Abusers rely on two certainties to carry out and continue their abusive actions: the confidence that they will always get away with it and the security provided by the environment.
Abusers are often narcissists who in the bid to earn respect and remain in control, resort to threats and harm. A notable trait of a narcissist is their apparent confidence, which in reality is arrogance since their achievements and general quality of life rarely match the opinion they have of themselves. Abuse stems from a place of frustration. These people want respect, but they hardly get it because either their person or their actions do not warrant it.
Narcissists feed on external validations, so most of their confidence comes from the environment they live in and from the people they mingle with. Narcissists will hardly make friends with high achievers because that would make them feel inadequate about their own failures. Instead they like to mingle with people who have the same mindset and possibly struggles as them. And that's because they feel these people won't judge them, since they are all practically in the same boat.
Narcissism is one of the toughest personality disorders as narcissists are not aware of their own "awkwardness". They are extremely critical of other people, yet they can't accept being criticised, even by themselves. So when a narcissist grows into a full blown abusive person and keeps on with it, it is because they have found the kind of validation they needed from their victim and the environment.
There is no way to stop a narcissist who has become abusive, as long as they remain in that place and among those people. They need to be uprooted from that security in order to be stripped of the God complex they have developed thanks to their successful manipulations. In that God complex mode, they believe that they are untouchable and immune to judgement.
Exposing a narcissist to criticism will certainly trigger a reaction from them but this reaction can often result in a violent outburst.
I, personally, have dealt with different types of narcissists. I have met the one who always wanted to be seen as the victim even though they were the ones perpetuating the acts of violence. I have met the one who thought of themselves as the best and could be extremely nasty to anybody who refused to revere them. I have met the one who believed they were entitled to everything they wanted even though it meant depriving other people of those things.
One common trait I noticed, however, was how fragile these people were. They acted as if they were indispensable in people's lives, whereas they were actually very disposable. They needed their victims more than their victims needed them. Without someone to control, they sank into a mode of social irrelevance.
I would like to use one of the narcissists I have encountered so far as an example. I will call her Joy.
Joy was this average looking girl, with a high school education, ambitious but lazy, who dreamed of meeting a rich man who would save her from the poverty that befell her family after her father died. Joy started dating when she was a teenager until she met this guy and initiated an abusive relationship which lasted for five years. The relationship was characterised by cheating, violence, lies and plenty drama. She also initiated violence even though the guy always prevailed, since he was the stronger one.
Joy thought of herself as the queen bee and wanted to be treated as such by other girls. She often made friends with girls who were much younger than her and tried to coach them into submission. When she made friends in her age bracket, it was never with girls who were actually succeeding academically or professionally, as she wasn't, instead she chose girls who were going through the same struggles.
Her boyfriend was into some illegal deeds, so he provided her with cash and luxury gifts which she flaunted, with the hope that it would arouse envy in other girls, especially in those girls whom she believed wanted to be like her.
But her relationship, like I said, was filled with plenty drama so the pair broke up multiple times during those five years.
Whenever Joy and her boyfriend broke up, she changed; and by changed I mean she became meeker and less confident. Without a boyfriend to constantly validate her megalomaniac tendencies and a regular cash flow, she would start trying to make amends with people she had offended previously. However, as soon as she and her boyfriend reconciled, she would start acting nasty again. This pattern would repeat itself with subsequent boyfriends. She was so unstable that till date, people still don't know who she really is. Is she that bitch or is she actually nice?
This interesting observation is not peculiar to Joy alone. I have observed it in the other narcissists that I have been unfortunate to meet and even have intimate rapports with. The problem though is that they are not aware of their change of personality. They believe they are just doing what any other person should do.
How did I deal with my situation?
I removed myself from the equation. This alone destabilised their sense of confidence. They saw that, unlike what they had thought, they were not indispensable at all. That doesn't mean that they stopped being narcissists. Narcissism is a personality disorder and as such requires the intervention of a professional (I am not a professional. I am just an observer).
They witnessed a power shuffle in our relationship. The farther I went, the less powerful they became. Interestingly they also became more obstinate with their manipulations.
Perhaps some of you have been in abusive relationships and can understand what I am trying to say.
You try to get away from your abuser, they start begging and promising change. They even change for a while.
You insist with your decision, they start threatening you.
You move away from them, they start inciting people against you.
They can go as far as turning your family against you, your friends and even causing you to lose your job. They want to destroy everything you have so that you can once again rely on them to get those things back.
They can be extremely vicious.
One way I managed to keep the distance is by succeeding. When they call my friends, they hear that I am happy. They learn that I have a job and that I am involved in self developing projects. They understand that for them to be involved in my life again, it's either they leave their comfort zone, which they won't or I leave my comfort zone which I won't.
One thing about narcissists is that they often project their feelings and flaws on to other people. Even when they see that you are happy and succeeding, but they are not happy and succeeding, they will believe that your are actually living a lie. And since they cannot get to you, they will try to manipulate people around you, just so they can pass a message across: you are missing something important in your life. That something is them. You can never be truly happy, unless you are with them.
How did I stop this from happening?
What I did was:
- Cut off those people who were easily manipulated;
- Create strong bonds with my friends by letting them know what I went through and why it is important that these people remain out of my life.
I can say this has worked for me so far and that it will continue working for me as long as I remain in this zone and do not allow their manipulations to get to me.
It is very hard to stand by your decision when everybody seems to be of the opinion that you are making a mistake.
Self love conquereth all.
If you love yourself, narcissists don't stand a chance. They might win the initial battles, but they will always lose the war.
Your comfort zone is your place of happiness. Your comfort zone is their place of misery.
