In Nigeria, there is an unwritten social contract between men and women in heterosexual relationships. The average man and woman don’t go into relationships for the pleasure of having a romantic partner whom they can spend quality with and rely on for emotional and mental support. Instead, it is a social connection that has a clear purpose: marriage. For this reason, men and women will spend their time proving to the other person that they can take on the future responsibilities that come with being a husband or a wife. For the men, it is the capability of taking on financial responsibilities, while for the women, it is the capability of taking on domestic responsibilities. In this social contract, sex is part of a woman’s domestic responsibilities. Even when there is no clear intention of getting married, in the case of an affair of a married man and a single woman, both the man and the woman will still strive to retain spousal privileges without necessarily fulfilling their obligation. This is where the man starts to lose out. Since a mistress lives outside of the man’s home, she cannot perform full-time domestic duties, even if she wanted, except for the few times he comes to her house, and she performs wifey duties for him. But the man will still find himself fulfilling all his social obligations. So, the mistress will enjoy the privileges of a wife without actually doing much of what a wife is expected to do.
The question that follows is this: why are men angry with women for respecting the social contract that they established and have fought so much to keep?
That last part of the first paragraph is the reason: the mistress is not the wife.
Let’s use the recent case of Mo Abudu as our case study. If Mo had been married to these men, nobody would be accusing her of using “bottom power” to build her empire. Nigerians would automatically assume that Mo was rewarded for being a devoted wife, even though being a devoted wife includes satisfying the man’s sexual needs. A woman of Mo’s social status is unlikely to perform domestic duties such as cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, or even childminding. Chances are that sex is the only activity that she personally fulfills in the long list of duties that are expected of a wife. So, technically, the man is dropping money in exchange for sex. That is the same reason why Nigerian men and women generally dislike sex workers. They enjoy the perks without the burden that comes with being the woman in the social contract.
Let’s remember that in Nigeria it is not illegal for a man to rape his wife. So really, a man can force his wife to perform her duties even through the use of violence. Men don’t have that kind of power over their mistresses or sex workers.
Given this reality, will Nigerian men agree to ditch this social contract and draw a new one where men and women offer the same benefits to one another in a relationship/marriage?
Personally, I don’t see that happening any time soon. Only Nigerian women can redefine the social contract, but so far, the current one seems to work well for the majority of them too. In reality, the social contract, even with its loopholes in the case of adulterous affairs between married men and single women, still heavily favours men.
1. Since men made the rules and they are at the top in the social, financial, and political system, they are not under any obligations to respect their part of the deal.
2. Domestic labour is more onerous than working outside the home.
3. The average Nigerian man cannot pay the equivalent of his wife’s domestic labour. As a matter of fact, based on that social contract, poor men are not supposed to marry or go into relationships with women, but they do. Why? Read point number one.
We can only castigate Mo Abudu for dating married men and for collecting huge sums of money under false pretense. We can also castigate her for participating in the looting of public funds. However, we can’t absolutely fault her for dating men for financial benefits and for using the proceeds of those affairs to fund her projects and build her empire. Her affairs did not make her the powerful and respected woman that she is today. She was able to benefit so much from those affairs because she is a powerful and respected woman. And a focused and talented one too.
But let me know what you think in the comment section.
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