Disclaimer: This critique is not about the content.
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I received extracts from Hymar's response to his call out and decided to read through them. But I have been left unimpressed. The quality of the work is too low. Perhaps I had expected more from him because he's a published author. But honestly I was looking forward to a polished and well penned down narration that would have blown my mind.
I personally think that Hymar missed the opportunity to show off his literary skills and to write a story that was engaging and exciting. While reading through the pictures, I felt like I was reading an everyday Facebook post: parapraghs thrown here and there, disconnected thoughts and careless storytelling.
As a professional writer, he should have done a better job. This short story should have gone through professional editing like the rest of his work since he intended to publish it and charge people for it.
A shame. He missed a great chance at enticing those of us who are yet to read any of his books; and many people hardly give a second chance.
Suggestions: He should think about giving his publication a professional touch.
Reduce the use of vernacular, include original dialogues and raise the vocabulary.
Divide it into chapters.
Each chapter should be named after the person of interest.
The layout should follow a precise format. Introduction, allegation/response, conclusion/personal insight.
Eg:
JOHN
Introduction: I had known John for three years. He was a great guy......
Allegation: Hymar farted in church. The fart killed John on the spot.
Response: First of all it wasn't a church. It was a house fellowship. Also John was sitting three rows behind me. My fart is not a programmed missile.
Conclusion: the decision to involve John in this whole mess does nothing but furthermore expose the maliciousness of the prosecutor. I cared about John. I did not programme my fart to kill him.
This should be done in sequence for all the allegations you wish to answer concerning that person. A chapter might just include a single allegation vs response, it doesn't matter. Make it worthwhile with your personal input on that particular subject and nature of that accusation in the introduction and conclusion.
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This review is strictly for this publication, but it can be applied to any other type of defence case. Always imagine that you are in a courtroom and that you have to defend yourself against a plantiff. Your victory will lie in your ability to pick the prosecution apart, and destroy its credibility.
Your lawyer gives an opening speech, you are called to the stand for questioning, your lawyer gives a closing speech.
Verdict: Next time, consult with a lawyer and hire an editor.
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