria has not yet reached that stage. We still do not have a legal system that is based on equality. Our legal system is biased towards the rich and the male population. This is not to say that poor people or women do not stand a chance of winning, but your chances become relatively higher if you are a man and if you have money.
This is the reason why we need to campaign that a woman is more than a wife and a mother.
We need to campaign that there is more to being a wife than being a house appliance and housekeeper.
We need to campaign that a woman shouldn't lose herself just because she is now a mother.
And you know what? First world feminists also campaigned for these mindsets to die out. You don't know this because, back then, we didn't have the internet, so people couldn't see all the discussions that were going on in those gatherings among women and men.
Right now the need to let the Nigerian society know that women do not belong in the kitchen is a priority. Other priorities also include the right to eat fucking gizzard, the need for women to pursue other goals that will make them useful to themselves and to the society at large (yeah, marriage is not your ultimate stop. You can go further than that) and the courage to stand against the fears the society has instilled in women and to walk out of a marriage that is not doing them any good.
Anti-feminists might make a mockery of these campaigns and call them silly and trivial but we can never win the big fights until we have won these little ones. These are the chains we need to break first, before we start aiming for a more radical change.
Too often people speak from a position of privilege. A large number of men can't empathise with women because they have never experienced that kind of situations women face on a daily basis before. The rich can't empathise with the poor and those women who were lucky enough to have been raised by parents who were gender blind actually believe that their reality is the same as every other woman's reality. Even people who reside abroad often fail to understand where someone who resides in Nigeria is coming from and that's because their day to day experiences are not the same.
Mrs Eunice Atuejide said that she is not a feminist because the feminists she sees do not want to cook and do not respect men and I won't bother wasting my time trying to explain things to her. Mrs Atuejide benefited massively from feminism. All you have to do is read her credentials. She is just like most women who have dropped the tag: privileged and lacking in sense and empathy.
If you have sense you will definitely see the reason behind #wifenotcook. And if you have sense you will also understand why being a man does not automatically make you a respectable person especially in a society where women are not deserving of respect unless they are tied to a man.
I won't stop campaigning against these "ridiculousness" because these ridiculousness have deprived Nigeria and the world of exceptional women.
Feminism has a definition but the reality I want to address will shape my orientation and my priorities. If you understand, you understand. If you don't understand, that's your problem.
At the end of the day, my victory will be every woman's victory; and that is all that matters.
Stay tuned for more flipping the script.
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