days never passed.: they
all looked the same. After he left, broken pieces of me where all over the
place. No matter where I looked, memories of him were all around me: songs,
words, places…living had become really difficult: pictures of him anywhere I
went. My heart bled for it knew that past was never going to be again. Now he
belonged to someone else. There was no place for me anymore.
People
don’t know. They see you smile, hear you laugh and say: “You are a clown”.
Clown indeed! Couldn’t they see the sadness behind the make-up? I wish they
knew how upset I was. But I couldn’t allow people to see me as weak. I had and
chose to be strong. Even though loved disappointed me, I had to try and contain
its effects. Those days were the saddest and around me there was nobody I could
turn to. No family and my friends were like…whatever.
Then you
came. Like the sun after a heavy rain. You cast away all the clouds. You were
not announced by lightening and thunder. Only a rainbow testified your arrival
and today it still beautifies the sky with its seven colours. Even though then
I never saw you as the one, now you are my ONE and ONLY.
I still
don’t know why you so much wanted to know what was inside of me. Could you see
the sadness behind my smile? Or did you just think I had something interesting
to share? Perhaps you like knowing people for who they really are, without the
masks. I detest shallowness as well. I believe there is more to a person than
the smile on their faces. Just one thing I found irritating: that was your arrogance
and conceitedness.
You really fascinated me and aroused my curiosity.
You wanted to know people, but didn’t allow people to know you. You must have
thought that made you special, right? I know the feeling because I sometimes
felt the same. I could tell everything about everyone, their most inner
secrets, but they only knew the outside of me. I really loved the fact that you
wanted to keep to yourself. I played the detective and discovered so many
things. The more I knew, the more I wanted to.
My senses had
long captured the danger you represented and were already warning. “Don’t let
him in!”: they shouted once, twice, thrice, until they couldn’t any longer. True
I was heartbroken, I needed someone to lean on, but I hadn’t become stupid too.
No one knows better than me when there is love-danger in the air. Despite all
this, I still let my guard down. The curiosity was so much and you were hell
challenging: mentally, emotionally, physically and psychologically.
I know my
senses wanted to protect me from another disappointment, but they failed. And,
in spite of the disappointments you eventually brought to you, I didn’t shed a
tear. I didn’t love you, wasn’t in love with you and honestly didn’t even want
to talk about loving you. I felt bad when you “wronged” me because I thought
you had disrespected me as a person. I didn’t have expectations from you. You
weren’t a lover or a boyfriend. Now that I think about it, you weren’t either a
friend or a foe. You were just you. Your lack of label suits you so perfectly:
you fit into whatever role I wanted you to. For how long and how many times did
we remain like this? We used to talk for hours on phone, laugh like idiots and
play silly when we met. We were on the same wave-length. I had other people,
guys, I felt comfortable with enough to do all this, but they weren’t like you.
I didn’t feel like assaulting them and doing them silly like I had been starved
for ages. But you always remained labelless, until that day.
You were
like a sprinkle of charm and fun into an otherwise monotonous and monotone
life. Then I never imagined you’d become mine, but I admit being very attracted
to you. There was a lot of connection between us.
Funny
enough, I wasn’t the type who cared about what people thought. I mean: “Screw
them! It’s my life”. But I loved to hear what you had to say: as an adviser you
were sometimes playful, sometimes severe, sometimes even hostile. I told you so
many mental fuck, but I never denied that you were SPECIAL.
The past
was dark, the present was brown, while
the future seemed to be pinky. All because of you.
Soon yours,
Me!
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