Be strong.
Abusers are often narcissists who in the bid to earn respect and remain in control, resort to threats and harm. A notable trait of a narcissist is their apparent confidence, which in reality is arrogance since their achievements and general quality of life rarely match the opinion they have of themselves. Abuse stems from a place of frustration. These people want respect, but they hardly get it because either their person or their actions do not warrant it.
Narcissists feed on external validations, so most of their confidence comes from the environment they live in and from the people they mingle with. Narcissists will hardly make friends with high achievers because that would make them feel inadequate about their own failures. Instead they like to mingle with people who have the same mindset and possibly struggles as them. And that's because they feel these people won't judge them, since they are all practically in the same boat.
Narcissism is one of the toughest personality disorders as narcissists are not aware of their own "awkwardness". They are extremely critical of other people, yet they can't accept being criticised, even by themselves. So when a narcissist grows into a full blown abusive person and keeps on with it, it is because they have found the kind of validation they needed from their victim and the environment.
There is no way to stop a narcissist who has become abusive, as long as they remain in that place and among those people. They need to be uprooted from that security in order to be stripped of the God complex they have developed thanks to their successful manipulations. In that God complex mode, they believe that they are untouchable and immune to judgement.
Exposing a narcissist to criticism will certainly trigger a reaction from them but this reaction can often result in a violent outburst.
I, personally, have dealt with different types of narcissists. I have met the one who always wanted to be seen as the victim even though they were the ones perpetuating the acts of violence. I have met the one who thought of themselves as the best and could be extremely nasty to anybody who refused to revere them. I have met the one who believed they were entitled to everything they wanted even though it meant depriving other people of those things.
One common trait I noticed, however, was how fragile these people were. They acted as if they were indispensable in people's lives, whereas they were actually very disposable. They needed their victims more than their victims needed them. Without someone to control, they sank into a mode of social irrelevance.
I would like to use one of the narcissists I have encountered so far as an example. I will call her Joy.
Joy was this average looking girl, with a high school education, ambitious but lazy, who dreamed of meeting a rich man who would save her from the poverty that befell her family after her father died. Joy started dating when she was a teenager until she met this guy and initiated an abusive relationship which lasted for five years. The relationship was characterised by cheating, violence, lies and plenty drama. She also initiated violence even though the guy always prevailed, since he was the stronger one.
Joy thought of herself as the queen bee and wanted to be treated as such by other girls. She often made friends with girls who were much younger than her and tried to coach them into submission. When she made friends in her age bracket, it was never with girls who were actually succeeding academically or professionally, as she wasn't, instead she chose girls who were going through the same struggles.
Her boyfriend was into some illegal deeds, so he provided her with cash and luxury gifts which she flaunted, with the hope that it would arouse envy in other girls, especially in those girls whom she believed wanted to be like her.
But her relationship, like I said, was filled with plenty drama so the pair broke up multiple times during those five years.
Whenever Joy and her boyfriend broke up, she changed; and by changed I mean she became meeker and less confident. Without a boyfriend to constantly validate her megalomaniac tendencies and a regular cash flow, she would start trying to make amends with people she had offended previously. However, as soon as she and her boyfriend reconciled, she would start acting nasty again. This pattern would repeat itself with subsequent boyfriends. She was so unstable that till date, people still don't know who she really is. Is she that bitch or is she actually nice?
This interesting observation is not peculiar to Joy alone. I have observed it in the other narcissists that I have been unfortunate to meet and even have intimate rapports with. The problem though is that they are not aware of their change of personality. They believe they are just doing what any other person should do.
How did I deal with my situation?
I removed myself from the equation. This alone destabilised their sense of confidence. They saw that, unlike what they had thought, they were not indispensable at all. That doesn't mean that they stopped being narcissists. Narcissism is a personality disorder and as such requires the intervention of a professional (I am not a professional. I am just an observer).
They witnessed a power shuffle in our relationship. The farther I went, the less powerful they became. Interestingly they also became more obstinate with their manipulations.
Perhaps some of you have been in abusive relationships and can understand what I am trying to say.
You try to get away from your abuser, they start begging and promising change. They even change for a while.
You insist with your decision, they start threatening you.
You move away from them, they start inciting people against you.
They can go as far as turning your family against you, your friends and even causing you to lose your job. They want to destroy everything you have so that you can once again rely on them to get those things back.
They can be extremely vicious.
One way I managed to keep the distance is by succeeding. When they call my friends, they hear that I am happy. They learn that I have a job and that I am involved in self developing projects. They understand that for them to be involved in my life again, it's either they leave their comfort zone, which they won't or I leave my comfort zone which I won't.
One thing about narcissists is that they often project their feelings and flaws on to other people. Even when they see that you are happy and succeeding, but they are not happy and succeeding, they will believe that your are actually living a lie. And since they cannot get to you, they will try to manipulate people around you, just so they can pass a message across: you are missing something important in your life. That something is them. You can never be truly happy, unless you are with them.
How did I stop this from happening?
What I did was:
- Cut off those people who were easily manipulated;
- Create strong bonds with my friends by letting them know what I went through and why it is important that these people remain out of my life.
I can say this has worked for me so far and that it will continue working for me as long as I remain in this zone and do not allow their manipulations to get to me.
It is very hard to stand by your decision when everybody seems to be of the opinion that you are making a mistake.
Self love conquereth all.
If you love yourself, narcissists don't stand a chance. They might win the initial battles, but they will always lose the war.
Your comfort zone is your place of happiness. Your comfort zone is their place of misery.
Be strong.
No comments:
Post a Comment