PRODIGAL PARENTS

I had a friend who liked to tell me the story of how he forgave and reconciled with this mother. His mother had abandoned him when he was still a little boy, less than five years of age. She had left leaving him and his two sisters behind. He was the middle son. His father was well to do, but a point came in his life when he had to start fending for himself. Then grace shone upon him and his maternal uncle who lived in Italy remembered him and helped to travel abroad. He first stayed with that uncle, before he moved in with his maternal aunt.

By the time he arrived in Italy, he had not seen or spoken to his mother in over 20 years. Both his sisters had also moved on with life. I do not know much about the eldest, but I know that the youngest sister had travelled to the UK, put herself through school, got married, had three children, and was now striving as a middle class woman.

Thirty years later or more, his mother finally reappeared. She reached out to him through his aunt. The aunt would tell me herself, "She didn't know how to approach him on her own", so I just told her, "Do it. D is a good person. He will forgive you". And, so she did, and so he did too.

This friend liked to tell me this story as a way of teaching me a valuable lesson: forgiveness. He wanted me to forgive my parents, the way he had forgiven his own mother. Even when I explained to him that I had forgiven my parents at some point, he didn't feel that it was enough. Because this forgiveness had to be permanent and unconditional.

I did forgive my mother. I forgave her many times. The last time I forgave her was in 2009, after we had not spoken for two years.

I did forgive my birth father, if that is the correct term to use. I mean, he had never done anything to me, but for the first 10 years of my life, he existed because my mother forced him to remain in the picture. Then he disappeared and only reappeared when I was 19, again because my mother brought him back into her life.

But there is one lesson I have learnt from my experience about parents who leave and return many many years later when you are already all grown up that my former friend never learnt: they don't change at all. The reason why they left then, is the same reason why they return later. They didn't want any responsibility then, and now that you are an adult, they won't have any responsibility after all. They come back because it is now easier for them to be in your life. In fact it is convenient. Because now, they are just in time to start reaping the privileges of being a parent.

Who feeds whom now?

Who gives whom money now?

Who calls the other for help now?

You know the answer. 

In my own case, my birth father didn't want any of my money. I didn't have to begin with. But he failed to understand that I was all grown up and I was from a different world. We don't practise gender based upbringing and pastor worshipping in my kingdom.

You are not a bad child for critiquing your parents. Being able to break your parents into their various identities: person, parent, spouse, friend, sibling, etc, will allow you to understand where they deserve praise, and where they deserve criticism. Because if you keep analyzing them under the sole block of parent, you will never see past their mistakes. In Nigeria, parents don't fail. And if they fail, it is never their fault.

I have been told countless times that my mother didn't know any better. And every single time I have refused to accept it. And the reason for that is that my mother resents her own mother for doing the same thing to her. So she knew that she was hurting me. But she still did it in the hope that I would accommodate her, just like she had learnt to accommodate her own mother; by building a house for her, taking her abroad and helping her other siblings. She still sought her mother's validation in spite of everything, and as her reward, she expected me to seek her validation. Then when I had my daughter, she would have done the same for me. That is how it is suppose to go.

Why do people end up becoming like their parents whom they loathed so much when they were much younger? 

I am not saying that this former friend will end up being like his mother. He never struck me as the kind of person who would abandon his own children. But chances are that just like his mother, he will feel entitled to his children's forgiveness. 

When a prodigal parent returns, you can decide that you do not want them as a parent anymore. And there won't be anything wrong with that. 

Parenthood is a job. If they are not fit for it, feel free to fire them.